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Joel, Student, Buenos Aires, Argentina

photo by Kevin Truong

Joel, in his own words: “(Being gay means) Para mi significa algo más físico que mental, de hecho es parte de mi vida. Ser gay lo somos todos, lo único que cambia es el concepto que le da esta palabra para otras personas. Todos sentimos lo mismo hacia alguna persona que queremos, amamos, deseamos, etc. De hecho puedo decir que ser gay es parte de mi vida, nacía siéndolo y moriré siéndolo, eso no cambia al lado de alguien que ama a su prójimo.

(With regards to challenges) Creo que de hecho aceptar mi sexualidad, a su vez entender que es normal que me atraiga los chicos. Para empezar yo sé que desde niño ya tenía atracciones a personas cercanas, como algún primo donde nos besamos o el vecino de mi barrio, pero las bloqueaba por un tema de la sociedad peruana (de donde provengo) y la religión evangélica que estaba tan presenta en mi casa. Fue duro pasar la etapa adolescente creyendo que si era una confusión hasta que me enamoré de un chico y realmente me di cuenta que soy gay, que tenía verdaderos sentimientos de pasarla con él, de pensar en romances y lo que toda persona siente alguna vez.

Quizá lo otro fue “salir del clóset”, ya que mi familia siempre lo sospechó desde pequeño, para mi fue fácil y muy decidido se los dije, no me importaba si tenía que “perder” el cariño de ellos, al final de cuenta es mi vida y no tienen porque entrometerse en lo que siento. Pero lo divertido de esto, es que siento que todo los problemas familiares que tuve al salir del clóset o con los amigos son los mismos problemas que puede tener un heterosexual, travesti, bisexual, etcétera… es parte de la vida, todos tenemos los mismas anécdotas, solo cambiamos el género.

Mi historia repito es la misma la de un heterosexual, travesti, bisexual, transexual, etcétera. Para mí el compartir mi historia con otras personas de distinto sexo/género hace que tenga un lazo de amistad. Ya que siempre me pasa que tengo anécdotas que contar y la otra persona le pasa lo mismo, reímos y compartimos consejos al respecto. Todos aprendemos a convivir con la sociedad por más dura y homofóbica pueda ser, para mi ser gay es casi ya tener un título de valentía. Ponerte la camiseta, tener correa (como se dice en Perú ante las burlas) y sudarla es parte del día a día. De hecho mucha gente no sabe que soy gay porque luzco como alguien “normal” pero cuando converso no guardo etiquetas ni mi preferencia sexual hacia otros, de hecho aprendí a hacerlo sin tener miedo a las reacciones de otros… porque para mi es normal y si “no lo es” discuto un poco el tema con todo el respeto posible.

Buenos Aires me ha enseñado muchas cosas respecto al sentimiento de formar y querer ser parte de la comunidad, de hecho cuando vivía en Perú aún no sentía parte de esa comunidad por más que lo decía de boca para afuera con mis amigos, ya que existe aún mucha discriminación (ya sea social o racial) dentro de los homosexuales y sobretodo más con los transexuales, travestis, queers. Esto me parece espantoso y mucho por cual trabajar.

Buenos Aires tiene una historia consolidada respecto a los derechos humanos con los gays, temas tan evolucionados desde el DNI para personas transexuales hasta la Unión Civil. Estoy contento con lo que se ha logrado y quiero ser parte de ello, de hecho quisiera ser parte del organismo y propagar actividades en las calles respecto al arte, es una manera muy factible de llegar a las personas que aún no comprenden nuestra comunidad.

Además sobretodo llevar estas actividades a mi país de origen: Perú, ya que se sigue luchando por los derechos. Una frase que me gustó de Carlos Jauregui, fundador de la CHA (Comunidad Homosexual de Argentina), es: “En una sociedad que nos educa para la vergüenza, el orgullo es una respuesta política.”

(Advice I’d give my younger self) El primer consejo que me di cuando tenía 12 años fue quererme, de hecho siempre tuve miedo a que la gente no me quería, tenía miedo al rechazo y es algo que aún no supero cuando conozco a alguien que me interesa. Un par de consejos actuales es 1. pasa más tiempo con tu familia y 2. que me daría como gay es que pueda amar a otro gay, que enamorarme no me es imposible, que en mi cabeza deje de pensar tanto y pueda decir al chico que me guste: hola.”

In English:

“For me (being gay) means more something physical than mental, in fact it is part of my life. All that changes with being gay is the concept that gives the word to others. We all feel the same way about anyone we want, love, desire, etc. In fact I can say that being gay is part of my life, so to die and be born with it, that does not change next to someone who loves his neighbor.

I think in fact accepting my sexuality, (was a challenge) in turn understanding that it is normal that I am attracted to guys. For starters, I know that as a child I had attractions to nearby people, like some primo where we kissed or a neighbor in my neighborhood, but I was blocked by Peruvian society (where I come from) and evangelical religion that was so present in my house. It was hard to pass the adolescent stage, thinking I was confused, until I fell for a guy and I really realized that I’m gay, I had real feelings of the moment with him, thinking about romances and what everyone feels sometimes.

Perhaps another (challenge) was “coming out” as my family always suspected since childhood, for me it was easy and I was very determined I told you, I did not care if I had to “lose” the love of them, at the end of the day it is my life and it should not have to intrude on what I feel. But the funny thing is that I feel that all my family problems I had coming out to them or with friends are the same problems that may have a straight person may have, or shemale, bisexual, etc …it is part of life, we all have the same anecdotes, only a change gender.

My history repeats itself with that of a heterosexual, transvestite, bisexual, transgender, and so on. For me to share my story with other people of different sex / gender helps create a bond of friendship. As always happens to me I have stories to tell and the other person feels the same, laughs and shares advice. We all learn to live with the society, as hard and homophobic as it may be, for me being gay already means having a degree of courage. Wearing the shirt, having the belt (as they say in Peru before teasing) and sweating it is part of everyday life. In fact many people do not know I’m gay because I look like someone “normal” but when I talk I do not hide labels or my sexual preference to others, in fact I learned to do without fear of the reactions of others … because for me it is normal and if “it is not” discuss the issue with all possible respect.

Buenos Aires has taught me many things about the feeling of being and wanting to be part of the community, in fact when I lived in Peru I still did not feel part of this community, as there is still much discrimination (either social or racial) within the gay and especially more with transsexuals, transvestites, queers. This seems frightening and much work needs to be done.

Buenos Aires has an established community regarding human rights to gay history topics, as evolved from the DNI for transgender people to the Civil Union. I’m happy with what has been achieved and I want to be part of it, in fact I wanted to be part of the body and spreading activities on the streets about art, it is very feasible to reach people who do not yet understand our community way.

Moreover, especially these activities in my country: Peru, as they are still fighting for rights. A phrase I liked about Carlos Jauregui, founder of the CHA (Homosexual Community of Argentina), is: “In a society that teaches us to shame, pride is a political response.”

The first advice I (would give my younger self) is to love myself, in fact I was always afraid that people did not want me, I was afraid of rejection and it is something that did not leave when I met someone who interests me. A pair of current advice is 1. spend more time with your family and 2. that you can love another gay, that to fall in love is not impossible and that in my head to stop thinking so much and if I like a boy I can say: hello.”

Mitsuhiro, Purchasing Superviser, Vancouver B.C., Canada

photo by Kevin Truong

Mitsuhiro, in his own words: “For a long time, being gay meant obstacles, fear, depression and hatred, and even now this is something I sometimes have to face. I also can say being gay means moments of joy, love, affection, excitement and peace, when I am with someone who I love, or I am surrounded with friends who accept me just as who I am.

Having said that, being gay is simply one element of me. I used to think being gay gave me an extra obstacle in my life, so I thought my life was more difficult than others’, but apparently not. Being gay doesn’t define me completely, it is only a part of me, but it is a part that completes me and gives me strength to live my life. All the negativity I heard and felt were obstacles once, but I always figured out how to deal with it. To help me do that, I was lucky enough to have people to help me.

In other words, being gay brought me understanding friends who have gone through similar experiences and accepted me just as a person. Sharing experiences and getting advice helped me to be the person who I wanted to be. All their support helped me lay my foundation, and I am still building myself.

Being gay gives me more freedom to explore the world and encounter people from all around. I have met people in difference circumstances and some people were very inspiring. I believe that there is no coincidence, that all encounters and incidents have meaning. This is probably the greatest upside of being gay.

Now there is so much happening all over the world: People are finally gaining equal rights in the US. “Marriage Equality” and “Equal Rights” are great terms and are the right way to think about these issues. I hope Pride Day one day becomes about celebrating all people just for who they are, where I can be proud of myself as being gay because I’m proud of myself as a human being. That is my goal.

My first relationship lasted about 6 years, including three years of long distance. We were young. One day everything was so delightful, but the next day everything became dramatic. Once he went abroad to work, three years of long distance changed everything. I don’t remember how I managed my emotions for three years, but sad to say I failed to maintain the relationship. I tried to reach out to him, but he didn’t respond, so I gave in. To be honest, I gave up on him.

After a while, I met someone and we were in a relationship for 2 years. That was my second and last relationship so far. I actually liked myself in this relationship because I learned and grew a lot. I was so dramatic, very emotional and more self-centred before, but I somehow figured out what should be like loving someone. I guess I learned how to put myself in someone else’s shoes. He moved away to pursue his career and he tried to keep a long distance relationship, which I never would have expected. I appreciated these efforts, but it didn’t last long and we ultimately broke up. I chose to never see him again, but he brought two very important people into my life, so now I am looking forward to seeing him again one day to say, “Thank you”.

I fell in love with someone after being single for many years. That was the first time I fell in love at first sight. I thought it was just a crush, but it wasn’t. Unfortunately it was only felt in one direction. I don’t want to disclose more details, but I wanted to mention him because he became important to me by helping me realize that I still have the power to love, and teaching me happiness can be found in any circumstances. (It’s actually tough to think that way sometimes, but I’m trying my best. Haha!)

I am still looking for my soulmate. Knock knock! Are you out there? lol

I don’t really know what the gay community is like (in Vancouver) now. The older I get, the less I go out. I gradually stopped being in the “scene” so much.

I bet it has been changed since I was in my 20’s. It is more diverse since the internet become more popular and social networking system revolutionized the gay community, including Vancouver. I can’t deny that it changes my social circle as well.

This isn’t really a comment on the gay community here, it’s more that I never really laid roots here. I’m still trying to figure out how to fit in, not just in the gay community, but in society in general. I realize not that fitting in is not about the place, but is about figuring out who you are and having confidence in yourself. With these things, you will be fine no matter where you are (although there are still places where it is not safe to be out).

(Coming out) This was the toughest thing in my life.

To come out to myself.

I knew I was different but I didn’t know I was gay. It was hidden in a dark room for a long time until I moved to Canada at the age of 25. I met a Canadian guy who wanted to learn Japanese and I wanted to learn English. We started as language exchange partners at the beginning and became friends.

One day I was invited over to his place and to watch some movies. In the middle of the movie, he kissed me and we ended up making out. I didn’t mind; it was rather nice indeed. And that was how I came out to myself. It did, however, take a long time to accept myself because society, my community, and my circle of friends didn’t allow me to do so. Most likely, I was scared of not knowing where coming out was going to lead. My idea of being gay was something unacceptable, discriminated and hated.

It took me a half a year to start going out to gay clubs and bars. I had no gay friends except the Canadian guy, so it was a big relief to meet other gay guys, especially Japanese gay guys. It made me feel better to know that I was not alone.

To come out to my best friends.

My best friend came from Japan to visit me in Vancouver in 1996. He actually came here to ask my opinion about his relationships with two girls (very bad lol). He was with one girl for a long time but it was a long-distance relationship, while he met another girl at his work and was considering marrying her. I kind of knew that he didn’t come here to ask my opinion, he basically needed me to affirm his decision.

The last day before he left for Japan, I felt I needed to tell him about myself. He came all the way here to share a big life decision. Yes, I need to tell him! Oh my god, words didn’t come out of my mouth for 5 to 6 hours and all I told him was unimportant bullshit. He must have been so suspicious. Finally I confessed to him, and there was a silence for a while, maybe only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. Then he broke the silence and said “It’s okay. You are the same person I’ve known for a long time and it won’t change a bit.” He also mentioned that things I said before make sense to him. What did I say? I didn’t remember at all.

I told him not tell anyone, but he couldn’t keep it in himself and told another friend of ours, and I was glad he did. Knowing the fact that they accepted me as a person, and nothing changed a bit, gave me so much relief. We are still best friends although we rarely see each other.

To come out to my family.

After while, I came out to my sister. She is only a year younger than I am, so we basically grew up just like twins. She wanted everything I had and wanted to play with me and my friends, but I hated it so much. So we fought a lot when we were kids. I think I was a very mean brother to her. The older we became, the relationship got better, especially after I moved to Canada, and we started talking more.
Anyway, she was surprisingly cool about it. I guess I was more shocked than she was.

I was picked on sometimes when I was a kid. Bullying is not something new; kids can be very cruel. Some called me “jellyfish,” “queer” or “sissy boy.” It is funny that they already sensed that I was “queer” long before I found out about myself.

My sister and I grew up with a stern father, and he often lost his temper when my sister and I started fights. He wanted me to be strong. He put me in a baseball team and a martial arts club. Feeling afraid of my father, I was a boy trying to get my parents’ approval and make them proud. My parents ran a bar at night, so my grandma raised my sister and me. At 12 we moved to a new house a little farther from the bar, so we sometimes didn’t see each other for a week even though we lived under the same roof. The lack of communication with my parents affected my relationship with my family.

When I reached 15, I stopped being a good son. My grades dropped and I barely graduated from high school so I couldn’t attend the university I wanted. I could have gone to some other universities. After 2 years studying for the university entrance exams, I didn’t feel right with what I was doing, so I quit. I was lost for 2 years; I lost all my confidence and my motivation in Japan. I was looking for a way out. Then I found the way, it was “coming to Canada.” Some people said I was refusal to face reality, but for me it was facing reality.

I suppose a part of me always knew my sexual orientation. When I look back, I believe that I needed to leave everything behind so I could free myself. After I left Japan, I was so relieved and I didn’t miss home much. I felt more delightful being away from my family rather than missing them.

In a few weeks, it will be 20 years anniversary since I moved to Canada.
I came here to find who I am and now, ironically, I feel like going back to my origin. I was debating whether it was better for my parents know about me or not. If they would suffer from knowing that I am gay, maybe I should just shut my mouth and spare them. But I am starting to think they have a right to know about me. When I think about it, I feel it would be a pity that they would leave this world without knowing anything about me. I will probably never understand what being a parent is like, but as I get older, I understand a bit what they think about children.

I recently learned that my mom has colorectal cancer and it spread to her liver. My dad also had a surgery for his cancer in 2012.
It is time… my real coming out story is “coming out” soon, I hope.

(Advice I’d give to my younger self)

“Remember you had heard ‘Welcome’ when you were born.”
**from a song called “誕生”(Tan-jo which means ‘Birth’) by 中島みゆき (Miyuki Nakajima, a Japanese Singer)