Being a part of two minorities has been something that I’ve struggled with along with not having self-security and a positive self-image of myself after coming to terms with the fact that I was gay. During my younger years I had a hard time identifying with other people of color because I grew up in Portland (which is a majorly Caucasian city.) To add onto that I had a hard time identifying myself as a male because I was unsure of my sexuality starting at a very young age.

I went to a big public elementary school in SE Portland where the majority of my peers were Caucasian, which lead me to adopt some of their unique habits that weren’t similar to the ones that I encountered when I entered a middle school and eventually high school where the majority of the population was of color. While attending the new schools that I did in North and Northeast Portland I didn’t listen to the same music as my peers, I talked differently, had different interests, and dressed differently; for these reasons along with going through the awkward ‘ugly’ stages of puberty and being unsure of my sexual orientation I was teased a lot about how different I was than everyone else. These years were very difficult for me as a young person and although I didn’t show it I was very depressed because of it.

Over time, I was able to adapt to my changing surroundings and come to terms with my sexuality and be comfortable with it. Because of this, I eventually gained more self-confidence and security each and every day. Now, having more confidence in who I was allowed me to open up a door for me to be more social with the people around me at school and in life; Being more social allowed me to make many great friends throughout my middle and high school years and it allowed me to establish more professional connections as well.

While going through these tough transitions though (before I was out) I would always say to myself ‘They are teasing me because they know I’m different, and (the difference) meaning (because I was gay)’ although I was able to cover up my emotions in the spotlight I wasn’t able to handle it in the silent night; even sometimes now, when I feel like people are treating me differently, being rude, or looking or overlooking me altogether I immediately jump to the conclusion that ‘they know I’m gay’ instead of saying to myself ‘Well they must be having a bad day’ or ‘They’re just rude to everyone and I shouldn’t take it personal’.

Emotion isn’t something that I show much of unless its happiness, frustration, or contentment but sometimes still when I think people are treating me differently my feelings get hurt. I say this again because in my mind I see it as them saying or showing me without words that ‘I’m not good enough’ or that ‘I’m less than a human because of my sexuality.’

I can’t speak on the entire gay community in Portland because I feel like I haven’t ‘experienced’ it fully yet as I am still very young, but through my time living in Portland and identifying myself as gay I have encountered nothing but happy, smart, funny, and creative individuals who don’t let societies labels hold them back from doing what the hell they want to do with their life.

My coming out story doesn’t have a traditional ‘start and finish’ well hell most coming out stories don’t; I was about 17 when I fully accepted who I truly was and identified myself proudly that I was gay. Although I’m not super ‘masculine’ some of the people that I considered friends at the time didn’t know. Eventually, in casual conversation between classes (or during classes), it would get brought up and discussed and some would even come up to me and ask. While having this moment of vulnerability with them when I revealed my true self, most didn’t blink an eye.

I was also fortunate enough to have befriended someone who at first, unknowingly, was going through the same thing as I was. We were each other’s right arms and after many years of friendship we grew to be very close. Overtime our self-disclosure about our sexuality and life in general got deeper and deeper and in a weird way we both transitioned into being ‘out’ to our peers together. Throughout our years of friendship in high school we had each other to lean on when times got rough or we just needed someone to talk to. Although we had a very extreme (for lack of a better word) friendship I am so blessed and thankful that I met him and had him by my side through thick and thin.

Self acceptance was and is my biggest failure and also my greatest success. I still fail daily at releasing the ingrained moors of a restrictive and religious upbringing, abusive family construct and learned self-loathing. It’s also where my greatest triumph lies because I am learning daily to adore the creature I am, to nurture self-care and to be a solid pliable strength to those who maybe aren’t quite there yet. I learn a lot from falling down hard.

I don’t know too much about the gay community in Portland. It’s a different scene here than coming from the few other cities I’ve lived like Phoenix or Boston where everyone goes to the same bar week after week. Portland has a thriving queer/trans underground that is doing amazing things. In that “scene” I’ve found a family; a community that supports one another and lives each other’s triumphs and sorrows. I suppose it really depends on what you’re looking for what you’ll find. If one can’t understand that they can’t really know what they’re missing.

I did a bit of a peekaboo I think in coming out. I knew very young that I was attracted to men as I developed crushes on my friends and older male figures very rapidly early on in my childhood. I think to this day I tend to fall in love pretty quickly though much more tentatively.

I wrote a pretty graphic letter to my father when I was 13 in reaction to a rather violent abusive episode in particular; coming out to him out of spite I think. My parents ignored the letter and when I confronted them was told in a very stern Jamaican Patois that I wasn’t gay and to go to my room.

It took until I moved to Boston 6 years later for me to begin living as a then identified actualized gay man. I made a point to never sleep with the same guy twice for years and used to keep a black moleskin documenting each of my sexual escapades in the city with a descriptor of the trick, the act, and the date. I stopped when I filled the book.

I ended up re-closeting myself when I got signed to an indie record label in 2003 fresh out of school. They felt It didn’t fit the image and I wasn’t as strong as I am now to disagree. I became incredibly depressed and suicidal and even manic at times. That shame we carry can eat a soul up. I think those were probably some of my darkest days.

When I was dropped from the label and that door closed I moved to Portland to start afresh. I came here to rekindle a music career and ended up finding a community and family that support me in my growth as a spiritual being and decent human. I’m 10 times beyond where I ever imagined I could be as an actualized and accepted queer person of color. Things aren’t perfect but I am constantly growing and evolving. That will forever be my story.