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Jeffrey, Special Ed Teacher/Swim Coach, Huntington Beach, California

photo by Kevin Truong

Jeffrey, in his own words: “My version of being gay means nothing more than the sheer fact that, at the end of the day, i’ll probably end up with a dude (sorry ladies!).

Over the years, it’s been a challenge to find solid friendship (in the gay community, at least) and cultivate healthy romance (also in the gay community, obviously), but I’m proud to say that my greatest challenges have ultimately resulted in some of my greatest successes as a grown up.

For the majority of my adulthood, I attributed being gay solely to dating, and avoided navigating the waters of friendships with other people who were gay. In all honesty, I’m not sure that I even realized that I needed gay friends, and struggled to make platonic friendships with other gay men outside the circle of people that I casually dated. All I know is that as I entered my mid-twenties, I looked around at my life and found myself awkwardly surrounded by a small handful of gay friends that I had either dated or had romantic history with at some point. To make matters worse, my dating history lined up as more of a rogues gallery that one of my friends summed up perfectly in stating that I “tended to seriously involve myself with sociopaths”.

It was at this point in my life that I made a concerted effort to seek out friendship before partnership, free of romantic strings and entanglement. Looking back, I still can’t pinpoint whether it was overall insecurity or my inner-middle aged single woman (that feared I would never find someone) that drove me to be so romantically consumed, but it was only when I let go of the search for “the one” that I was able to generate true friendships and (waduya know!) find someone to love.

That (all that!) being said, my greatest success is finding and connecting with people who love me and who I love, both platonically and romantically. Platonically, I’ve been lucky to meet a few “lifers” (friends for life) over the past few years who, from near and far and always with laughter and good times, continually inspire and encourage me through the journey of life that we share. Romantically, all I can really say is that there’s nothing more special than seeing the world and sharing a laugh and a smile with the man that I met under the stars by the crashing waves.

The short story of my coming out involves a tumultuous time period after my dad died (my own version of the roaring 20’s!) that consisted of rampant and uninformed trial and error that either shaped my character or scarred me for life (jury’s out, I still haven’t quite figured that one out yet). Although I currently try to live life unapologetically and without regrets, my early days of exploration included a variety of instances and experiences that I would probably take back if I thought about them long enough (which is probably not unlike the journey that most people lead at some point in their lives).

Ironically, I don’t think that I actually ever came out officially to the world (unless a public blog/photo feature on a website that’s very subtly titled “The Gay Men Project” counts). My personal view is that coming out is a personal journey of self-acceptance that led me to gradually get over the notion that I am letting people down by being who I am and loving who I love. It’s been a tough learning curve, but I’ve slowly been able to let go of the guilt and feelings of let-down that go along with leading a life that defies societal norms, traditional convention, and pretty much everything my parents raised me to be. In this sense, I guess I’m still very much in the 7th inning stretch of my coming out process, and in spite of a good number of people knowing that I’m gay, I’m still a work in progress, learning daily what it means to be gay and find satisfaction in life.

(With regards to the gay community in Orange County) There’s a gay community in OC? They don’t call it the Orange Curtain for nuthin!

(Advice I’d give my younger self) On friends, family, and acceptance: realize that acceptance takes time, and sometimes requires one to be generous with grace in the face of those who aren’t quite ready to adjust their understanding of who you are. People won’t always be ready for the truth (and will sometimes, surprisingly, be surprised!), but time heals wounds (sometimes lots of time!), and oftentimes brings about understanding. Don’t give up on lifelong friendships because of a bad knee-jerk reaction.
On love, friendship, and relationships: a younger version of me would probably benefit from being told to worry less about finding “the one” and worry more about building friendships with solid people that will be there through the thick and thin, unconditionally. Love and partnership will come when the time is right, but good friends make the world go ’round.”

Sorel, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Sorel, in his own words: “I’ve gone through so much before I even reached my 25th birthday that once I realized that I was gay I just thought it was just another part of me getting to know myself better. I didn’t go through any internal struggle or mental break down. I never even had to “come out” to anyone, not even my family, I think they just noticed a change in my life, the gender of my partners changed from women to men, and luckily most of them were very nonchalant about it.

I don’t think that my family knew that I was gay before I knew it myself (then again, who knows), it just wasn’t an issue. So being gay to me isn’t any different than being the tallest one in my family or being the only one who moved away from the family cocoon. I just am.

From a very young age, and as far as I can remember, I’ve always been left to my own devices which probably is the reason why I grew up to be pretty much a loner. When I was young living in Cambodia, my parents would always take my sisters with them on trips and left me at home as I was a good student and they didn’t want to interrupt my schooling. During the war there they managed to send all of my siblings and myself to Paris to keep us safe, I was raised by a French family on my own and by the end of the war and after their tragic passing, I was put in a military boarding school by myself.

Once I was old enough to start working, I moved out on my own and eventually came to the U.S, again, on my own. So I guess my biggest challenges has always been to learn to cope with the world around me rather than the struggle with my own sexuality.

My success in life, and I can say this now that I am in my 50s, has been to be able to not only cope with the cards life has dealt me but overcome all of the obstacles and become a well respected member of the retail and fashion industry, an industry that I love and have been a part of for the last 20 some odd years. No matter what happened, I kept on a positive outlook and always try and stay focused on the big picture.

I moved from New York to Phnom Penh, Cambodia almost two years ago and I’m sure that there’s not much I could tell you about the Gay community in NYC that you don’t already know.

The gay community in Phnom Penh on the other hand is very small for a city of 2 million+ people. It is very transient as it is made up of mostly expats who moved to Cambodia for a 6 months contracts (sometimes a bit longer), a few tourists and some young Khmer.

Cambodia being a Buddhist country, most are very accepting and non judgmental. However, most Khmer consider homosexuality to be just a part of you and think/expect their children to eventually get married and have children, mostly boys so that they can carry on the family name. There is no law against homosexuality in Cambodia.

As far as what advice I would give my young self, I’m not quite sure I would tell him to do anything differently. Just live your life doing what feels right, don’t let others tell you how to live your life and well, maybe don’t shop so much…”

Derek, Graphic Designer and Artist, Los Angeles

photo by Kevin Truong

Derek, in his own words: “Being gay is only a part of yourself, you are made up of many beautiful things and are endlessly worth more than you think.

One major challenge I’ve had is reconciling my beliefs with my sexuality. I think everyone has contradicting aspects that make up who they are, it doesn’t mean that you’re messed up it just means that you’re an individual. You can find success in identifying with not just one part of yourself but by taking each piece and making it your own.

I’d like to feel like I was apart of (the gay community in Los Angeles) but I’ve heard it can become very cliquey and incestuous.
You can’t be friendly to someone at a bar without them thinking you want to get in their pants. Actually, you probably shouldn’t try to make friends at bars, everyone’s horny (unless…). You really just have to be confident, find your place and the people you want to surround yourself with, that’s when it becomes easy.

I knew I was gay ever since I was a little navy cardigan wearing Catholic schoolboy. I didn’t come out until my Junior year of high school, even though my parents had found a gay porn zine I had hidden when I was a Sophomore. My parents and family have become very accepting but at times their different views get the best of them, but that’s family.

(Advice I’d give my younger self). Age 13: Don’t hide your porn in your jacket pockets, you have siblings who like to borrow your clothes. Oops.
Age 16: Don’t worry about what other people think.
Age 18: Don’t be afraid to date and make mistakes, you’ll be fine.”