Etre amoureux ou le couple est un challenge de tous les jours, il y a des périodes plus ou moins difficiles. J’avais une grande appréhension a m’affirmer en tant que gay plus jeune car je n’avais personne à présenter à ma famille et à mes amis, alors je préférais ne pas parler de ma vie privée aux autres.

Mes parents sont les premiers à qui j’ai avoué mon homosexualité. J’étais un jeune adulte et venait de rencontrer mon futur mari. Ils ont répondu qu’ils étaient contents pour moi et qu’ils m’aimaient, la réaction parfaite. Ensuite, pour mes frères et sœurs leur réaction n’a pas été négative non plus. C’était plutôt “Et alors ? On s’en fiche, c’est ta vie ! Et on t’aime ! ». Au fond pour moi la seule difficulté était la réaction que je pensais qu’ils auraient pu avoir. Mais je sais que j’ai eu beaucoup de chance, j’ai des copains pour qui “le coming out” a été un véritable drame et que leurs parents les ont rejetés. Moi, heureusement, j’ai échappé à ça parce que j’ai une famille intelligente et aimante.

La vie gay a Phnom Penh est assez facile, les cambodgiens sont bouddhistes et tolérants. La notion de « gay » n’existe pas au Cambodge. On désigne seulement dans le bouddhisme les gens qui sont nés dans « un mauvais corps » et qui veulent en changer, qu’ils soient garçons ou filles. Par ailleurs, les relations sexuelles sont très libres ici et on peut avoir des relations entre hommes ou femmes sans que cela ne choque grand monde. Par contre l’institution du mariage reste un pilier et on doit se marier. En revanche, dans la plus part des cas, on ne choisit pas son mari ou sa femme, c’est pour ça que les relations extra conjugales sont monnaie courante aussi bien hétérosexuel qu’homosexuel.

Being in love or a couple is a challenge every day, there are more or less difficult times. I had a great apprehension asserting myself as gay when I was younger because I had no one to present to my family and to my friends, so I preferred not to talk about my private life to others.

My parents are the first to whom I confessed my homosexuality. I was a young adult and had just met my future husband. They said they were happy for me and they loved me, the perfect reaction. Then, to my brothers and sisters their reaction was not negative either. It was rather “So what? Who cares, it’s your life! And we love you! “. Basically for me the only difficulty was the reaction that I thought they might have. But I know I’ve been very lucky, I have friends for whom “coming out” was a real tragedy and their parents have rejected them. I, fortunately escaped it because I have an intelligent and loving family.

Gay life in Phnom Penh is easy enough, Cambodians are Buddhists and tolerant. The notion of “gay” does not exist in Cambodia. Only designates in Buddhism people who are born in “the wrong body” and want to change, whether boys or girls. Furthermore, sexual relations are very free here and we can have relationships between men and women without this offending many people.

J’ai eu globalement beaucoup de chance de ne pas subir l’homophobie dans mon entourage immédiat, si ce n’est pour des questions religieuses dont je reviendrai plus loin.

C’est une histoire compliquée qui a coïncidée avec mon divorce (j’étais marié avec une femme et j’ai deux enfants) quand j’avais trente ans. J’ai grandi dans une famille Témoins de Jéhovah, une secte chrétienne apocalyptique qui ne laisse aucune place aux amours de même sexe qui sont considérés comme une « abomination » dans la Bible… (« les hommes qui couchent avec des hommes méritent la mort »). Avant mon mariage avec mon ex-femme, je n’avais jamais eu de relation avec des hommes. En divorçant, j’ai également quitté la secte des Témoins de Jéhovah et mes parents ont découvert mon homosexualité à cette période-là . Ca a été un grand choc pour toute la famille mais davantage parce que j’ai quitté la secte que pour mon homosexualité. J’ai ensuite subi l’ostracisme et l’exclusion de tout mon cercle amical et familial composé uniquement de Témoins de Jéhovah et ai beaucoup souffert de cette situation. L’amour familial a permis au fil des ans d’effacer tout ça et j’ai aujourd’hui des relations apaisées avec mes parents qui m’aiment pour ce que je suis, qui apprécient mon mari Thibaud et qui sont ravis d’avoir une petite fille d’origine cambodgienne que nous avons adopté avec Thibaud en 2013.

Il faut différencier la communauté gay expat de celle des cambodgiens et les expats sont les mêmes ici que dans la plupart des pays occidentaux. Coté cambodgien en revanche, il n’existe pas vraiment de « communauté gay » si ce n’est un cercle très fermé. Rares sont les gays qui s’assument en tant que tels, la plupart vivant leur homosexualité de façon cachée. C’est étrange car ils ne subissent aucune pression d’origine religieuse et il existe une grande tolérance dans ce pays pour les amours de même sexe. La pression familiale et sociétale et le « qu’en dira-t-on » sont néanmoins suffisamment puissants pour que les gays aient du mal à s’assumer vraiment.

I was overall very lucky not to suffer homophobia in my immediate surroundings, if not for religious issues which I will return to later.

It’s a complicated story that coincided with my divorce (I was married to a woman and have two children) when I was thirty. I grew up in a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a Christian apocalyptic sect that leaves no room for same-sex love affairs that are considered an “abomination” in the Bible … ( “men who sleep with men deserve to die” ). Before I married my ex-wife, I had never had a relationship with men.

Divorcing, I also left the sect of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and my parents discovered my homosexuality at that time. It was a big shock for the family but more because I left the sect than my homosexuality. I then suffered ostracism and exclusion of all my friends, family consisting only of Jehovah’s Witnesses and have suffered a lot from this. The family love has over the years to erased it all and I now have peaceful relations with my parents who love me for what I am, who appreciate my husband Thibaud and are delighted to have a daughter of Cambodian origin that we have adopted with Thibaud in 2013.

We must differentiate the gay community of expat to that of Cambodian and expats are the same here as in most Western countries. In the Cambodian side however, there is no real “gay community” if it is a closed circle. Few gays who assume as such, most living their homosexuality in a hidden way. It’s strange because they do not undergo any pressure of religious origin and there is a great tolerance in this country for same-sex love. Family and societal pressure and the “what will people say” are still powerful enough that gays have struggled to take really.

Me siento bastante feliz de tener familiares y amigos que me apoyan, me quieren, eso me da fuerzas para no tener miedo. Pero el mundo no está compuesto solo por esas personas y te das cuenta que afuera hay mucha gente mala, que odia, que no entiende y en muchos casos agrede y mata. Podría mencionar eso como un reto, no debería serlo, pero esa es la situación. En más de una ocasión me han hecho sentir mucho miedo y odiar el hecho de ser gay, he tenido experiencias desagradables de homofobia y otros tipos de discriminación. Cuando he estado con chicos me ha costado expresar mi amor hacia ellos con libertad en las calles, debido al maldito miedo de ser agredido.

Pero no todo es oscuridad. Por otro lado, ha sido genial conocer muchos chicos gays, lesbianas, transexuales a través de los años. Cuando ingresé a la universidad todo cambió, conocí mucha gente, todos diversos en todos los aspectos. Eso abrió mi mente y la de ellos, era una retroalimentación. Fue así que junto a amigos impulsamos un grupo LGTB en la universidad donde estudiábamos, nos volvimos más activistas o al menos es lo que intentamos. Ahora el grupo sigue en pie y ha crecido increíblemente. Yo ya no milito, me he metido de lleno a la fotografía y proyectos personales, quizás pueda sonar egoísta pero a veces a las justas tengo tiempo para lo que estoy haciendo. Pero me hace feliz saber que muchas cosas han cambiado en la universidad desde entonces y en la sociedad en general. Siento que ahora se toca más los temas LGTB, siento que hay más visibilidad pero de hecho hay mucho aún por hacer.

(The gay community in Lima is) Pequeña, con mucho ímpetu pero que puede resultar compleja. Hay muchas ganas por parte de muchas personas y movimientos de generar cambios. Y últimamente más por parte de jóvenes, chicos que se emocionan y se convencen como todos de que tenemos que ser generadores de cambios. Pero somos una sociedad bastante diversa, llena de diferencias que a la larga crea más diferencias entre toda esta gente y los grupos terminan disolviéndose, algunos chicos prefieren alejarse y luchar de una forma más silenciosa, lo cual puede ser criticado por otros y ello genera más fastidio y al final puede terminar siendo un gran lío.

Es algo que yo particularmente he observado. También a veces hay lucha de protagonismo e intereses personales y siento que esos pequeños detalles pueden terminar desviando la lucha por la que todos nos unimos, que es el de generar una mejor sociedad, sin discriminación y con igualdad de derechos para todos.

Creo que he salido del clóset más de una vez porque al inicio trataba de ocultarlo, temía, trataba de aparentar. Pero ahora que de alguna forma vivo con más libertad, ya no siento necesidad de hacerlo. Si me conoces, lo intuyes o conversando lo llegas a saber. Antes me daba terror llegar a la pregunta: “¿Y tienes novia?”. Ahora simplemente puedo hablar con ligereza de que me gustan los chicos y listo. No siento la necesidad de preparar a las personas o prepararme para anunciarlo.

Pero hubo un tiempo en que ello era distinto. En todo caso, la salida de clóset que considero importante fue la de casa.

El primero en saberlo fue mi primo mayor que es como mi hermano, lo supo abruptamente porque me vio con un chico. Se enojó, no me habló un tiempo pero luego de procesarlo, se calmó y me ofreció todo su apoyo. Creció conmigo y asumo que al igual que mis padres esperaba que yo fuera heterosexual.

Mi madre lloró mucho, se sentía confundida pero luego de semanas se calmó y las cosas para hoy han mejorado increíblemente, somos mucho más cercanos e incluso en la medida que puede me apoya en la lucha. La quiero demasiado y ella a mí, es una gran madre y mejor amiga.

Mi hermana menor simplemente me dijo “¿Tanto nerviosismo para eso? Ya lo sabía, todo bien, vamos a compartir más gustos ahora”. Me sorprendió, fue quien lo tomó de mejor manera.

Mi padre quizás es el que no lo ha tomado tan bien, lloraba mucho, se sentía culpable. Nunca reaccionó tan mal, me ofreció su apoyo, nunca lo ha dejado de hacer pero trata de no tocar el tema de mi homosexualidad. Y me apena porque ese aspecto es importante también en mi vida. Quisiera y espero que algún día él pueda verme con un chico y ser feliz como en ese momento lo podría ser yo.

El resto de familiares y amigos lo han llegado a saber por mis publicaciones en Facebook, diálogos cuando hay reuniones familiares, entre otras mil formas. Ya no me causa miedo, preocupación o frustración.

I feel quite happy to have family and friends who support me, love me, and that gives me strength to be fearless. But the world is not made up ​​of only those people and you realize that many bad people out there have hate, and do not understand and many are often assaulted and killed. I could mention that as a challenge, it should not be, but that’s the situation. On more than one occasion I have felt much fear and hate for being gay, I have had unpleasant experiences of homophobia and other discrimination. When I’ve been with guys I don’t express my love for them freely in the streets, because of the fear of being attacked.

But not all is dark. On the other hand, it has been great to meet a lot of gay guys, lesbians, transsexuals through the years. When I entered college, everything changed, I met many people, all different in all aspects. That opened my mind and theirs. With friends we created a LGBT group at the university where we studied, and we became more activists or at least we tried. Now the group is still standing and has grown incredibly. I have fully embraced photography and personal projects, it could sound selfish but sometimes I have just the time for what I’m doing. But it makes me happy to know that many things have changed since then in college and in society in general. I feel like I played more LGBT issues, I feel that there is more visibility but in fact there is much still to do.

The gay community in Lima is small, but with much momentum and can be complex. There really is a desire by many people and movements to create change. And lately more young guys get excited and convinced that there has to be changes. But we are a very diverse society, full of differences that ultimately create more differences between these people and groups end up dissolving, some guys prefer to go away and fight in a quieter way, which can be criticized by others and this creates more nuisance and in the end it may end up being a big mess.

I’ve also noticed something else. Sometimes there is a struggle for leadership and personal interests and I feel that those little details can end up diverting from the reason that we come together, which is to create a better society, without discrimination and with equal rights for all.

I think I came out of the closet more than once since in the beginning I tried to hide it . But now that some live more freely, I feel no need to do so. If you know me, you get the sense by talking and you get to know. Before I was terrified to get to the question, “Do you have a girlfriend?”. Now I can just speak lightly of the guys I like and go. I do not feel the need to prepare people or ready myself to announce it.

But there was a time when it was different. In any case, the coming out that I consider important was at home.

The first to know was my older cousin who is like my brother, he knew abruptly because he saw me with a guy. He was angry, he did not tell me a while to process it but then calmed down and offered his support. He grew up with me and I take that as my parents expected me to be heterosexual.

My mother cried a lot, felt confused, but calmed down after weeks and things have improved incredibly. Today, we are much closer and even to the extent that she can support me in the fight. I love her too much and she to me, is a great mother and best friend.

My younger sister just said “So much excitement for that? I knew, all right, we’ll share more interests now. “I was surprised, she was the one who took it best.

My father is the one who perhaps has not taken it so well, he cried a lot, he felt guilty. He never reacted so badly, he offered his support, he has never failed to support me but tries not to touch the subject of my homosexuality. And I am sorry that this aspect is also important in my life. I wish and hope that one day he can see me with a guy and be happy as as I am.

Other relatives and friends have come to know through my Facebook posts, dialogues when family gatherings, among a thousand other ways. It no longer causes fear, worry or frustration.

The first challenge was to live in a happy couple, since I didn’t imagine myself remaining single. But living with someone proved not to be simple. I was not always prone to compromise, to change ideas or to accept my wrongs. Yet there we are, Maxime and I, happily together for nearly 45 years, glad to share everything that is essential to both of us, and to plan our future life.

Another challenge was to be successful in my professional life, and I was, thanks to personal endeavours but also to chance to a certain extent.

The third challenge, or was it just a wish, was to be surrounded by a web of close friends and sincere relationships. With the help of Maxime, it has been a success.

I never said bluntly “I am gay” to my parents, but they knew Maxime and understood how close to each other we were, so when I told them that we were going to live together, things were clear. At first, my father said he was concerned about the honourability of our family, but I knew that both he and my mother would never reject their son. Later, when after some years our couple turned out to be stable and happy, they showed their affection to both of us and my father supported our marriage quite willingly (my mother had unfortunately died in the 80’s). My sister and my brother-in-law were at first reluctant to accept homosexuality, but they soon overcame their reserve and have always been in very good terms with both of us. Their son has known Maxime since he was born and never questioned our relationship or our sexual orientation. Recently, during a family lunch, when he was about 10 y.o., one of his sons asked if Maxime and I were a couple, and when I answered yes, he said “then you are in love with each other ?”, and I said yes again, but he added “but isn’t that bizarre, two men together ?”. I told him that it wasn’t, the best proof being that nobody cared. He seemed satisfied, and never changed his attitude toward us.

In my professional life, I decided, without being necessarily explicit with everybody, not to conceal my private life. I think it gave me more strength to remain true to myself and proved to be the best attitude.

To my friends I decided to be completely open, and if I lost some (but none I cared most for) because I did, I decided not to have any regret.

We don’t know if Brussels is the liveliest place in Europe, but there are enough opportunities to meet people, enough cultural and sports activities for gays with all tastes, as well as bars, sauna’s or more. Some friends from abroad find people here less sophisticated than in big cities like Paris, but we can’t really judge. Belgian citizens are fairly open and being gay is widely accepted. Yet it might be a problem being gay in a very few neighbourhoods with a majority of migrants, especially Muslims. But there are certainly conservative Christian or Jewish circles where being gay is a real problem too.

Of course we are lucky to live in a society where that is possible. I always think it’s so sad when we meet young people who can’t live freely, have a relationship or simply have sex because of the stupidity of the world around them.

Being gay was a tremendous opening on the world. You realize that being different can be OK and you yourself will think twice before judging other people. Practically, it gave me and my lover/now husband a life so much richer with friends from all colours and cultures. At 69, soon 70, I don’t regret a minute of my gay life. I must say I shared that life with someone I have loved for 45 years and whom I still love more every day. Some people say that love becomes affection when you get older. Maybe, but the love part hasn’t disappeared as far as I’m concerned.

I’d say the main challenge has been to build a happy relationship with Henri day after day, which is probably not always easy, although I sometimes think we were meant and programmed to go through life together. Even our differences and our errors have taught us so much. Where would be the fun if we were completely alike with no flaws ?

Another challenge in my life was of course my profession but that’s not the subject. I did a job I liked and I was well paid for it. I even had the luxury to work with people from all over Europe which was another source of enrichment.

What was important too was not to live centred on ourselves and to try to add our little stone to the temple of humanity ; we don’t belong to a particular religion, but we strongly believe that it is important to have values and to fight for them at every possible level. The French motto « Liberty, Equality, Fraternity » is an ideal that should at least be striven for even if we know it will never be attained. And of course we ourselves have always shown concern about that ideal applied to gays all over the world.

I must have felt I was gay around 14 or 15, that means at the end of the fifties and at the beginning of the sixties. Things were not so easy at that time. Homosexuality was still condemned by law in most European countries. Moreover my parents were no intellectuals and were not prepared to have a gay son. Although I myself accepted the fact quite easily -maybe I had no morals- I didn’t come out at school or at the university. At least I never pretended to have girlfriends. With the exception of two minor episodes when I was still in college, my sexual life started at the university but with boys I met in bars not in the class rooms. My stays abroad, especially in Holland and in Germany (I recommend Munich), to improve my language knowledge were also an excellent opportunity to let off steam.

As soon as I started working with people who on the whole were quite liberal, I became more and more open and came out to my parents very quickly after I met Henri. That was in 1970. I brought him for lunch to my father and mother (separately since they were divorced) without making great speeches. It probably didn’t take them long to understand. Luckily neither Henri nor me come from very religious families. And after let’s say three or four years we were more and more considered as a part of the family. Since then, nobody whether it be family or colleagues would ever have thought to invite one of us without the other. The whole world around us knew we were a couple and treated us as such. Maybe some people didn’t approve but we live in a world of political correctness be it in Belgium or at our workplace and nobody would have dared to express a direct disapproval.