Tag Archives: new york city

Ben, Entrepreneur/Business Coach, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Ben, in his own words: “Some may think that being gay/queer only refers to same-sex attraction, and see just one singular “gay community,” when in fact there are MANY flavors, shapes, and expressions of what it means to be gay/queer. For me, it’s the intersection of attraction, culture, community, and connection. I was lucky enough to be born gay and I couldn’t be happier about it. It has helped shape and make me who I am today, well beyond just who I’m attracted to.

I’m enjoying adulthood far more than I did my adolescent years. High school in particular was an awkward and painful time of my life, and in fact I’ve completely forgotten much of it. Even though I came out at 18, it took me a long time to get over the shame of being gay. For years I overachieved to “make up for” being gay. I really wasn’t comfortable in my own skin until my late 20’s when I became more confident and capable of making a difference for others. One thing I’m extremely proud of is transforming the culture of a company I worked for, Oliver Wyman, to being fully LGBT inclusive, which it wasn’t when I got there. A few colleagues and I formed an LGBT employee group, voted me Chief Gay, and we hauled ass to make significant strides that continue to this day, eight years later.

After telling many of my friends, it was time to tell my family I was gay. On Christmas day of 2000, my sister and I were walking our dogs on a snowy golf course. I was so anxious, but promised myself that by the time we got to the sand trap on the 4th hole I’d tell her. She was great and three days later I sat mom and dad down. I read a 400 page book written by a psychologist on how to come out and I had planned it like a military operation. They both immediately told me they loved me, but it went opposite of what I expected. My mom, out of concern for my safety and happiness, was very sad for many months. My more macho and stoic father offered me a beer (after mom retreated to her room to cry) and toasted me saying “here’s to being yourself, the only thing I could ever ask for from my son.” It still makes me tear up. Within a short time mom got over hear fears for me and is now fiercely supportive. Heck, she’s even been to Fire Island with me!

People ask where the gay neighborhoods are in NYC and I quip back “Manhattan and Brooklyn.” Seriously. There must be more gay people here than anywhere else on earth. Moving from Denver to NYC I feared I wouldn’t measure up or be “cool enough.” I soon realized nobody is “cool enough” for NYC and I’ve never felt more at home, accepted, and like I belonged than I have since moving here eight and a half years ago. There is literally something for everyone here. When you hear someone complaining about the “gay life” in NYC, just know they are lazy and don’t get of out their bubble much.

I’d tell my younger self this … “Sleep more. Drink less. Workout more. Start meditating. Work your ass off. Save more. Explore the world.” Above all, “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” I feel very good about the man I’ve become and the choices I’ve made, but the thing I regret most is being so hard on myself.”

Zachary, Learning & Development Manager/Improv Performer, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Zachary, in his own words: “I have always been observant.

I could easily spot wildlife long before anyone else while hiking in the mountains of Utah. As for rules, their inherent purpose was to be observed, so I implicitly complied. As for people, in social settings I was keenly aware of what they did while always asking myself, “Why?”

Ultimately, these observations have led me to succeed in my HR career and serve as fuel for my character work in improv. However, before it was a triumph, I could hardly even see it as a silver lining.

Being 6’6” it was (literally) hard to fit in, but that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Add being gay, and I was acutely aware of how different I was while growing up as Mormon in Utah. It’s a weird paradox going through school desperate to set yourself apart by being the best with a perfect GPA, with a lead in the school play, with the sweater of a Student Body Officer, and yet to remain being part of the group. Balancing these conflicting desires ultimately came down to not gaining undue attention. Give me attention, sure – but when it’s on my terms. So, I teetered back and forth always testing what was socially acceptable, toeing close to the line, but always sure to keep a safe distance away.

Awareness was my protection, my defense.

But despite my keen observations, there was a lot I didn’t see. It wasn’t until I moved to New York and later came out that I started to recognize the world for what it truly was. Mind you, coming out doesn’t magically make life better. A fairy drag queen of a mother doesn’t plop down, shower you with glittery rainbows, and whisk you away on a unicorn of dreams with fat-free thin mint girl scout cookies. You don’t suddenly become best friends with Nate Berkus throwing perfectly decorated rooftop brunches. Nor at that brunch does someone invite you to “summer” at their beach house next year.

Life still exists. It will be hard at times. And people, gay or not, are still people with all the emotions and bias that come along with being human. Friends will rush in and out. Morals get challenged in ways never previously imagined. God’s existence may come into question and surprises await on the other side of that pondering. Memories of past hardships will begin to fade. New talents will emerge. Confidence finds its way back into existence.

Nowadays, I love my life! Through it all, I have started to notice changes within myself. As a gay man, I have been able to expand my capacity to love and understand others. I connect with others in new ways and have deeper insight to the human condition. This would not have happened otherwise. My greatest trial has become one of my greatest blessings.

I will continue through life taking time to observe the world as it is, trying to find ways in which it could be better, and asking myself new and challenging questions. Luckily, one thing will no longer be rattling around inside for I now realize that while being gay isn’t inherently easy, it’s the only way I know how, or would ever want, to be.”

Justin, Student, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Justin, in his own words: “In the most literal sense, being gay is just an attraction to someone of the same sex. And, in one regard, for me at least, being gay is just that. But when you consider how much our sexuality dictates how we act and dress and speak and live, I think that being gay (or sexuality, in general) becomes something more. So on one hand, I think that being gay is just a fraction of who I am as a person. That is, I’m not just gay; I’m also a brother, a son, a friend, a student, etc. and I have goals and aspirations and wants and needs that have little to do with my sexuality. But on the other hand, that small part of me has had a significant impact on my person, and I’m always mindful of that.

The challenges that I’ve faced being gay have been largely internal. I’ve only come out in the last two years and, in that time, I struggled with what being gay meant for my identity. I think that there is a pretty generalized notion of what gay men look like or act like, and because I didn’t conform to those standards when I first came out, I felt like I wasn’t “gay enough.” And I think that this notion is even more pronounced in the black community; straight black men seem held to a standard of hyper-masculinity while gay black men (the inverse of straight black men) seem held to an opposite standard of hyper-femininity. Because I don’t see myself as either incredibly masculine or feminine, I’ve found it difficult to strike a balance between these two and present myself in a way that reflects this balance, so that I’m not trying to be super flamboyant and “twinky” in order to fit in with the gay community or so that I’m not trying to “butch up” to fit in with everyone else.

I guess that, in a way, this is my coming out story, since I still haven’t come out to some friends and family members, and I left some to infer that I was gay without making an official declaration.

But I first came out in my freshman year of college, after a friend of mine confided in me and told me that he was gay. It seemed cheap to keep my secret from him after he had been so open with me. So I told him, and I remember feeling free and relieved and secure. And I wanted to replicate that feeling, so I told everyone: my ex-girlfriend, my best friend from home, all of my friends at school, my brother, and finally my parents (all of whom claimed that they already knew). Nothing made me surer of my relationships than the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family after my coming out, and my only regret is that I had not told them sooner.”

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Tag Archives: new york city

Ben, Entrepreneur/Business Coach, New York City

Zachary, Learning & Development Manager/Improv Performer, New York City

Justin, Student, New York City