Tag Archives: the gay men project

Peter, Social Worker, Copenhagen, Denmark

photo by Kevin Truong

Peter, in his own words: “Growing up in a small town as a teenager in the 80’s and 90’s, exposure to the gay side of life was extremely limited. The occasional sex education book at the back of the library, a gay phone line to call where I was often too shy to talk, a bisexual porn movie rental or a drunken kiss with a friend were pretty much it. It wasn’t really until I moved to a bigger city in Denmark with one gay bar and with the introduction of the internet that I fully discovered my own sexuality. It was like a whole new and exciting world opening up to me. I believe all these experiences or a lack thereof in my teens have also formed my perception on what being gay means to me today. I view being gay as only one part of me as a person. In a few ways it defines me, in most others it couldn’t matter less. What being gay will always mean to me though is that I’ll always, in one way or another, belong to a minority with all of its good and sometimes bad sides.

Living one part of my life outside of the societal norm in a somewhat parallel world has given me some amazing experiences and insights in life that I doubt I would have gotten otherwise. In that way I feel lucky and grateful. It is also a doubled-edged sword to me. At times it has given me a very special and positive sense of belonging to a unique and spectacularly diverse community with so much to offer, while at others, frustrations over the lack of acceptance and often stereotypical judgements within the community itself have been prevalent.

What being gay also means is that I actively have to keep defining myself as different. Every time I meet a new person I have to decide whether to tell the person in front of me that I’m gay, whether to wait or to just not say anything at all. It’s a choice I have to make which in Denmark isn’t a huge problem to make, but nevertheless life as a gay man easily becomes a never-ending life of coming out which I sometimes find a little straining and stressful. Furthermore, an invisible hierarchy also seems to exist in society with respect to which values or lifestyle choices have the most meaning or are the most correct. I find that as a gay man I am more often forced into defending or at least explaining my choices such as more partying or not having kids, amongst others, than my straight counterparts. On the positive side, I believe that also gives me easier access to defining my own life as I’m less pressured by general societal expectations.

I think being gay has also given me a thicker skin. On a daily basis I read articles or headlines that promote hatred, discrimination and the death of homosexuals. I hear about people being attacked in hate crimes, others jailed, discriminated or bullied because of their sexuality. Fortunately I have been spared from much of this but I do find it harsh, tiring and discouraging to constantly be on someone’s agenda only because I want to spend my life with a person of the same gender. I would honestly like to think that the world has a few bigger issues than who I bring into my bedroom.

I guess that in the end being gay to me is for better or for worse, as with everything else in life. Nevertheless I’m proud of being gay and for who I am as a person today. I’m proud of being part of a community with such a rich history of fighting for equality and acceptance. I’m grateful to those who started the revolution in 60’s and 70’s and made life easier for the following generations and I’m proud of the everyday heroes who are standing on the battlegrounds today as equality and acceptance still have long way to go in too many countries worldwide. Huge challenges in my life haven’t been major. Of course I have struggled a little during the formative years trying to figure all this gay stuff out but generally I would say everything in life has seemed to fall into place just nicely without too many headaches along the way. Trying to build a life where you feel happy and loving yourself on a daily basis is a continuous challenge, which is one that I feel I have successfully achieved.

Despite past relationship failures, bad dates, awkward encounters and long periods of being single, I definitely consider the ability to stay optimistic and continue to believe in love one of my successes. Cynicism seems to be always lurking somewhere in the background within the community, both due to the openness and directness of the sexual side of being gay but also due to the ever-ongoing youth obsession and hunt for fresh meat. Lasting relationships can be tough to find especially when younger, where the level of curiosity is at its peak. I’m happy to say though that love once again has shown its beautiful face and with it an even stronger feeling that the years of waiting and sometimes frustrations were absolutely worth it. In the big picture I’m a fortunate man and consider myself extremely lucky having a loving family, a wonderful group of close friends and the most amazing new boyfriend.

The above mentioned move to a bigger city is also part of my coming out story. Very few people knew about my sexuality at the time and it wasn’t really a big deal to me. I was in my early twenties when I met my first boyfriend. Though we didn’t live in the same city he was the one that opened my eyes to life as a gay man. After a while together I came to the realization that people should actually know about the happiness I was feeling, who I loved and also more generally know about this side of me. In other words, I wanted to share my happiness with the people who were the most important to me in my life. I guess on some level he gave me the courage to fully come out not only to friends but also to my family, something which I will always be grateful for. Friends gave me hugs, mom cried a bit followed by hugs and kisses, while dad was more the strong silent type in the beginning but eventually understood what I was saying. I have never expected anyone to accept it right away as coming out is something you as a person have had years to think about before saying it. However, there was generally acceptance, understanding and support from all sides which made it a big relief in some way. It’s sometimes strange how many different worst case scenarios you have playing out in your own head before the otherwise simple words ‘I’m gay’ actually come out of your mouth. In almost all cases these scenarios are unfounded and a waste of time but still serve as a good learning process for the future.

I believe Denmark has always been considered a liberal country when it comes to sexuality. The worlds first national association for gays and lesbians were founded in 1948, the first gay bar opened more than 80 years ago and in the fight for equality the country saw its first recognized same sex partnership in 1989. Although the city is small and no Berlin for sure, I do find the community quite mixed with options catering to most interests. When it comes to nightlife, I think that Copenhagen has all the usual different types of bars with different parties on the side. The general openness means that almost all venues are mixed which sometimes makes me miss the all male parties you see in most bigger cities around the world. In my opinion the biggest downside of the bars though is that they seem to be quite old-fashioned and provincial. The main music consists of old classics and Eurovision songs mixed with a few popular tracks in between. I really would like to see the scene develop and reinvent itself, especially music wise!

On the healthier side I’m really impressed with the local LGBT sports group here. They are doing a great job now offering more than 20 different sports and I can say joining one of them is one of the best choices I made, when I first moved to Copenhagen. As a new guy in town it was a great way for me to meet people outside the bar scene and a perfect way to build lasting friendships.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” as the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said. Giving advice to my younger self though would mean having a lot of things I wish I had done differently. I don’t believe giving advice in hindsight serves much purpose as each and every experience I have in my backpack are important and have helped me become the person I am today. Instead I’ll say that no matter where you are in life my advice to anyone would be to be true to yourself, don’t delay things, follow your intuition and not least never forget to cherish the good and learn from the bad.”

Jirka, Psychologist, Prague, Czech Republic

photo by Kevin Truong

Jirka, in his own words: “I rather appreciate the process of becoming gay and deciding about that, than being “gay”. It is some work label I use more for other people than for me myself. I’d better avoid expectation that comes from the label. As if you would be a jar of raspberry jam. But I am also the blueberry one. I see myself as non-heterosexual. It feels less determining for me. And for me, that all means great opportunity. I am the lucky one. Grateful for being pushed out of my heteronormative limits and comfort zone. I would not have enough courage otherwise. To realize a little bit more, how the world, relationships, and life work, not how I was told it is. To be more myself, not what I think is expected from me to want, feel and be. And after all, it is more fun…

Until last year I thought that coming out was the greatest challenge. Yes, it took some time, till I was ready to become gay (and later leave this label a little bit), but after all it was fun and I enjoyed that. I confess, I thought it would be so easy and everything is solved now. From last year the greatest adventure is being single as I left my partnership after eleven years. I never thought I would come to this. Now it fits, we are friends and yet we share the same home. But I wasn’t on my own for a decade.

I would never imagine anyone else than my (former) man. And still I can’t. I can’t figure it out I could feel with somebody else so natural, safe, open, loyal and trustful. He was like a car and I was a motor. He provided home and security. He was attentive and helpful. I provided inspiration, movement, life and emotions. Quite traditional scheme. We both nourished our home and relationship in our way. I was aware that he wasn’t giving me the needed gasoline back. And finally my heart was running on empty, motor went dry. And still I couldn’t imagine getting out of the car… family. And we were becoming estranged; he was losing his dignity in my eyes. I wasn’t aware how much I was losing my own dignity in my eyes…

“Look around just people, can you hear their voice, Find the one who’ll guide you to the limits of your choice” (The Gravity of Love) So as always I needed to find someone else to ignite me. We had always an open relationship. It wasn’t anything new to meet somebody. But this time, thanks to that dragon, I found a well in a desert. I didn’t fall in love and leave my man because of somebody else. I just realized what I’ve been missing. How much I am thirsty and how much I have eroded.

I realized that there is another fear than being lonely. I am more frightened to find myself with a strange man in a strange room. Buried alive. I needed a revolutionary road… And finally there was a moment of survival and breaking up, though it brought another personal crisis. Till then my partnership was the main source I clung to. So when I took it as a china figure and smashed it against the floor, my life was shattered. I was at point zero, even eleven years back, lonely, numb, without any strength, resources or self-esteem. But I knew that was the only way: first to break everything into pieces to be able to put it together newly.

So after eleven years I am like a boat once again out on the sea. Sometimes lonely, uncertain, tired, scared or hurt, but at least I am aware I am living. Though it is safe to be a boat in a harbor, that’s not what the boat was built for. Now I have to learn a lot of things, recall things and skills I’ve forgotten and reinvent myself. I’ve learnt how not to bark at the wrong tree. (If it’s the right tree, you don’t need to bark at all.) How not to let others waste your time. (You have to appreciate yourself first.) Slowly I am putting together pieces of my self-esteem on my own. I am inspiring, source of inception for others. Though I am not always self-confident, I substitute it with my passion(s) and determination. I am not brave to travel alone, but I am brave enough to be open, brave to closeness, to look somebody in the eye. And I don’t want a man. I want man and love.

I was always gender nonconforming. In a hetero-normative and gender stereotypical society I always failed the test to prove myself to be a man. I loved gymnastic or volleyball, but my schoolmates loved football and basketball. I loved broccoli, but I was told I am supposed to love chili. I love HBO, but I was supposed to like Eurosport. Everything was gendered. When I was a child, the main male heroes were Stallone or Schwarzenegger. Movie role models cut somebody’s hand and slapped him with it in the face. And I would rather touch and care. So I couldn’t find any male role model and only women were inspirations for me.

It was the same at home. I was close to my mum, but though my dad loved me, we were somehow strange for each other. So my dad didn’t support me either. Actually it was the other way round. He was feeling insecure and he was shaming things me or others liked. And I was sensitive about that and of course it made some mess with my self-esteem as a man.

When I was in puberty, I was always aroused just by male elements. But I was learned to be romantically involved with women. I resolved it, that men and boys I quite exotic for me, so it made sense to be sexually aroused. I kept my heterosexual identity… and was more and more lonely. I felt, I was not free to explore myself. Because of shame. And I didn’t like to be told I should be gay, because a feel or like this, or if I was gay a should feel like this and like this. I was eager so much to decide about me myself.

Some personal crisis was needed, to shake me. I was over twenty studding psychology at college and one week we were visiting different social and psychological institutions in Prague. I was confronted with the topic homosexuality all the week. I felt like a water surface under rain. My heart, body and mind were completely disconnected.

But it was a first step and few months later, I was 22 and I was finishing my college and started to be open to myself and others, to socialize more. I was ready to be open to explore, whether I could be gay. I was brave enough and hungry (lonely) enough. And the funny part was, I wouldn’t mind being gay after all, but I don’t know how to find out. I even knew it would be OK with my parents. I met some gays before and I admired them for their openness, but I didn’t realized, it could have anything to do with me. I was shy and introvert, let somebody else be gay, who knows how to work it out!

I remember dreams from that time. About houses and travelling, finding direction and destination. It all started with a house with a scaffolding around, that was demolished inside and all the dust went out. The house was me. Build inside according heteronormativity. Now I could start all over according to my own self-determination. And in one dream I finally got to a colorful place. It was almost like in The Wizard of Oz. Also in my life it finally seemed I got from black and white into Technicolor.

I wanted to consult it with some professional, but I realized even before I got there. That could be chance how to tell my mum, I was dealing with something like that, because I needed money for the professional care. But my mum asked me few hours before. She wrote me a letter, we were sometimes exchanging at home, as I was leaving for college, and was worried whether I would feel hurt by her suggesting I maybe could find a boy for myself.

So I was free to explore myself and have support from my family. I just was not used to feel romantically for a man. Hence I switch on a TV program with a gay I liked and tried just to imagine… And it worked out. It was possible. Finally I realized it could be this way, because I felt natural. I could socialize with other people; after all I found friends – gays and my partner pretty soon as well. And in family it was also an explanation (even for my grand mums), everything fitted in place and my relationship with dad was much better.

Gay communities in Prague should be quite diverse. I try to be aware about all the colors of the wind. I am member of a LGBT+ community organization and some of us are radical (I need some real change, not just to cut grass on the ground.) and some conservative. I have a lot of friends who are faithful, some are Catholics. What I appreciate the most is how people are developing and changing their attitudes. My friend made some TV program I took part in and another friend of mine I appreciated very much was inspired by that to meet me after years. He was never a sympathizer of Prague Pride as some unnecessary carnival. But after all he found a partner and wanted to get registered with him. And he was stroke, that it all began once again with his parents that were OK with him being gay and with his partner. But now they were worried about neighbors. My friend was finally sitting in railway station hall and suddenly he got it. He wanted to scream: “I am gay and I am here so just get used to it.” Now he has nothing against any carnival or gay pride because it doesn’t work just to be a good boy.

I would surely not give any advice to my younger elf. I wouldn’t listen. I need to find myself and in my time. Just with some support and inspiration of others. But I choose myself, what’s tasty. There is only one thing I would tell myself. Simply: “I love you.” That boy deserves to know it and it’s all he needs to know.”

Kevin, Writer, Nairobi, Kenya

photo by Kevin Truong

Kevin, in his own words: “Being gay to me is about being myself. Too be honest, I don’t think about it much. I just get on with my business and being myself. I’m a guy attracted to guy and I’m trying to make something of my life and do my best to make this world are better place for all of us.

I’m trying not to worry about the small stuff. That is something I have tended to do lots. I’m fortunate to be living in a beautiful country, it has its challenges, lots of them. There is the societal pressure, pressure to conform, apathy, political challenges, conservatism, etc. Personally, trying to be myself in an environment that is cautious of difference is a challenge. I know this is not unique to Kenya, but it’s the one challenge that I am trying to deal with.

I’ve have many successes, however, I look back at this year and 2014 will always stand out for me. I got my anthology/book on Kenya LGBT stories published which resulted in my public coming out. I’ve met interesting people as a result of Invisible being published. Had conversations with individuals who are struggling with their own sexuality. I’ve been able to tell the Kenyan story and what it’s like to be gay in Kenya and I believe I’ve done a good job of it. I describe myself as a storyteller, which is why I enjoy journalism and I’ve been fortunate to tell an important story.

I’m still on the journey of self-discovery and I’m re-discovering my love for words. I’ve been fortunate to have many successes, because I love trying new things and seeing new things. I’ve surrounded myself with people who have seen something in me and they’ve encouraged me to go out and try and achieve more. I’ve learnt from my family, friends and peers and I’m still learning.

The urge to learn and explore for me is the bedrock of the successes that life has given me. I’m still learning and enjoying this process.

There is a vibrant, yet underground scene in Nairobi. There are networks that support one another, that party together, that play together and that grow together. It may not be out to the public eye like in more liberal societies, but it’s OUT there.

(Advice I’d give my younger self) Don’t be afraid to speak, share your thoughts and question and continue seeing the world, embracing diversity. Don’t be afraid of mistakes no one is perfect.”