Ron and Ben, Counselor and Guest Services, Vancouver, B.C.

photo by Kevin Truong

Ron, in his own words: “Being able to be who I am with complete honesty is freedom. Being able to love someone because I simply love that person is the greatest joy I have ever experienced. The journey mostly has been a good one. Since I have been quite attracted to both men and women, I’ve lived an interesting life and been in love with both men and women.

However, nothing ever quite was like meeting Ben. Before Ben I had fallen deeply in love with a woman, and I was married to her for almost 17 years, most of those years were happy. The greatest joy was having two beautiful, talented and creative sons, Nick and Nate who both have good and satisfying lives living and working in New York City. Thus I also have two beautiful grandchildren! Sadly, the marriage ended when my wife’s mental illness could not be accepted by her.

I dated some other wonderful and beautiful women for a few years. Then while working in Washington, DC I happened upon this younger man who wanted to go to dinner. His kindness, caring got to me and we dated for six months. Sadly it ended but we both ended up happy later. He said when he departed, “Ron, you will meet someone soon, he will be good to you and you to him.” Not long after, I was at Northeastern University in Boston in the dining room. There I noticed a beautiful and quite stunning Asian man glancing toward me. After we both glanced, we had lunch together, then he asked for a date. I returned to Boston where he and many members of his family were there. We went together! They all liked me. That was in July of 1997.

Sixteen years later, from Portland, Maine to Orlando FL, to our beautiful heaven in Vancouver, British Columbia , Ben and I have loved each other and respected one another every day. Every time I look at his face, the joy inside my heart almost makes me weep. Never to fade!

Too, My sons, grandchildren, friends all embrace Ben. They love him. Likewise I am so lucky that his family loves me very much and we are so close. They are my family, too. Our home is one of peace and love. We are a team!

Initially because I held many public and high profile jobs (Police Chief, School Administrator and now therapist/counsellor) many folks had much to say to me and sadly some behind my back when I fell in love with another man 16 years earlier. The state of gays in the world has changed a great deal from those days; now gay folks are accepted and few make a big deal about gay people in 2013. I was glad to be in the early days. I tell people, I would have fallen in love with Ben whether he had been a man or a woman. His qualities of giving of himself, his humility, core values, kindness and respect for all that lives are huge points of attraction. Being good looking is nice, but that fades for everyone. We all grow old. I am happy that Ben’s enduring qualities will never fade.

Moving to Vancouver was the best decision we could have made, suggested by his sister, Sungya, who had visited here. Every day has been a joy! Our gay friends we met when we first moved here are still are close friends. Vancouver’s gay population is well accepted. There are still those who hate, but overall, being gay here has not
been a big deal for many years. Gay men and women have straight friends, they live in houses and condos throughout the Metro area. There is a gay village, called Davie. It’s funky.

Where we live, New Westminster, has been turning into a sought after community (known as highly supportive to gays) for gay singles and couples. The community reminds me of communities I lived in as a kid in Maine. To sum, Ben said it best when we arrived here in July, 2005. “I finally feel so secure and happy.” Since then Ben and I both became dual citizens of our own birth country and Canada.

I am happy with who I am. During the Winter of my life, it really feels like Spring. It feels right.

This project and the stories that are told are good , supportive tools to help any gay man who is thinking about coming out. We live very short lives. The hope for all of us is to start living that life in a creative, meaningful way that is filled with comfortable love. Being honest, loving yourself and coming to terms with who you are signals the right time to sing to the world about who you are. Sing in quiet melody, shout a song to the mountains – your choice. But sing. When your soul says you are ready.”

Ben, in his own words: “I think I have always liked men from when I was little. I thought that I was the only one in this world having these kind of feelings. It’s liked having a big secret and I didn’t dare to share it to anyone. First feelings came when I was young and at summer camp in Singapore. I did not know
though what those feelings were.

I later had a boyfriend in Bangkok when I attended the university there. We did everything there, even opening a clothing store at an upscale mall. Sadly, we grew apart. I was sad and decided to move to the United States.

Soon I was off to graduate school in Boston. There I met many interesting men but none like Ron. I adored him from when I met him. So did my family.When I graduated with a Masters degree, I moved to Portland, Maine to be with Ron and his family. We lived in an ocean-side townhouse near a college. It was beautiful. I was so happy. Ron always had a committed plan and he was always kind to me. I worked as a math teacher at the high school where Ron was an administrator.

Soon we moved to Orlando with dreams of moving to beautiful Vancouver. Vancouver never disappointed. It is the most beautiful place with many friendly people. The moment we arrived, we had so many friends! Many of those friends are our friends today.

Ron and I were never much for clubbing or going out. We always enjoy each other company. He is my everything…my partner…my best friend and my soul. I think we complete each other!

Advice? Be true to who you are – only you can decide the road to your own happiness and joy. You control your destiny. You have that gift, that freedom.”

Andrew, Graphic Designer, Los Angeles, California

photo by Kevin Truong

Andrew, in his own words: “One thing that I regret is completely blowing an opportunity to come out to my grandmother, despite the fact that she totally opened the door for me to do so. When I was about 15 years old she took me to a restaurant in Portland known for its original mid century modern interior. She took me there because she knew I wanted to study architecture and because she had been friends with the architect who designed it. I recall her saying something to the effect of, “You know, (so-and-so) was a really nice man and a very talented architect. I think you could make really wonderful things just like he did. He was also gay. People are born that way and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. Just look at what he was able to do.” I sort of panicked and nodded my head and said nothing. She must have sensed that I wasn’t ready to talk about it, so she smiled and we moved on to something else. It’s only looking back on that conversation now that I realize how fortunate I was to have a grandparent in the 90s who was both accepting of gay people and forthright with their opinions on homosexuality. Didn’t seem like much at the time, but I guess it was.

She died while I was living abroad in college and I wasn’t able to attend the funeral, which was rough. And I know there’s not much to be done, but I wish I could tell her that I was pretty alright with being gay fairly early on because of a conversation that she and I never really had to begin with. The little story about her friend the architect was, I guess, all I needed to hear.”

Alexander, Photographer, Lima, Peru

photo by Kevin Truong

Alexander, in his own words: “(Being gay means) Estar a favor de la diversidad y de la libertad de ser quien uno quiere ser, sin necesidad de encajar o cumplir ciertos patrones. No solo es la atracción física que uno siente hacia a otro varón, sino que abarca las mismas necesidades que todas las personas tienen: Amar y ser amado.

Me siento bastante feliz de tener familiares y amigos que me apoyan, me quieren, eso me da fuerzas para no tener miedo. Pero el mundo no está compuesto solo por esas personas y te das cuenta que afuera hay mucha gente mala, que odia, que no entiende y en muchos casos agrede y mata. Podría mencionar eso como un reto, no debería serlo, pero esa es la situación. En más de una ocasión me han hecho sentir mucho miedo y odiar el hecho de ser gay, he tenido experiencias desagradables de homofobia y otros tipos de discriminación. Cuando he estado con chicos me ha costado expresar mi amor hacia ellos con libertad en las calles, debido al maldito miedo de ser agredido.

Pero no todo es oscuridad. Por otro lado, ha sido genial conocer muchos chicos gays, lesbianas, transexuales a través de los años. Cuando ingresé a la universidad todo cambió, conocí mucha gente, todos diversos en todos los aspectos. Eso abrió mi mente y la de ellos, era una retroalimentación. Fue así que junto a amigos impulsamos un grupo LGTB en la universidad donde estudiábamos, nos volvimos más activistas o al menos es lo que intentamos. Ahora el grupo sigue en pie y ha crecido increíblemente. Yo ya no milito, me he metido de lleno a la fotografía y proyectos personales, quizás pueda sonar egoísta pero a veces a las justas tengo tiempo para lo que estoy haciendo. Pero me hace feliz saber que muchas cosas han cambiado en la universidad desde entonces y en la sociedad en general. Siento que ahora se toca más los temas LGTB, siento que hay más visibilidad pero de hecho hay mucho aún por hacer.

(The gay community in Lima is) Pequeña, con mucho ímpetu pero que puede resultar compleja. Hay muchas ganas por parte de muchas personas y movimientos de generar cambios. Y últimamente más por parte de jóvenes, chicos que se emocionan y se convencen como todos de que tenemos que ser generadores de cambios. Pero somos una sociedad bastante diversa, llena de diferencias que a la larga crea más diferencias entre toda esta gente y los grupos terminan disolviéndose, algunos chicos prefieren alejarse y luchar de una forma más silenciosa, lo cual puede ser criticado por otros y ello genera más fastidio y al final puede terminar siendo un gran lío.

Es algo que yo particularmente he observado. También a veces hay lucha de protagonismo e intereses personales y siento que esos pequeños detalles pueden terminar desviando la lucha por la que todos nos unimos, que es el de generar una mejor sociedad, sin discriminación y con igualdad de derechos para todos.

Creo que he salido del clóset más de una vez porque al inicio trataba de ocultarlo, temía, trataba de aparentar. Pero ahora que de alguna forma vivo con más libertad, ya no siento necesidad de hacerlo. Si me conoces, lo intuyes o conversando lo llegas a saber. Antes me daba terror llegar a la pregunta: “¿Y tienes novia?”. Ahora simplemente puedo hablar con ligereza de que me gustan los chicos y listo. No siento la necesidad de preparar a las personas o prepararme para anunciarlo.

Pero hubo un tiempo en que ello era distinto. En todo caso, la salida de clóset que considero importante fue la de casa.

El primero en saberlo fue mi primo mayor que es como mi hermano, lo supo abruptamente porque me vio con un chico. Se enojó, no me habló un tiempo pero luego de procesarlo, se calmó y me ofreció todo su apoyo. Creció conmigo y asumo que al igual que mis padres esperaba que yo fuera heterosexual.

Mi madre lloró mucho, se sentía confundida pero luego de semanas se calmó y las cosas para hoy han mejorado increíblemente, somos mucho más cercanos e incluso en la medida que puede me apoya en la lucha. La quiero demasiado y ella a mí, es una gran madre y mejor amiga.

Mi hermana menor simplemente me dijo “¿Tanto nerviosismo para eso? Ya lo sabía, todo bien, vamos a compartir más gustos ahora”. Me sorprendió, fue quien lo tomó de mejor manera.

Mi padre quizás es el que no lo ha tomado tan bien, lloraba mucho, se sentía culpable. Nunca reaccionó tan mal, me ofreció su apoyo, nunca lo ha dejado de hacer pero trata de no tocar el tema de mi homosexualidad. Y me apena porque ese aspecto es importante también en mi vida. Quisiera y espero que algún día él pueda verme con un chico y ser feliz como en ese momento lo podría ser yo.

El resto de familiares y amigos lo han llegado a saber por mis publicaciones en Facebook, diálogos cuando hay reuniones familiares, entre otras mil formas. Ya no me causa miedo, preocupación o frustración.

No están solos, solo deben observar mejor. Aprendan constantemente, equivóquense, vivan, luchen. No tengan miedo. Sean libres. Es un consejo que también me lo doy a mi mismo siempre.”

In English:

“(Being gay means) being in favor of diversity and freedom to be who you want to be without needing to fit or meet certain standards. It’s not just the physical attraction one feels for another man, but rather covers the same needs that all people have: to love and be loved.

I feel quite happy to have family and friends who support me, love me, and that gives me strength to be fearless. But the world is not made up of only those people and you realize that many bad people out there have hate, and do not understand and many are often assaulted and killed. I could mention that as a challenge, it should not be, but that’s the situation. On more than one occasion I have felt much fear and hate for being gay, I have had unpleasant experiences of homophobia and other discrimination. When I’ve been with guys I don’t express my love for them freely in the streets, because of the fear of being attacked.

But not all is dark. On the other hand, it has been great to meet a lot of gay guys, lesbians, transsexuals through the years. When I entered college, everything changed, I met many people, all different in all aspects. That opened my mind and theirs. With friends we created a LGBT group at the university where we studied, and we became more activists or at least we tried. Now the group is still standing and has grown incredibly. I have fully embraced photography and personal projects, it could sound selfish but sometimes I have just the time for what I’m doing. But it makes me happy to know that many things have changed since then in college and in society in general. I feel like I played more LGBT issues, I feel that there is more visibility but in fact there is much still to do.

The gay community in Lima is small, but with much momentum and can be complex. There really is a desire by many people and movements to create change. And lately more young guys get excited and convinced that there has to be changes. But we are a very diverse society, full of differences that ultimately create more differences between these people and groups end up dissolving, some guys prefer to go away and fight in a quieter way, which can be criticized by others and this creates more nuisance and in the end it may end up being a big mess.

I’ve also noticed something else. Sometimes there is a struggle for leadership and personal interests and I feel that those little details can end up diverting from the reason that we come together, which is to create a better society, without discrimination and with equal rights for all.

I think I came out of the closet more than once since in the beginning I tried to hide it . But now that some live more freely, I feel no need to do so. If you know me, you get the sense by talking and you get to know. Before I was terrified to get to the question, “Do you have a girlfriend?”. Now I can just speak lightly of the guys I like and go. I do not feel the need to prepare people or ready myself to announce it.

But there was a time when it was different. In any case, the coming out that I consider important was at home.

The first to know was my older cousin who is like my brother, he knew abruptly because he saw me with a guy. He was angry, he did not tell me a while to process it but then calmed down and offered his support. He grew up with me and I take that as my parents expected me to be heterosexual.

My mother cried a lot, felt confused, but calmed down after weeks and things have improved incredibly. Today, we are much closer and even to the extent that she can support me in the fight. I love her too much and she to me, is a great mother and best friend.

My younger sister just said “So much excitement for that? I knew, all right, we’ll share more interests now. “I was surprised, she was the one who took it best.

My father is the one who perhaps has not taken it so well, he cried a lot, he felt guilty. He never reacted so badly, he offered his support, he has never failed to support me but tries not to touch the subject of my homosexuality. And I am sorry that this aspect is also important in my life. I wish and hope that one day he can see me with a guy and be happy as as I am.

Other relatives and friends have come to know through my Facebook posts, dialogues when family gatherings, among a thousand other ways. It no longer causes fear, worry or frustration.

(Advice I’d give my younger self) You are not alone, only observe better. Constantly learn, equivóquense, live, fight. Do not be afraid. They are free. It is advice that I would also give myself forever.”