Tag Archives: coming out

A Note From Abhijit, in Assam, India…

I am Abhijit, 22 year old gay male. Born on JAN 6, 1991. I am currently a student of Mechanical Engineering and shall graduate next year.

Homosexuality, in India, is not a topic that family discusses over dinner. It is something that doesn’t happen in normal life. You hear about it and comment on it but rarely do you need to face it. People have a black and white view on gender and sexuality issues, either you are a man or a woman, the rest is all messed up. The closest issue is the intersex community, the ‘Hijras’, that common public has to face in overcrowded trains, demanding money in exchange for blessings. Most people shell out their money not wanting to associate long with these ‘disgusting’ people. It is a sorry state for them that this is the means of earning for most of the intersex community. Being ostracised and ridiculed by public, they have mostly accepted this way of living and flaunt around their ‘abnormality’ and extort money in exchange of leaving you alone.

People don’t see the LGBT people in any different light, they all mean one thing, that the person has no moral sense and has given up on all things natural, he/she is a deviant who can not be part of any normal society. But thank God! This kind of mentality is diminishing gradually, and people are being more rational in dealing with such situations.

Being Gay in India, I had never come across another person like myself i.e gay. So it was a hard enough time trying to understand why I was different from other boys? When my friends were busy ogling girls, why I never felt the same way about them? Many a times I caught myself admiring boys and seniors…but shrugged it off. I had little concept that something as Homosexuality existed.

As I grew this attraction towards boys increased and I found myself getting off on fantasy scenarios involving guys. I was disgusted and crestfallen, and as much as i tried to ‘cure’ myself i just slipped into denial. I started researching on my condition and used the Net in it’s full scope. Finally after 8 years of struggle and denial I suddenly decided to one day just to accept it. The first person I came out to was my best friend, who initially was shocked. But then simply in his usual manner shrugged of my anxiety and started teasing me…just like that he accepted it without question and for the first time I felt so confident and free! After that I told my room mate, he was speechless and quite confused as how to react, but when i told my other friend in the Hostel he just ran away! My roommate talked to him and explained that I was not an idiot, that to say such a big thing would mean that there was something in it and that being friends they should support me. I realised that day I had really good friends who I underestimated. When I told my sister, she was totally shocked and tried to convince me that I was not. But after a few weeks of discussion she decided that I was not ‘confused’ and told me that she was always with me no matter what.

It took another year for me to work up the courage to come out in public, I had plans to Graduate, get a job, leave India and be someplace where I could be me. But I didn’t want to run away and hide like a coward. I didn’t want my sexuality to determine my future. I want a good job after graduation and whether or not I want to leave India is my personal decision. I won’t do it just to ‘be myself’. I love my country and my family. I have my responsibilities to them. I will not shrug them off just like that. Plus, people are ignorant about sexuality issues because they don’t come across any openly gay or lesbian people.

So one day I just decided to come out on Facebook, without consulting anyone. And living in a Boys hostel, doing that was complete social hara-kiri. My friends tried to convince me to remove my update. They were worried of its effect on my life and theirs. But I was adamant. There was an uproar for a few days, it strained my relation with my friends too. Because they too came under fire for associating with me. But many people came to tell me that they were happy for me and would be there if I needed any protection. My friends stood up for me and dealt with most of the questions and accusations but never let go of me. I was proud and happy for having such friends. Many started avoiding me and when I went out there were always stares, whispers and comments. The first few days was a great struggle to go to the classes too, but I was determined to keep things as normal as possible. Gradually people got over the shock and came to terms with it and treated me like any other day. No one was ‘homophobic’, just a little ignorant and misinformed. By coming out I gave permission to them to study me and judge me and to realise that I’m just any other normal guy, special because of my simplicity, not sexuality.

They now all know a gay guy, so if in the future any of them know a sibling or a child who comes out, they won’t have to face going through the shock, they will more or less understand that it is not what completely defines a person. They will be able to treat him/her with respect and love, not ignorant, hatred and despair. Now my sexuality hardly matters in my college. I have been tagged the ‘Gay guy’, but with the exception of a handful of people, no one treats me any differently because of it. I will forever be indebted to those people who stood by me and set the examples of tolerance and understanding.

I still haven’t come out to my Father. But I will, I don’t want to break his heart, but it is not something that should. The rest is upto him. I hope he will understand.

A Note From Vlad, in Tambov, Russia…

My name is Vlad. I am Russian. And here is my life story full of permanent struggle, rejection, and endless hope for acceptance.

I was born on January 31st in a small and cozy Russian province called Tambov. It was early 90s when I grew up and started the process of socialization, so unfortunately but fortunately more information was available, then it had been during USSR period, so when I started to notice that I liked guys I didn’t think that anything was wrong with me. Generally speaking I never thought I was not okay until the moment when I faced hatred and homophobia. This happened rather early, when I entered school. I remember my first week there. You know, I think I always was kind of a rebel at heart. Of course I had a guess that being gay was not allright in this country (and by the way it still is not), but even at the age of seven I thought that being yourself was the most important thing in this life, and if you don’t accept yourself as you are then no one ever will. Unfortunately I had a long way till this theory was finally proved, and I met those, who really matter for me and who don’t give a sh*t whether I’m gay or whatever. ☺

Well, as you can easily guess such behavior instantly led to bulling, so every single day I remember those screams at my back like “are you a boy or a girl?!”, “fag” and all the words that I even didn’t know before. Definitely I always tried to be strong and never showed my emotions, even to my parents. My father was a military man, very conservative one, so subconsciously I always knew that he’d not understand me, and my mother seemed too weak to struggle with him, so I always kept all my pain deep inside and there was no single person to share it with.

I think these memories hurt me all the time. I still cannot forgive my father… Maybe I will one day, but right now it hurts too much to let it go.

One day my mother started to notice that I was always sad and even depressed. I didn’t talk too much and it seemed like something bothered me a lot. Of course she began to ask questions and it lasted for several years, till one summer day. It was a time when we were getting prepared to spend the holidays at the seashore and that evening I suddenly realized that it was time to come out from the closet. I started to talk hundreds of times but the words stuck in my mouth and eventually I decided it was better to write it on a sheet of paper and leave it for my mother to read. In the note I just said “I am gay”. I was 16. Since then everything changed and all my fears have become the reality.

I needed to fight not only at school but also at home. I was not accepted neither by my parents nor by society, but at the same time I saw those gay guys who are hiding every day because they were afraid. Gradually I began to understand, that what I want was to make life of gay people easier. I wanted to become a role model for those gays from small towns. I wanted to help them not to be afraid and see that even being gay you may achieve all your goals. Unfortunately, now I see that the dreams do not always come true.

This whole thing is not about you being gay, but it’s about people’s willingness to accept. But how could they become ready to accept anything new or different when government carries out a massive propaganda against everything that expresses different opinion or a different point of view? I’m not gonna talk about viral Pussy Riot, “gay propaganda” law, which passed in St. Petersburg, because it sounds so pathetic and you’ve heard it so many times, but anyway this is the issue. If we are living in a democracy, I can’t see it work, so am I blind?

I’m a model, and I know some of you may think fashion is not the way to solve problems, but I will say it is one of the most powerful ways to overcome homophobia in Russia and to attract international attention to that issue. I don’t have money, or any influential people among my friends or any other means to wage a fight. All I have is my appearance, my brain and a power to go on. This is my lifestory full of rejection and everlasting struggle, but even after everything I have to overcome every day, I believe that my hope for acceptance will become true one day, and to those people who still are afraid I wanna say always remember there are people in this world like you, and there definitely are those who will love you. So one day you’ll wake up in the arms of your beloved, you will remember your hard times and you will thank yourself for not giving up.

Dear Austin,

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

You are a mothers dream come true! My dreams have always been for you to be HAPPY, HEALTHY, SELF RELIANT, SAFE AND …. SURROUNDED BY LOVING FRIENDS! You have managed to do all this, your whole life, AND SO MUCH MORE! You never cease to amaze me! You truly are an inspiration Austin. I know I haven’t been very open with my feelings about you being gay, but I want you to know how very proud of you I am. To be as strong as you are and LIVE YOUR LIFE as a HAPPY, HEALTHY, SELF RELIANT and SAFE person, surrounding yourself with loving friends………… See? You ARE making my dreams come true!

I’ve always told you that I wish I had a friend like you when I was growing up…. How did I get so blessed to actually have you for my son AND friend? You have taught me SO MUCH! I can honestly say, I look up to you. (not only because you are much taller than me…. Ha!) But because of your strength, determination, great personality, the wisdom you hold is way beyond your years…., the amazing relationship you and Larissa have (melts my heart), your intelligence (WOW), your zest for life, exploring, traveling, learning and growing….etc…….every single day of your entire life!

I am so thankful for you Austin. You have made an extremely important difference in my life and I know with every new step you have taken in your journeys, you have made a difference in so many other lives as well. Thank you for being such an inspiration…..

With all my love forever and always, Mom