Tag Archives: the gay men project

Ilari, Voice Actor, Amsterdam, Netherlands

photo by Kevin Truong

Ilari, in his own words: “Being gay to me means to be a member of a minority group, which I consider a privilege most of the time. It defines who I am for a minor part though.

My challenge in life still is to let my heart speak more and my brain babble less. I cherish some very close friendships with people I have known since I was four. They know I keep my spices in alphabetical order. Career wise I am doing well as a voice-over talent with my own studio. It still amazes me, my vocal chords are making money for 25 years now, allowing me owning apartments in Amsterdam and Berlin.

I had girlfriends for the longest time, until I fell for a Lufthansa steward in Frankfurt. I didn’t feel the need to come out before I turned 39, having my first serious relationship with a man who reminded me of Sean Penn. Telling my parents wasn’t a big deal. Today I still remain quite private to the outer circle of people.

Like in many Western cities the need for typical gay clubs and pubs has diminished. Bar Prik (in Amsterdam) however is still going strong and I consider it to be an extension of my living room.

(Advice to my younger self) Trust in yourself, confide in close friends, and mess up your spice rack.”

JQr, Cleaning Guy/Ghost-writer/Fairy-tale Reader/Rentboy/Hacking Consultant/Dancer, Prague, Czech Republic

photo by Kevin Truong

JQr, in his own words: “There are just 3 advices to my younger self and anyone who loves ups and downs of life: 1) Worry is a misuse of imagination. 2) Exception proves the rule. 3) Light don’t owe shade shit.”

Justin, Student, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Justin, in his own words: “In the most literal sense, being gay is just an attraction to someone of the same sex. And, in one regard, for me at least, being gay is just that. But when you consider how much our sexuality dictates how we act and dress and speak and live, I think that being gay (or sexuality, in general) becomes something more. So on one hand, I think that being gay is just a fraction of who I am as a person. That is, I’m not just gay; I’m also a brother, a son, a friend, a student, etc. and I have goals and aspirations and wants and needs that have little to do with my sexuality. But on the other hand, that small part of me has had a significant impact on my person, and I’m always mindful of that.

The challenges that I’ve faced being gay have been largely internal. I’ve only come out in the last two years and, in that time, I struggled with what being gay meant for my identity. I think that there is a pretty generalized notion of what gay men look like or act like, and because I didn’t conform to those standards when I first came out, I felt like I wasn’t “gay enough.” And I think that this notion is even more pronounced in the black community; straight black men seem held to a standard of hyper-masculinity while gay black men (the inverse of straight black men) seem held to an opposite standard of hyper-femininity. Because I don’t see myself as either incredibly masculine or feminine, I’ve found it difficult to strike a balance between these two and present myself in a way that reflects this balance, so that I’m not trying to be super flamboyant and “twinky” in order to fit in with the gay community or so that I’m not trying to “butch up” to fit in with everyone else.

I guess that, in a way, this is my coming out story, since I still haven’t come out to some friends and family members, and I left some to infer that I was gay without making an official declaration.

But I first came out in my freshman year of college, after a friend of mine confided in me and told me that he was gay. It seemed cheap to keep my secret from him after he had been so open with me. So I told him, and I remember feeling free and relieved and secure. And I wanted to replicate that feeling, so I told everyone: my ex-girlfriend, my best friend from home, all of my friends at school, my brother, and finally my parents (all of whom claimed that they already knew). Nothing made me surer of my relationships than the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family after my coming out, and my only regret is that I had not told them sooner.”