Tag Archives: lgbtq

Christopher, Claims Examiner, Nashville, Tennessee

photo by Kevin Truong

Christopher, in his own words: “I cannot remember a single moment when I wasn’t gay.

But being gay … that’s another story, one that I’m still figuring out.

Like a bitter batch of sun tea, I was steeped in fundamentalist Christianity since birth. I entered my adolescent years with a foul taste in my mouth and enough guilt to last until I was over the hill. I bottled that up and tried to be devout.

Until my 29th year I truly believed that no person actually was gay. I thought my same-sex attractions were some kind of spiritual oppression. And I imagined two polarized forces fighting for the fate of my soul.

Imagine that.

It all seems so dramatic now.

Regardless of how it feels now, for too many years I believed it to be true and I knew my only option was to follow the doctrine in which I had been stewing. I did what every good Christian boy does: I married a woman and started a family.

Six years later I woke from the fever dream.

Coming out was utterly terrifying. All I could think about was my children, and the effect it would have on our relationship.

I had always been a very connected father. My kids were born at home with a midwife and I was there to catch each of them. I cut their umbilical cords and rinsed out their cloth diapers. I know that granola phase is long gone, but I loved every second of it.

It’s much easier to deny who you are when you are giving every moment to three precious little ones. But eventually there came a point of clarity in which the veil was pulled back (or torn in two — you take your pick). Suddenly I realized I had been fighting to maintain a certain standing in a religious paradigm to which I had always struggled to relate.

This epiphany resulted in my dual coming out—as a gay man and as a humanist. The ripple effects were beautiful and devastating.

When my ex-wife quickly moved them from northern Illinois to Nashville to join an oppressive religious community, I left everything I had ever known behind to follow my children. I didn’t know what to expect moving to the Bible Belt just months after coming out. What I found in Nashville was a wonderful queer community that embraced me.

After spending almost three decades feeling mostly alone, now I am surrounded by people that love me for who I am and support me as I navigate my way through the trials of divorce and a new and unexpected version of fatherhood.

It’s been a painful process, and I know challenges will persist. This is obvious when your father is a gay, secular humanist and your mother an outspoken Christian fundamentalist. I know my children will come out on the other side of this as strong, freethinking individuals. They will see that their father never stopped loving them.

As for me, I’m in a city that feels like home and sharing life with a man with whom I’m completely in love. What more could I ask for?

If I could go back in time, I’d tell my younger self a lot of things. I would grab me by the shoulders and shake me violently while proclaiming “feel the fuck out of your feelings!”

I’d remind myself of the beauty in simply being alive.

Being gay is small in the scope of the human experience. Stop making such a big deal about it. Accept it and move on so that you can look your life square in the eye and be in awe of its sheer magnitude.”

Evan, Regional Director, Manila, Philippines

photo by Kevin Truong

Evan, in his own words: “Being gay just means being attracted to people of the same sex. That’s it. Everything else — the circles we’re in, the places we go to, the products and services we use, the people we support — these are just incidental things that do not define the LGBT community. My personal journey though as part of the community has exposed me to the unique challenges here in the Philippines. Being gay drives me to shatter stereotypes and fight for rights that we deserve as citizens of the country.

Experiencing discrimination and not enjoying the same rights as straight people do is one of the big challenges I face as a gay man. Like getting married for example. Or being told that I’m bad.

Professionally, I am lucky to have a respectable position in a multinational tech company that supports equality and provides equal opportunities to the LGBT community.

At first I refused to identify as gay, partly because I found the whole label limiting. I had a long coming-out process as I struggled with feelings that I did not fully understand. I was scared to be pigeonholed and stereotyped. Eventually I started telling my friends about being gay. It became an open secret until it wasn’t much of a secret anymore.

Last year was a big breakthrough as a big brand here in the Philippines interviewed Filipino LGBT people, and I got to be part of it. I guess I could say that there was no way to hide it anymore. And it felt good that people treated me the same way after. My coming out fears, it turned out, were all in my head.

There’s still a struggle for acceptance and it drives a lot of people to fear identifying as LGBT. It’s a crazy catch-22 situation: people don’t identify as gay or lesbian or trans or bisexual because they don’t want to be discriminated and stereotyped, but LGBT people continue to be discriminated and stereotyped because we don’t see a lot of diversity. Different LGBT people remain invisible.

That’s changing though. We’re becoming more open and people are shattering misconceptions slowly. We’re fighting against the system, the false images painted by the media. Straight people are starting to realize we’re just like everyone else, that we have the same dreams, aspirations, wishes, and fears as everyone else. We just really want to be loved and to love.

(Advice I’d give my younger self) Believe in the love that people give you. Trust that those who truly love you will love you for being who you are and for being honest with your self. Be kinder and gentler to your self. You don’t have to fit in the images being projected on you. You can be who you are, and yeah, that’s awesome.”

Peter and Michael, School Counselor and Retired Payroll Director, Philadelphia

photo by Kevin Truong

Peter, in his own words: “As a youth I knew I was different from the other boys my age. I wasn’t exactly sure what the disparity was, but it seemed significant.

It wasn’t merely my lack of interest in sports or my quiet, calm personality compared to the aggressive drive I sensed in other boys. They knew I was different, too. Being taller than all my peers, I escaped the physical bullying many others endured.

In high school I thought that I must be homosexual. The friendships I enjoyed were mostly with girls and with some boys like me. At that time I became aware of my sexual attraction to other boys, and men in the media.

Surprisingly, I didn’t feel a sense of shame about who I must be. I accepted myself, yet I didn’t risk the disclosure of my difference. I wasn’t going to give that piece of me to just anyone. There were almost no gays or lesbians in the movies or on TV – no Ellen, or Elton or an Oprah to make it all seem ok. It seems keeping my true self hidden was how I interacted with the world. I gave little of myself and became the friend that always listened and supported others. It was not until the end of college that I was open with others about my sexuality.

Now at 55, I can look back at almost 30 years with Michael. He is a man with huge heart and a big, warm loving personality. His example taught me that to be truly intimate with others requires honesty. Through our relationship I have continued to evolve and grow as a person. I’ve come to have experiences I never expected to have – together we have traveled the world and enjoyed many warm, rich friendships. We enjoy a nephew and many godchildren. I have learned that even though being gay has afforded me a great perspective and wonderful experiences, it doesn’t shield us from life’s difficult times. We have buried our mothers and too many friends.

I realize that I have had the life that I was meant to lead, that being gay has not prevented me from having a rich, rewarding life. It is my hope that the increased normalizing of gay life in the public sphere will allow young people to be themselves at an earlier age than I was.”

Michael, in his own words: “I have conflicting ideas about what being gay means to me. When I look at it intellectually I understand the position of many people that being gay is just one aspect of our selves, and that we shouldn’t be judged solely on being gay. However, my immediate response is that being gay has and does influence most of what I think and feel in all aspects of life.

I came out over 40 years ago, at a time when there were no, or very few, openly gay people. I had never met any one who was gay. Every message I received about homosexuals and homosexuality was negative. I was bullied and taunted all through my school years, and was always fearful. This greatly influenced my behavior. I was very quiet and would not even answer questions in a class. And this was long before I even understood sexual attraction. I had few friends and was guarded about what I would say to people. These behaviors continued into college. By then I realized my sexual attraction to other males, yet still had crushes on girls.

Of course, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone my “secret” nor had I acted on my attraction to men. Yet, my life did change greatly. In my junior year of college, I lived away from home. I met in my dormitory/dining hall a group of students who seemed to accept me and want to befriend me just the way I was. It was a brand new feeling and gradually allowed me to gain some self-confidence. Those people are close friends to this day. The experience with these friends allowed me to become more comfortable in social situations and feel free to be who I am.

It wasn’t until graduate school that I had my first sexual experience and met other gay students with whom I became friendly. Making friends with other gay men and being accepted allowed me to come into my own. While it was always a little scary to come out to someone, my experiences were overwhelmingly positive. Meeting my partner (of 30 years) has allowed me to blossom even further and face challenges I would never have earlier in life when I feared anyone knowing I was gay.

To my younger self I would say that it’s important to trust in other people, to not assume that they will judge you negatively for being gay. And, to understand and accept that coming out and growing is a life-long process. Be open and be yourself. You will find other people who will accept and love you exactly the way you are!”