Author Archives: thegaymenproject

About thegaymenproject

The Gay Men Project is a photo project by New York based photographer Kevin Truong. Truong received his BFA in from photography from the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, NY, and has been the recipient of numerous awards, and his photo credits include the New York Times.

Justin, Computer Science Student, Philadelphia

photo by Kevin Truong

Justin, in his own words: “Being gay, at least in my way of thinking, is just another label, one of many that I have. Everyone has different labels that make them up. But actually being gay means that I have different qualities than the norm. It makes me abnormal and unique, and I couldn’t see myself without that label unless I wanted to pretend to be someone I’m not. But who would want to do that? Everyone has amazing qualities that make up the individual, and for me, being gay is just one of them.

One of my biggest challenges in being gay is trying to fit in to what the society (mostly my parents) want me to be. Over the years, my parents have grown to understand who I am in regards to my sexual identity, so I am very proud of them. Trying to fit in to a hetero-normative society is not a simple feat for anyone that is not heterosexual. Myself being a gay black male, I have had many troubles trying to be accepted. Now that I am completely out, I have a very supporting family and group of friends.

Speaking of coming out, that would be one of my greatest accomplishments in regards to being gay. I remember the person I ever “came out” to, and I didn’t officially come out to him. My pre-calculus teacher during my sophomore year of high school helped me figure out what it means to be gay and different and how to turn my struggles into compliments. He himself is gay as well, and to this day, we are great friends. He has helped me tremendously with my sexual identity. Whenever I have a question about anything that has to do with the gay world, the first person I contact is always him. I later decided to come out to my brother and parents, and in January 2014, I took a big leap of faith and came out on Facebook. Once I did that, I felt like I was free. It was completely liberating to do that, and the positive feedback from my friends and family made it all worthwhile.

I would conclude that my coming out story is one of the happier ones. I have heard some horrific ones in my years, and yes, it is very heartbreaking to hear some of them. It is unfortunate that not everyone can have a good coming out story, but the struggles that we go through help shape us into better individuals, so in concept, having a not-so-good coming out story teaches you more valuable lessons in a sense.

The gay community is Philadelphia is, for the most part, very welcoming and friendly. The place for the average gay Joe to hang out with fellow LGTB people would be the “gayborhood”. It is located in center city, and personally I call it one of my many homes. I have had so many fond memories there, and the bars and clubs there are great as well. I definitely recommend living in Philadelphia if you are looking for a safe place to live. However, just make sure the area your living in is gay-friendly because there are some places in Philadelphia that are not as friendly as center city.

If I could give my younger self any advice, it would be to always be yourself no matter how you think people around you will accept you. We tend to create a mindset that we have these certain “standards” to keep in order to truly be accepted and for people around us to like and love us, and if we don’t like up to these standards and steer away from them even slightly, we will lose everything. But know this — there will always be people out there that will accept you for who you truly are. I thought for sure that my parents would never accept me; I personally thought they were going to disown me. It took time, but they eventually realized that even though I am gay, I am still their son and care about them just as much as I did before I came out to them. Also, just because you are different doesn’t mean that you are “bad” and unfit for the world. I had this mindset up until 2013 when I arrived at college and met my best friend who also happens to be the first gay male I met that was my age. We are still great friends, and he and I plan to stay platonic friends even after college. Lastly, I would tell my younger self to take risks and just go for it. How will you know if the guy across the bar isn’t into you if you don’t go up to him and introduce yourself? And even if he isn’t, all that means is that there is a better guy out there for you; this took me a long time to realize. But now that I am not as scared to go up to people as I used to be, I have gained so much self-confidence in myself. It has been a wild ride, but I would not change any of it for the world.”

A Note from Craig in North Carolina…

“To say I was fortunate when coming out as gay would be an understatement. My friends supported me, my parents still loved me, and I never had to suffer any physical abuse and next to no verbal abuse from people I encountered. In a bible belt state that continues to be scrutinized for its backwards policies and in playing a sport that’s notorious for being rough and overtly masculine, I’m counting myself lucky. My uncle was told not to come home by his father, one of my boyfriends was “relieved” of duty and the benefits that he deserved — I’ve seen what intolerance can do to people I love and it blows me away to see how far we’ve come.

But telling friends and family I’m a bisexual member of the bear community and dating two wonderful older men that have been married for two years to each other? That hasn’t been the cake walk I’d previously experienced (for some obvious reasons). I met my boyfriends at a rugby tournament last summer right around the time that I had broken up with the most wonderful girl I’d ever had the pleasure of falling in love with. They started out as friends helping me through a really tough time but quickly became something more. None of us went into it hoping for a triad (a new term for me at the time), in fact one of my boyfriends and I actively tried to keep it from happening, but in the end we each fell in love with each other. It’s just tough to explain that to everyone else sometimes, for many reasons.

“Gay” and “straight” are just easier for most people to understand, you like one or the other. But “bi” raises all sorts of questions that sometimes confuses me just as much as the person asking them. Then people look at a triad and inevitably ask “Which one are you more attracted to?” or “How does that work?” I guess it’s just felt so natural to me every step of the way that it’s hard to explain to someone that it’s the same as any other relationship, there’s just three of us. We each love each other and take different sides in different arguments and do all the same things couples do. Sometimes the initial shock just keeps people from realizing that love is love no matter the situation. The feelings you have for your boyfriend or girlfriend? They’re the same that I feel for two people and it’s just that much more special because they feel it for each other too and I love to see them love each other.

You just have to remember that no matter what you come out as — be it sexually, politically, or religiously — it doesn’t change who the person in the mirror is. But it’ll probably change how much you can love that person for who they are.”

photo provided by Craig

Howard, Artist/Teacher/Dreamer, Philadelphia

photo by Kevin Truong

Howard, in his own words: “Being gay is about being different. It leads to a gradual process of accepting who you are, accepting that you are different, accepting that some people will hate you and even abandon you, and finally, for me, realizing that the process of self-acceptance gives me strength, opens my creativity and helps form the strength of my character. My coming-out story took 67 years.

Years of self-loathing and feeling less significant than others have only recently given way to feelings of pride and self-accomplishment. I do not want younger people to have to undergo this journey — today many younger people do not have to struggle as much — but there are still many who have to bear the weight of the burden culture and religion place on us.

Being gay has made me self-aware, and self-reliant, able to tap into my creative juices and only recently to feel okay about whom I am. Even 40 years ago, Philadelphia had wonderful resources for gay men and women. When I was first dealing with my sexual awareness I found a gay synagogue, gay support groups, the Advocate experience (a form of Zen popular in the 60’s,) gay counseling center, and simply being around other gay men to be of help, but the inner burden was always there, always heavy, despite several forms of self-help and therapy.

I didn’t want to be gay, didn’t want to be different and tried to hide it from myself and from others. I got married for the wrong reasons, had children whom I love but feel I let-down as a symbol of strength. I tried to follow the “normal” path until at 30 years of age decided to seek out who I really was. I found friends and dated many men while trying to find people who would make me feel whole, realizing on some level that the emptiness was inside me, but not knowing how to fill it. The life experiences that should have made me feel positive seemed to in vain — always wanting to “fit in” and yet feeling very much estranged by at people at work, neighbors and acquaintances who I coveted as friends.

My creativity felt like a burden, my interests seemed frivolous and uninteresting by my standards of what “real men” should be. Even as I met other gay men who shared some of these interests my self-esteem lacked true conviction. I looked, always, for self-acceptance through others. I searched for “love” that would make me complete, but I have never truly loved — myself, or someone else. Now, the need to find intimacy is no longer seen as a magic cure-all; I can find that strength inside.

Part of my recent level of comfort is the result of seeing the development my gay son’s now ten-year relationship and the adaptations they have made to accommodate each other. I am proud of his accomplishment. Yes, you can learn from your children. Those without children can learn from a younger generation that is more accepting.

I have semi-retired, live in the city, have developed a circle of supportive friends, and can say for the first time that I feel complete. I love my varied interests, love my time alone, and seek more friends, more experiences, and an even wider variety of interests. This is truly the first time in my life that I feel proud of myself, the first time in my life that I feel my differences are my strengths, the first time in my life I can say I truly feel inner-joy.

If I had it to do over again, and as advice for younger people – do not do as I did, find your inner voice. Live and work among other gay people, or in a community that is accepting. Fill your life with experiences, visit places you want to visit, do things you enjoy, indulge yourself without guilt, and do whatever it takes to love yourself first. Caution: this is easier said than done.”