Tag Archives: the gay men project

Zachary, Learning & Development Manager/Improv Performer, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Zachary, in his own words: “I have always been observant.

I could easily spot wildlife long before anyone else while hiking in the mountains of Utah. As for rules, their inherent purpose was to be observed, so I implicitly complied. As for people, in social settings I was keenly aware of what they did while always asking myself, “Why?”

Ultimately, these observations have led me to succeed in my HR career and serve as fuel for my character work in improv. However, before it was a triumph, I could hardly even see it as a silver lining.

Being 6’6” it was (literally) hard to fit in, but that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Add being gay, and I was acutely aware of how different I was while growing up as Mormon in Utah. It’s a weird paradox going through school desperate to set yourself apart by being the best with a perfect GPA, with a lead in the school play, with the sweater of a Student Body Officer, and yet to remain being part of the group. Balancing these conflicting desires ultimately came down to not gaining undue attention. Give me attention, sure – but when it’s on my terms. So, I teetered back and forth always testing what was socially acceptable, toeing close to the line, but always sure to keep a safe distance away.

Awareness was my protection, my defense.

But despite my keen observations, there was a lot I didn’t see. It wasn’t until I moved to New York and later came out that I started to recognize the world for what it truly was. Mind you, coming out doesn’t magically make life better. A fairy drag queen of a mother doesn’t plop down, shower you with glittery rainbows, and whisk you away on a unicorn of dreams with fat-free thin mint girl scout cookies. You don’t suddenly become best friends with Nate Berkus throwing perfectly decorated rooftop brunches. Nor at that brunch does someone invite you to “summer” at their beach house next year.

Life still exists. It will be hard at times. And people, gay or not, are still people with all the emotions and bias that come along with being human. Friends will rush in and out. Morals get challenged in ways never previously imagined. God’s existence may come into question and surprises await on the other side of that pondering. Memories of past hardships will begin to fade. New talents will emerge. Confidence finds its way back into existence.

Nowadays, I love my life! Through it all, I have started to notice changes within myself. As a gay man, I have been able to expand my capacity to love and understand others. I connect with others in new ways and have deeper insight to the human condition. This would not have happened otherwise. My greatest trial has become one of my greatest blessings.

I will continue through life taking time to observe the world as it is, trying to find ways in which it could be better, and asking myself new and challenging questions. Luckily, one thing will no longer be rattling around inside for I now realize that while being gay isn’t inherently easy, it’s the only way I know how, or would ever want, to be.”

A Note from José, in Mexico City…

José, in his own words: “Siempre me gustaron los hombres desde niño, aunque no sabía ni para qué (aunque después aprendí, jaja), aunque esta búsqueda fuera del sendero trillado no ha sido fácil. El luchar contra prejuicios propios y extraños me ha llevado a cuestionar mucho mi educación y el papel que me asignaron socialmente por ser el primogénito. De vez en cuando, me dejo robar un beso en la calle con todo el escándalo que conlleva.”

In English:

“I always liked men since childhood, but did not know why (although I learned later, haha), but this search off the beaten path has not been easy. The fight against prejudice and sundry has led me to question much my education and the role socially assigned to me as the firstborn. Occasionally , let myself steal a kiss in the street even with all the fuss involved.”

photo provided by José

René, Art Historian, Amsterdam, Netherlands

photo by Kevin Truong

René, in his own words: “(Being gay) is my sexuality, i.e. I am gay. Perhaps it has defined who I am in quite a few ways, perhaps it hasn’t. I tend believe that I am, that we all are, who we are. Sexuality is merely a part of that. (Dutch) Society however still focuses on your sexuality when it differs from the (social) norm; people tend to call me a gay person, whereas I see myself as a person. That simply means that eventhough we’ve come along way, we still have a long way to go. I long for the day when we all stop using the term “gay marriage” and see it for what it is: marriage. When we stop seeing someone’s sexuality, and start seeing the person instead.

I’ve had quite an easy life to be honest! My biggest success will be when I can be as openminded as I wanna be. That I don’t judge others anymore so easily and readily as I sometimes do. Reality is a bit different of course haha; I can be a real prejudiced bitch at times. So that makes it also my biggest challenge in life!

I don’t really have a coming out story. First time I ever told someone I’m gay was when I was 13, to my then best friend in school. And to him it didn’t come as a surprise. By the time I was 16 basically everyone in school knew as I didn’t make a secret out of it. My dad asked me if I was gay, so again no surprise there, to him or my mom. Honestly I dislike the term “coming out”; the fact that when your sexuality doesn’t conform to the norm (i.e. heterosexual, simply cos the majority of people is) should not imply that you have to stand up and tell people. People that truly know you and love you will take you for who you are. It’s basically about letting go of your expectations about others. Why expect what another person is like? Let them be!

Does something like a “gay community” exist? Perhaps. Here in Amsterdam we have different (gay) scenes but they intermix. As do other people, straight etc., mix with gay people. Okay, in my head it’s probably a tad more utopian than in real but still, I like to dream.

My advice to my younger self: believe in yourself and don’t be afraid of who you are. Don’t listen to negative things others say. Listen to positive criticism from people you trust. Oh and be as fabulous as you wanna be and last but not least: don’t spend all your money!”