(first published in 2014): “February 6, 2014 was a special day. I met Kevin Truong at the corner of Sixth Avenue and 42 Street in New York City to be photographed. Participating in the Gay Men Project and being photographed in the theatre district of the Big Apple are important to me. I live in Philadelphia, but my life as a gay man began in Times Square thirty-four years ago.
I am sixty-eight now, and on my thirty-fourth birthday I stood in line on 47th Street for two-for-one tickets for a Broadway play. A girl friend met me there. She brought a birthday cake, and people in line sang “Happy Birthday” as she lit the candle. After the show we went to “Uncle Charlie’s,” a gay bar in the Village. She asked if I was gay. Well, six months later in Philadelphia I had my first sexual experience with a man. His name was Jimmy, a great guy and still a friend. When he embraced to kiss me, I remember thinking, “This is what it’s like.”
All of the years before that first sexual experience I was afraid to admit that I was attracted to men. The fear drove me crazy. But admitting that fact to myself was a first step to being a better man. No need to describe the years which followed in any great detail. My life is much like thousands of others who lived through the eighties and beyond. Close friendships were established, boyfriends came and went, and many, many died. But the man who mattered most in my life, my partner and best friend for twenty-three years, made me a “mensch.” In Yiddish, the word simple means to be a real human being. Our life seemed perfect for the first eight years. Of course, that was on the surface. We had the house in Philly, friends, jobs, supportive parents, and each other. But like any other couple, we had hard times, bad moments, frustrations, disappointments; and over our heads hung the fear of AIDS. In 1990 we decided to be tested. I tested negative, and Jon, my partner, was positive. His results came back on the eve of my forty-fifth birthday. He had planned a special birthday for me: a weekend in New York, two Broadway plays, a nice dinner, a romantic evening together. That never happened, but the next sixteen years did. How Jon became positive never mattered. How to live did. The years were tough, but he was the Energizer Bunny. He kept going and going. Jon was my life partner no matter what happened, and many things did. He died in 2006, and like the moment he received the phone call to tell him he was HIV positive, I was there to hold him and love him when he died.
Today, almost eights years later, it’s hard to believe that we could be legally married if he were alive. Unfortunately not in Philadelphia, but that too will happen. Life is good; people are wonderful; and the advice I have for a younger gay man: confront your fears, go after your dream, and be a “mensch.”
“Being gay means everything and nothing to me. My sexuality is important to me but doesn’t define me. I am a man who just so happens to like other men and it’s not that big of a deal.
My biggest challenge and success has been moving across the country by myself. Leaving my parents was hard, mostly for my father, but I had to for my own well being and growth. The City and State I was raised in became a hole of depression but the last three years spent in Oregon have been the best thing that’s happened. Every day I am creating a beautiful life.
(The gay community in Portland) has it’s pros and cons, and I appreciate it all the more because I was raised in a much smaller gay community. I’m happy to have the opportunity to freely connect with other gay men but it can be lonely.
It took me until college to come to labeling myself as homosexual. On the day before Father’s Day, at the age of eighteen, I came out to my parents. My father cried and my mother laughed. They both grew to understand and support my homosexuality like they had in all other aspects of my life.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without everything happening the way that it did. Any advice I could give (to my younger self) probably wouldn’t have been appreciated. I wish I would have started therapy sooner though.”
“Puedo decir que ser gay es ser quien soy, ya que para mi la sexualidad atraviesa toda la vida de los individuos. Ser gay también es ser político, ya que la visibilización de mi orientación sexual es la mejor herramienta para cambiar la sociedad en la que vivo para que ésta sea mas plural, progresista, justa e igualitaria.
Creo que uno de los desafíos mas grande que tuve en mi vida fue darme cuenta que no podía cambiar mi orientación sexual y que entablar una relación con una mujer no iba a ayudar a borrar mi deseo por los hombres. Otro desafío también fue aceptar que puedo llegar a formar una familia con una persona de mi mismo sexo y ser feliz.
Tenía 18 años y hacía unos meses me había mudado a Buenos Aires desde el sur de Argentina, Santa Cruz. Toda mi infancia y adolescencia se desarrollo en una ciudad pequeña con “alma” de pueblo, cuya sociedad conservadora hacia del “que dirán” un evento social.
Vivir solo, tener nuevas experiencias, conocer otra gente y ser anónimo me ayudaron a descubrir quien realmente era. Un día conocí a un chico que me demostró que el amor entre hombres era posible. El tiempo paso y construimos una relación, pero por el contrario me sumergió a un mundo de mentiras y ocultamiento para con mis amigos y mi familia, el conocido “closet” o “armario”. Mi relación se circunscribía a las 4 paredes de mi casa, fuera de ella yo era un hombre heterosexual.
El tiempo paso, la relación se afianzo y de a poco empece a introducir a mi pareja en mis charlas con mi madre, era un “amigo” que cada día mas tenía mas protagonismo. Todas las historias y las aventuras nos tenía como protagonistas a ambos y de a poco mis señales despertaron la curiosidad y la pregunta del lado de mi madre: ¿A quien extrañas tanto? ¿Tomás es tu novio?. El tiempo se detuvo y el silencio fue eterno. De mi lado solo había lagrimas y tal vez el peso de la responsabilidad de tener una familia y ser hijo único.
Puedo decir que con mi madre pasamos muchas etapas: miles de preguntas, preguntas retóricas de su parte, culpas y llegamos de a poco llegamos a la aceptación plena.
Para concluir les dejo una frase que me dijo mi madre: “Uno como padre siempre intenta aliviar el sufrimiento de los hijos y lo que mas me duele es que, al vos tener una orientación sexual distinta a la de la mayoría, hay muchas situaciones en la sociedad que yo no voy a poder evitar.
La comunidad LGBT en Buenos Aires es ejemplificadora para Latino América y para el resto del mundo. En los últimos 10 años y gracias a la organización y la militancia de muchos y muchas que le pusieron el cuerpo a la lucha se consiguieron dos leyes fundamentales para nuestro colectivo: la Ley de Matrimonio Igualitario y la Ley de Identidad de Género. A su vez esta comunidad es diversa en su diversidad: existen como en toda sociedad quienes luchan por conseguir y reivindicar derechos y quienes tan solo los disfrutan. Lo bueno es que cada vez mas gente se une al primer grupo.”
In English:
“I can say that being gay is being who I am, because for my sex life spans my individual life. Being gay is also being political, as the visibility of my sexual orientation is the best tool to change the society in which I live for it to be more plural, progressive, just and egalitarian.
I think one of the biggest challenges I had in my life was realizing that I could not change my sexual orientation and that establishing a relationship with a woman would not help erase my desire for men. Another challenge was also to accept that I get to start a family with a same sex couple and be happy.
I was 18 and a few months I had moved out to Buenos Aires from a southern Argentina province, Santa Cruz. My entire childhood and adolescence was development in a small city with village “soul”, whose conservative society made news out of “gossip”.
Living alone, having new experiences, meet new people and being anonymous helped me discover who I really was. One day I met a guy who showed me that love between men was possible. Time passed and we built a relationship, but instead I plunged into a world of lies and concealment for my friends and my family, the famous “closet”. My relationship was limited to the four walls of my house, outside I was a heterosexual man.
Time passed, the relationship was strengthened and slowly I started to introduce my partner in my talks with my mother, he was a “friend” who every day got more prominence. All stories and adventures starring had us both and slowly my signs aroused curiosity and questions from my mother’s side: Who do you miss so much? Is Thomas your boyfriend ?. Time stopped and silence was eternal. From my side there were only tears and perhaps the weight of the responsibility of building a family and being an only child.
I can say that my mother passed many stages: thousands of questions, rhetorical questions, she blamed herself and slowly got to full acceptance.
In conclude I would like to repeat a phrase my mother told me: “Parents always try to avoid the suffering of their children and what really hurts me is that as you have a sexual orientation different from straights, there are many situations that I will not be able to avoid from society.
The LGBT community in Buenos Aires is exemplifying for Latin America and the rest of the world. In the last 10 years and thanked to the organization and advocacy of many and many who place their body to fight two fundamental laws for our movement were achieved: Equal Marriage and the Gender Identity Law. In turn, this community is diverse in its diversity: as in every society there are two groups: one who struggle for rights and the other that just enjoy them. The good news is that more and more people are joining the first group.”
