Tag Archives: the gay men project

JD and John, Server/Customer Service and Stylist/Business Owner, Mt. Pleasant, North Carolina

photo by Kevin Truong

John and JD in their own words:“Being “gay” for us means being labeled. Who wants to be labeled? Shouldn’t that have gone out with the civil rights movement? A “straight” person isn’t labeled because he is straight. There is nothing wrong with us, or our monogamous relationship. We wanted a partner to love just like everyone does. It just happens that the person we are in love with, and committed to, is a member of the same sex. Why should we feel abnormal about that. We are responsible for our own happiness, even if it comes with a label. After all, Webster defines gay as happy, lighthearted and carefree. What a beautiful thing!

One of life’s greatest challenges was trying to fit in as “normal.” We were both different as far back into our childhoods as we can remember. We both have tried lying to ourselves and tricking ourselves into thinking we were something we really weren’t . It took a lot of living, life lessons, heartbreak, and learning to accept ourselves the way we are. Perfect in His image. A hurdle to overcome was allowing ourselves the privilege and right to feel good about ourselves. We sought out our perfect companion and have made a beautiful life with him. All this because we are deserving. We are good people. We should not be treated differently because we don’t fit the “normality” of society. We have succeeded. We are happy. We are normal. We are human.

The gay community in NC is very diverse. If you are in the city, there are all types of people here. Charlotte embraces gay individuals. Out here in the country is a different story. Charlotte is perhaps the best place to be if you are gay and in North Carolina. The rural community outside Charlotte is very conservative and religious against anything gay. To our knowledge we are the only openly gay couple in our small town of 1,700. We have faced pain and discrimination here, but nothing that we aren’t strong enough to face head on and use to fuel our drive as we advocate for change. It is changing slowly, and we see progress. How can you expect people to change if you don’t open their eyes and give them the chance to change their perspective? We are not ostentatious, but we are true to ourselves and to our relationship.

John’s coming out:
I grew up in rural Texas. I did not come out to my parents before they died. My mother knew though, and my brothers and sisters knew without me saying anything. It took falling in love with the most wonderful person in the world for me to be comfortable with who I am. JD taught me to not be ashamed of myself or him. If we were to be a couple, we were no secret. That was about 5 years ago. We met long ago but life kept us apart from one another. It took time, knowledge, and living to eventually bring us together. We are both in a better place today and compliment each other beautifully. We are very happy and live a wonderful life together with friends and family who accept us for who we are.

JD’s coming out:
What child wants to be a disappointment to their parents? I have always been somewhat of a “pink sheep.” I have struggled to fit in with my Southern Baptist upbringing. Although we’ve come full circle and God has used my family to reveal his perfect Grace, coming out was awful. I never want to hear my Mama cry like that ever again. Tears still roll down my face when I think about her pain that afternoon. My Daddy seemed to think it was a phase. I guess the beauty of this is quite simple. I learned that I didn’t have to fit any “mold.” Be true to yourself, although it may strain relationships, those who truly love you will come around.

My message in my coming out would be to conservative christian groups: please don’t ostracize an entire population of human beings who have the capability to do something amazing for God just because they do not fit into your construct of what you think a Christian should be. Gay Christians exist; we always have, and we always will. Your religion nearly killed me; my spirituality saved me.

I was so blessed to have my little sister who was so wise beyond her years. She never judged me. Even through starting her own family, she never left me feeling alone. It is mainly because of her that my family got through this turbulent time. My family’s relationships are better than they have ever been, and are continuing to grow. Nothing makes my heart smile more than to hear my parents tell John they love him. God had a lesson for us in his perfect plan. It was the lesson of unconditional love and acceptance. Never doubt there is a bigger picture. We may perhaps see that picture differently. I do however believe that the moment we allow ourselves to truly see one another beyond our differences that picture and our world become so much more beautiful.

Chase your dreams. Don’t let anyone stop you from being who you are. Only you can make YOU happy. Those who really love you will support you. We have traveled a long way, and in the journey before us we must continue to put one foot in front of the other. Know this: the pace is picking up, my friends. And the rewards of our labors, justice, equality, and respect merit our toils. Keep hope and faith, and let us always bear in mind that we must “be the change we wish to see in the world.”

Christopher, Claims Examiner, Nashville

photo by Kevin Truong

Christopher, in his own words: “I cannot remember a single moment when I wasn’t gay.

But being gay … that’s another story, one that I’m still figuring out.

Like a bitter batch of sun tea, I was steeped in fundamentalist Christianity since birth. I entered my adolescent years with a foul taste in my mouth and enough guilt to last until I was over the hill. I bottled that up and tried to be devout.

Until my 29th year I truly believed that no person actually was gay. I thought my same-sex attractions were some kind of spiritual oppression. And I imagined two polarized forces fighting for the fate of my soul.

Imagine that.

It all seems so dramatic now.

Regardless of how it feels now, for too many years I believed it to be true and I knew my only option was to follow the doctrine in which I had been stewing. I did what every good Christian boy does: I married a woman and started a family.

Six years later I woke from the fever dream.

Coming out was utterly terrifying. All I could think about was my children, and the effect it would have on our relationship.

I had always been a very connected father. My kids were born at home with a midwife and I was there to catch each of them. I cut their umbilical cords and rinsed out their cloth diapers. I know that granola phase is long gone, but I loved every second of it.

It’s much easier to deny who you are when you are giving every moment to three precious little ones. But eventually there came a point of clarity in which the veil was pulled back (or torn in two — you take your pick). Suddenly I realized I had been fighting to maintain a certain standing in a religious paradigm to which I had always struggled to relate.

This epiphany resulted in my dual coming out—as a gay man and as a humanist. The ripple effects were beautiful and devastating.

When my ex-wife quickly moved them from northern Illinois to Nashville to join an oppressive religious community, I left everything I had ever known behind to follow my children. I didn’t know what to expect moving to the Bible Belt just months after coming out. What I found in Nashville was a wonderful queer community that embraced me.

After spending almost three decades feeling mostly alone, now I am surrounded by people that love me for who I am and support me as I navigate my way through the trials of divorce and a new and unexpected version of fatherhood.

It’s been a painful process, and I know challenges will persist. This is obvious when your father is a gay, secular humanist and your mother an outspoken Christian fundamentalist. I know my children will come out on the other side of this as strong, freethinking individuals. They will see that their father never stopped loving them.

As for me, I’m in a city that feels like home and sharing life with a man with whom I’m completely in love. What more could I ask for?

If I could go back in time, I’d tell my younger self a lot of things. I would grab me by the shoulders and shake me violently while proclaiming “feel the fuck out of your feelings!”

I’d remind myself of the beauty in simply being alive.

Being gay is small in the scope of the human experience. Stop making such a big deal about it. Accept it and move on so that you can look your life square in the eye and be in awe of its sheer magnitude.”

Scott, Writer/Communications Strategist, Washington D.C.

photo by Kevin Truong

Scott, in his own words: “Being openly gay to me means that I’m honoring something within my soul that wants to be expressed. It means I’m being authentic. My awareness of my attraction for men may manifest physically, but like all things that are born of love, it comes from a much deeper spiritual level that too often gets lost or ignored since most religious institutions are/have been slow to recognize that love is love.

I’ve been blessed with a supportive family and amazing network of chosen family in friends from all over. Interesting work and a creative spirit have allowed me to experience parts of life I never really imagined growing up in Kansas just a mile or two from Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church, otherwise known as his family compound and a major tax scam. As a writer, I’m also challenged by my creativity, but for good reason. Each of us has something important to contribute to those around us and that creative spirit will keep nudging us until it is fully expressed and we’ve given what we can from what we know to help others along their journey.

DC has an interesting gay life that is still challenged in many ways by class and race. This always amazes me for a community made of people seeking their own rights and recognition. Our ability as gay people to divide ourselves within our own community has been a constant source of curiosity. Even with that, it is amazing to see the progress we’ve made and DC is a great place to be for the history that is unfolding. And away from “official Washington” DC has a wonderful community that most tourists never see made up of people and families that have been here for generations who have a vibrant culture all their own. Development, rising prices, and the condo-ization of every available inch of real estate threatens to change that. With people coming from all over the country and world to do business here, it makes for an eclectic mix. But losing that mix would change DC in ways I hope we avoid.

My first experience with a man was with a good friend from high school but we were home from college over the summer, after a long night out with friends, back in my basement room of my parents house. It was sweet, silly, romantic –everything you’d want as you come into an awareness that what is within you is shared by others, his first gentle touch, the exhilaration of finally feeling like something is right, not wrong, his lips on mine so natural and perfect, I felt different. For the first time I felt like me, like who I am supposed to be. And for the first time, I understood what all the straight guys I knew were raving about when it came to sex, which up until that point, had been okay, but underwhelming for me. As for family, I started coming out to them, and a few friends, over the course of the next few years as the idea of being gay grew more comfortable for me. I really claimed my sexuality fully when a woman I loved very much was contemplating a life decision about her career based on my move to Washington. The moment I told her to make the right decision for her not based on me because I was working through these issues, she reached for my hand and said words that ring in my heart to this day, “I love you, I’ve always loved you, it appears it will just be in a different way than I’d hoped.” Like I said above, I’ve been blessed with amazing people in my life.

(Advice I’d give to my younger self) Find out who you can trust and start talking to them about how you feel. Come out sooner. Adolescence is a phase of life best lived when it is supposed to be lived and is wholly unattractive on much older men. That is advice I’d like to give to some people my age and older now who haven’t figured that out yet.”