Being gay means that people who have never met you will pass judgment on you as though they understand what it is to be you.

Consequently, being gay eventually means that you’ll learn how to stop taking it personally, maybe.

Being gay means that you happen to like other wonderful people with the same junk as you.

It also means means that religious fanatics will write offensive things on protest boards and get really, really angry that you are even alive, even though sexual sin ranks among the least offensive in God’s eyes.

Being gay means that at some point you will probably download an app or sign up for a website that will cause you to look at a gallery of men in a manner similar to that of toaster shopping.
(Just remember that toasters have feelings too.)

Being gay means that you will think a lot about how others perceive you, but then again, so does being straight, too.

Being gay means that you’ll get to make fun of yourself with all sorts of delightful stereotypes, but then again, straight people do that too.

Being gay means that your religious parents will write you awkward and slightly offensive letters explaining why they think you’re gay, maybe.

Being gay might mean that said religious parents will also maybe sit you down and have a talk with you after they find out that you’ve been sashaying through your Catholic elementary school playground. You can find your “own unique walk”, after all. Just as long as it doesn’t make you look like a sissy.

Being gay means that you might have to watch so that you don’t get bitter. That would be bad.

Being gay means that you can get married in quite a few places.

Being gay means that women everywhere will assume you have excellent taste in shoes.

Being gay means that ghosts visiting you from the 17th century will mistakenly assume you identify as “happy”.

Being gay means that settling the bill might be slightly more complicated, but not much more than usual.

When I first realized I was gay, it felt like a clumsy label, a prescriptive definition that squeezed me in with a group I couldn’t relate to. Admittedly, I still don’t relate to much of the gay community, being recognized as the worst gay ever by friends. However as I grew older, my internalized homophobia died off and I was able to meet a multitude of amazing gay men. This has taught me that what being gay is follows from who gay men are; it’s a descriptive thing. I am part of the definition of what being gay means, and all men who identify as gay make up the whole. Seeing the big definition of being gay as a melange of smaller parts is working well for me.

Coming out was an interesting ride. I was raised in a very religious Evangelical Christian household. I was sent to a private school with prayer and chapel, and was the son of a minister. I was scared beyond belief at the prospect of being found out. Gay men only existed in my mind as phantoms of hollow and depraved lifestyles, with an agenda to destroy all that was good and wholesome. Feeling that those in my Christian community would view me as deeply dysfunctional if they knew I was gay, yet not being able to relate at all to the image of gay men I was presented with, the isolation felt extreme. Thankfully, I grew up as the internet boomed.

When I was 16, I found an online forum that was run for, and by, gay teenagers. This changed my life. I met people in the exact same boat as myself, and realized others were struggling with the same issues, the same doubts, and the same fears. It broke my sense of isolation. A group of friends formed and we supported each other as we came out to our families. I am still close with many of them nearly 10 years later, even though we all live far apart.

Despite the feeling that I was going to vomit before telling people, I am lucky that coming out was mostly positive, though something of a mixed bag. A couple friends’ religious convictions created gulfs that made meaningful relationships impossible. My family members had some initial sadness over what they thought would be a hard life for me, but have ultimately been very supportive. Their love for me and who I am has never been called into question.