Tag Archives: coming out

Erik, Music Director, Cleveland, Mississippi

photo by Kevin Truong

Erik, in his own words: “What does being gay mean to me? I feel if I do not give some philosophical answer I will not win Mr. Gay America! With all joking aside, it is more about an acceptance of one’s self rather than the acceptance most gay men look for from family, friends, or society. When I wakeup each morning I feel happy to be me and am ready to live this charmed life I have been blessed with. Most people, gay or straight, are not able to do that, because they have not accepted the fact that each of us has a charge and higher calling in life.

Life itself is the greatest challenge of all and it is the one challenge we all must face, but each of us yield an infinite amount of paths to the finish. My greatest challenge is myself! I would say I am a very independent, honest, and caring person. When it comes to the subject of dating and relationships I seem to dismiss these qualities in potential partners.”

Ron and Ben, Counselor and a Guest Services Agent, Vancouver B.C.

photo by Kevin Truong

Ron, in his own words: “Being able to be who I am with complete honesty is freedom. Being able to love someone because I simply love that person is the greatest joy I have ever experienced. The journey mostly has been a good one. Since I have been quite attracted to both men and women, I’ve lived an interesting life and been in love with both men and women.

However, nothing ever quite was like meeting Ben. Before Ben I had fallen deeply in love with a woman, and I was married to her for almost 17 years, most of those years were happy. The greatest joy was having two beautiful, talented and creative sons, Nick and Nate who both have good and satisfying lives living and working in New York City. Thus I also have two beautiful grandchildren! Sadly, the marriage ended when my wife’s mental illness could not be accepted by her.

I dated some other wonderful and beautiful women for a few years. Then while working in Washington, DC I happened upon this younger man who wanted to go to dinner. His kindness, caring got to me and we dated for six months. Sadly it ended but we both ended up happy later. He said when he departed, “Ron, you will meet someone soon, he will be good to you and you to him.” Not long after, I was at Northeastern University in Boston in the dining room. There I noticed a beautiful and quite stunning Asian man glancing toward me. After we both glanced, we had lunch together, then he asked for a date. I returned to Boston where he and many members of his family were there. We went together! They all liked me. That was in July of 1997.

Sixteen years later, from Portland, Maine to Orlando FL, to our beautiful heaven in Vancouver, British Columbia , Ben and I have loved each other and respected one another every day. Every time I look at his face, the joy inside my heart almost makes me weep. Never to fade!

Too, My sons, grandchildren, friends all embrace Ben. They love him. Likewise I am so lucky that his family loves me very much and we are so close. They are my family, too. Our home is one of peace and love. We are a team!

Initially because I held many public and high profile jobs (Police Chief, School Administrator and now therapist/counsellor) many folks had much to say to me and sadly some behind my back when I fell in love with another man 16 years earlier. The state of gays in the world has changed a great deal from those days; now gay folks are accepted and few make a big deal about gay people in 2013. I was glad to be in the early days. I tell people, I would have fallen in love with Ben whether he had been a man or a woman. His qualities of giving of himself, his humility, core values, kindness and respect for all that lives are huge points of attraction. Being good looking is nice, but that fades for everyone. We all grow old. I am happy that Ben’s enduring qualities will never fade.

Moving to Vancouver was the best decision we could have made, suggested by his sister, Sungya, who had visited here. Every day has been a joy! Our gay friends we met when we first moved here are still are close friends. Vancouver’s gay population is well accepted. There are still those who hate, but overall, being gay here has not
been a big deal for many years. Gay men and women have straight friends, they live in houses and condos throughout the Metro area. There is a gay village, called Davie. It’s funky.

Where we live, New Westminster, has been turning into a sought after community (known as highly supportive to gays) for gay singles and couples. The community reminds me of communities I lived in as a kid in Maine. To sum, Ben said it best when we arrived here in July, 2005. “I finally feel so secure and happy.” Since then Ben and I both became dual citizens of our own birth country and Canada.

I am happy with who I am. During the Winter of my life, it really feels like Spring. It feels right.

This project and the stories that are told are good , supportive tools to help any gay man who is thinking about coming out. We live very short lives. The hope for all of us is to start living that life in a creative, meaningful way that is filled with comfortable love. Being honest, loving yourself and coming to terms with who you are signals the right time to sing to the world about who you are. Sing in quiet melody, shout a song to the mountains – your choice. But sing. When your soul says you are ready.”

Ben, in his own words: “I think I have always liked men from when I was little. I thought that I was the only one in this world having these kind of feelings. It’s liked having a big secret and I didn’t dare to share it to anyone. First feelings came when I was young and at summer camp in Singapore. I did not know
though what those feelings were.

I later had a boyfriend in Bangkok when I attended the university there. We did everything there, even opening a clothing store at an upscale mall. Sadly, we grew apart. I was sad and decided to move to the United States.

Soon I was off to graduate school in Boston. There I met many interesting men but none like Ron. I adored him from when I met him. So did my family.When I graduated with a Masters degree, I moved to Portland, Maine to be with Ron and his family. We lived in an ocean-side townhouse near a college. It was beautiful. I was so happy. Ron always had a committed plan and he was always kind to me. I worked as a math teacher at the high school where Ron was an administrator.

Soon we moved to Orlando with dreams of moving to beautiful Vancouver. Vancouver never disappointed. It is the most beautiful place with many friendly people. The moment we arrived, we had so many friends! Many of those friends are our friends today.

Ron and I were never much for clubbing or going out. We always enjoy each other company. He is my everything…my partner…my best friend and my soul. I think we complete each other!

Advice? Be true to who you are – only you can decide the road to your own happiness and joy. You control your destiny. You have that gift, that freedom.”

A Note From Justin, in Saco, Maine…

“Choosing whether to come out and when to do so is a very personal decision. So many factors come into play. For those past school age, how your employer might take it can weigh heavily on you. In my case, it was the voters in my legislative district.

At 20 years old, I decided to run for election for the Maine House of Representatives. I was still in college and openly gay. Well, open to my friends and my immediate family. It was never something I really had to think about. I never had an actual ‘coming out’. Most people who meet me just assume that I’m gay.

When it came to the campaign, I knew this would be a bit different. I knew I may be forced to clarify this aspect of my identity, and that there would be people who vote against me just because of this personal detail. I also knew that I couldn’t hide it.

And why would I want to? I didn’t need to parade through the streets with a bullhorn, but being honest is important in any profession, particularly in politics. Moreover, for my sanity I wanted to get on top of the story rather than have it become one later. I wanted to make it a non-issue, so that it wouldn’t become an issue.

So I ran openly and honestly. If someone asked, I would answer. But what I discovered is that most people couldn’t care less. People were generally more concerned about the issues. Substance was more important to people. Generally speaking, voters treated me no differently than any other candidate who came to their door.

Running as an openly gay candidate wasn’t without its challenges. Throughout the campaign a handful of people stole my campaign signs and graffitied them with derogatory language. This occurred right up to election day. At one point I had to involve the police because the theft and vandalism had become so rampant.

Here I had to make a choice: do I bring this to light to shame the homophobes who did this or do I stay silent? While many of those closest to me suggested that I go to the media with what was happening, I decided not to. Why give these people the power by giving them exactly what they wanted—attention and a reaction from me? I put on a good front that it didn’t bother me. But when you are constantly having to take down signs smeared with hate speech, it does take an emotional toll. But I chose to take the high road. I persevered.

I won my election with 60% of the vote becoming the youngest openly gay legislator in the entire country. That proved that our community was better than the hate that some were spreading. I was able to do it without giving them any attention. During my election Maine also became one of the first states to pass marriage equality at the ballot box.

Homophobia still creeps up to the surface every now and again, but society is moving against this discriminatory line of thinking. The more states and countries that support marriage equality, and the more individuals who stand up and present their true selves, the easier it will be for others to follow in their footsteps—in the board room and classroom, and on the field and the campaign trail.”