Tag Archives: coming out

Zachary, Learning & Development Manager/Improv Performer, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Zachary, in his own words: “I have always been observant.

I could easily spot wildlife long before anyone else while hiking in the mountains of Utah. As for rules, their inherent purpose was to be observed, so I implicitly complied. As for people, in social settings I was keenly aware of what they did while always asking myself, “Why?”

Ultimately, these observations have led me to succeed in my HR career and serve as fuel for my character work in improv. However, before it was a triumph, I could hardly even see it as a silver lining.

Being 6’6” it was (literally) hard to fit in, but that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Add being gay, and I was acutely aware of how different I was while growing up as Mormon in Utah. It’s a weird paradox going through school desperate to set yourself apart by being the best with a perfect GPA, with a lead in the school play, with the sweater of a Student Body Officer, and yet to remain being part of the group. Balancing these conflicting desires ultimately came down to not gaining undue attention. Give me attention, sure – but when it’s on my terms. So, I teetered back and forth always testing what was socially acceptable, toeing close to the line, but always sure to keep a safe distance away.

Awareness was my protection, my defense.

But despite my keen observations, there was a lot I didn’t see. It wasn’t until I moved to New York and later came out that I started to recognize the world for what it truly was. Mind you, coming out doesn’t magically make life better. A fairy drag queen of a mother doesn’t plop down, shower you with glittery rainbows, and whisk you away on a unicorn of dreams with fat-free thin mint girl scout cookies. You don’t suddenly become best friends with Nate Berkus throwing perfectly decorated rooftop brunches. Nor at that brunch does someone invite you to “summer” at their beach house next year.

Life still exists. It will be hard at times. And people, gay or not, are still people with all the emotions and bias that come along with being human. Friends will rush in and out. Morals get challenged in ways never previously imagined. God’s existence may come into question and surprises await on the other side of that pondering. Memories of past hardships will begin to fade. New talents will emerge. Confidence finds its way back into existence.

Nowadays, I love my life! Through it all, I have started to notice changes within myself. As a gay man, I have been able to expand my capacity to love and understand others. I connect with others in new ways and have deeper insight to the human condition. This would not have happened otherwise. My greatest trial has become one of my greatest blessings.

I will continue through life taking time to observe the world as it is, trying to find ways in which it could be better, and asking myself new and challenging questions. Luckily, one thing will no longer be rattling around inside for I now realize that while being gay isn’t inherently easy, it’s the only way I know how, or would ever want, to be.”

A Note from José, in Mexico City…

José, in his own words: “Siempre me gustaron los hombres desde niño, aunque no sabía ni para qué (aunque después aprendí, jaja), aunque esta búsqueda fuera del sendero trillado no ha sido fácil. El luchar contra prejuicios propios y extraños me ha llevado a cuestionar mucho mi educación y el papel que me asignaron socialmente por ser el primogénito. De vez en cuando, me dejo robar un beso en la calle con todo el escándalo que conlleva.”

In English:

“I always liked men since childhood, but did not know why (although I learned later, haha), but this search off the beaten path has not been easy. The fight against prejudice and sundry has led me to question much my education and the role socially assigned to me as the firstborn. Occasionally , let myself steal a kiss in the street even with all the fuss involved.”

photo provided by José

Rafael, Comparative Literature Researcher, Lisbon, Portugal

photo by Kevin Truong

Rafael, in his own words: “I would start with the very idea of being “something”. I seldom perceive me, myself, as being part of a static and defined category that is imposed on me a priori, regardless what I have to say about that. There are social expectations preceding the self, in this case the sexual self, against which I must struggle if I want to preserve my “voice” and therefore my self-respect. In what concerns my agency as human being, these expectations, in the end, might virtually not belong to me, thus contaminating the multiple relations that the Other establishes with me.

That being said, I consider that being gay means that I have an erotic predisposition, either real or imagined, towards the male of my species, regarding its sexual and gender realms.

I would intertwine my challenges and successes with my coming out experience. My biggest challenge was the fulfilling of a sentence built on what was an utterly complicated standpoint: “I am something that is not expected from others”. My process of coming out as a person who has a non normative sexual orientation was firstly an individual struggle. Usually we tend to think that coming out is a process of revealing, which with no doubt is a political understanding of coming out; but one does not come out, actually comes in. My closet was a hidden and nameless face which I had to describe with words untaught. Thus the symbolic act of naming was at the same time my biggest challenge and success. In the end, we are always our worst enemies. Other than that, I was very fortunate to have a lot of disinterested love around me, which indeed played a great part in all this process.

A community is born out of a survival principle. And a gay community is born out of a marginalization phenomenon that originates several spaces of belonging for and/or from those who are put aside, from a cruising spot to an institutionalized NGO. In Lisbon, today, the gay community, and the sense of community, is rather refracted due to the fact that we are no longer facing a survival situation, without taking into consideration the multiple power relations and structures that still affect our citizenship, nationally, such as the adoption rights or the pathologization of transsexual/gender citizens. There are different social organizations with several aims that are vital to the LGBTQ+ visibility and that work fiercely for a voice and a better future for everyone. Lisbon also has an intense nightlife, in which the gay community is diverging from the “gay nightlife” paradigm to a more diversified notion of it. Some venues still preserve a very stereotyped idea of what a gay “place” is, starting from the very idea of “a gay place”. Although I must say that these places have an incomparable aura of safeness for those who might need a place to be. At least what was, and in a way is, Lisbon’s gay neighborhood lost the ghetto frame that usually materializes geographically a gay community.

I think, therefore I deconstruct.
P.S.: Fall in love with yourself if you want to fall in love with other self(ves).”