Tag Archives: gay

Steven, Shop Girl, San Francisco

photo by Kevin Truong

Steven, in his own words: “I grew up in Kansas in the 1970’s and ‘80’s in the same town where Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church based their hateful, homophobic “ministry”. Though they were an extreme example of this attitude, the general feeling toward gays wasn’t much different. Back then, nobody was out in high school. Even though several of my best friends and I were gay, none of us came out to each other until many years later. The subject was never discussed. When I got to college I felt a little freer to explore, but not much more than kissing a few boys. I was still in Kansas, after all. It wasn’t until I graduated from college and moved to New York that I felt free enough to release my inner slut. I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do.

I graduated from high school the same year that the first documented cases of AIDS were reported. This added an extra layer of fear and shame to my coming out. In the early years nobody knew exactly how it was contracted, so every sexual encounter was a potential death trip. My response was to drink a lot, do a lot of drugs, and have a lot of mostly unsafe sex. I think a lot of us back then assumed we were going to die soon, so we might as well have fun while we could. Carpe fucking diem. I was on a path of self-destruction which eventually landed me in rehab. There are many reasons that so many gay men development alcohol and drug dependency problems, but for me shame and internalized homophobia were the original demons. Later on, survivor guilt and PTSD were the extra ingredients that drove me over the edge. After a couple of stints in the psych ward and three trips to rehab, I finally started to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Since I moved to San Francisco over twenty years ago, the city and the gay community have changed dramatically. I arrived in the middle of the Plague Years, during which a huge portion of my generation of gay men were wiped out. Anybody who survived, either positive or negative, will bear the scars of those years and that loss forever. When protease inhibitors appeared in the mid-90’s, AIDS was no longer an automatic death sentence. Some long-term survivors have been HIV-positive for decades.

Social media has changed everything. Grindr and similar apps have revolutionized the way that gay men connect. While cruising the bars was once the primary means of connection, now with only a few clicks and swipes you can have fresh meat delivered to your doorstep in a matter of minutes. And PrEP has changed the way gay men have sex. Barebacking is the only way to go for a lot of guys these days, especially the younger ones who weren’t around for the plague.

Like all subcultures, gay men have always had their own way of seeing and being in the world. We used to have to meet in secret and communicate in code. A green carnation on the lapel or a pink bandana in the back pocket spoke volumes. As the gay community has assimilated, many of the things that made our community special have disappeared. With so many gay men proudly proclaiming, “We’re just like everyone else”, much of the beauty and mystery of gay culture is being erased.”

Jonathan, Student, San Francisco

photo by Kevin Truong

Jonathan, in his own words: “Being queer to me means understanding and acknowledging yourself and how you’ve gotten there. Everyone has very different experiences and different ways with handling their situations and life, whether they be negative or positive. These experiences along with other experiences from my life have been amazing tools that I don’t let define me but I use to remind me, they also allowed me to become very open minded in everything I do and my interactions with other people, whether they be queer or not. Being queer for me isn’t a life style of labels and cliques, but a mentality about how I treat others and would like to be treated.

Being in the military on Submarines was definitely a challenge and a success. I have never been broken down to my core and then some and I’ve managed to be able to stack myself back up in a fashion of my choosing. I knew that once I got through the military I’d be able to do almost anything.

(My coming out story) isn’t sappy or happy. I’m adopted, and my family is split in half by both political parties, and my brother was an ex white supremacists. Including him, everyone in that family loved me unconditionally and for that I was very lucky, my parents literally chose me and my siblings and took them in as blood. Telling them wasn’t very difficult but I know that’s different for many people. My mother did cry, they were however more in favor of me NOT being it only because they knew how cruel the world would be to me, but little did they know that they gave me an amazing set of tools that I use and beliefs that I use to this very day.

I could talk for days (about the queer scene in San Francisco)! It’s been very upsetting and awesome at the same time. The bay area is very enticing to all different types of queer people and it’s supposed to be a safe place. My friends I’ve met here have been nothing short of amazing and welcoming as we are all from different parts of the world and share our experiences. But, I’m comfortable with my friends but often feel I can’t be that comfortable in San Francisco. I tell everyone that there are two sides to this place and you can access them based on how you decide to interact with others, whether it be online medias (apps and such) or exploring the social activities whether it be work, school etc, you can also make your judgments based on those two sides if you please. I’m not going to say that dating or meeting people for me has been hard here, but I’m constantly reminded in a lot of situations and settings that I am not a type that many guys come out here to seek, even for friendship. This is shown not only by the slew of apps and Facebook communities, but by the interactions I’ve had at bars and social gatherings, and I’m still shocked by each and every one of them. Being racially ambiguous (I’m mixed Scandinavian and African American), and being adopted and raised by white people, I don’t have a set distinct or definitive culture and I think that scares a lot of people but I think it also invites others who are like me.

Ultimately SF has proven to have tons of welcoming people but also an onslaught of toxic and often racist people and interactions which have proven to be unhealthy. I do not hate these people but I know what is good for me and my development and where to assert my energy and love.

(Advice to my younger self) Love and get to know your siblings more and also cool it on the empanadas and cafe con leche.”

Morgan and Fabien, Paris, France

photo by Kevin Truong

Fabien, in his own French words: “Pour moi être gay n’est pas une différence. Lorsque je sors de chez moi, je ne me sens pas différent des gens que je croise.

Etre gay par contre m’a toujours imposé de faire plus d’efforts, par crainte d’être rejeté ou rabaissé, j’en ai toujours fait plus que les autres. J’ai toujours voulu être parfait aux yeux de ma famille, de mes amis et dans mon travail. J’ai probablement fait passé mon bonheur après celui de ceux qui m’entourent. La vie m’a malheureusement montrée que ce n’était probablement pas la meilleur technique. J’espère avoir appris de mes erreurs.

La communauté gay se retrouve principalement dans le Marais. C’est n’est pas un mode de vie à mes yeux, mais plutôt un lieu de vie. On s’y retrouve, on s’y sent bien. La population peut être superficielle, parfois même provocatrice, mais c’est un lieu dans lequel nous n’avons plus à subir de contraintes ou d’appréhensions et la vie y est très agréable. Quand on est en couple, le Marais peut même devenir un véritable ring… mais avec un peu d’intelligence et de bons amis, on dépasse facilement certaines épreuves.

Mon coming out s’est fait progressivement, d’abord les amis et certains proches… et puis un jour, par amour, j’ai voulu que mon ami participe à nos repas de famille comme le faisait toute les amies de mes grands frères. C’était un moment difficile, j’avais terriblement peur de décevoir mes parents, et pourtant j’en garde un très bon souvenir. Les personnes que j’aime m’acceptent sans problème et c’est tout ce qui compte.”

In English:

“For me to be gay is not a difference. When I leave home, I do not feel different from the people I meet.

Being gay, however, has always forced me to do more, for fear of being rejected or belittled, I have always done more than others. I have always wanted to be perfect in the eyes of my family, my friends and in my work. I have probably passed my happiness after that of those around me. Life unfortunately showed me that it was probably not the best technique. I hope I learned from my mistakes.

The gay community is found mainly in the Marais. It’s not a way of life for me, but rather a place to live. We meet there, we feel good. The population can be superficial, sometimes even provocative, but it is a place in which we no longer have to endure constraints or apprehensions and life is very pleasant. When you are in a relationship, the Marais can even become a real ring … but with a little intelligence and good friends, you can easily overcome certain challenges.

My coming out was done gradually, first friends and relatives … and then one day, for love, I wanted my friend to participate in our family meals as did all the friends of my older brothers. It was a difficult time, I was terribly afraid to disappoint my parents, and yet I have a very good memory. The people I love accept me without any problem and that’s all that matters. “

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Tag Archives: gay

Steven, Shop Girl, San Francisco

Jonathan, Student, San Francisco

Morgan and Fabien, Paris, France