Author Archives: thegaymenproject

About thegaymenproject

The Gay Men Project is a photo project by New York based photographer Kevin Truong. Truong received his BFA in from photography from the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, NY, and has been the recipient of numerous awards, and his photo credits include the New York Times.

Francisco, Writer, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Francisco, in his own words: “I don’t think being gay means you need to be political, but I do think it means you need to be brave. I believe that confidence—the way you daily conquer things—is an example and point of reference to friends, co-workers, lovers, friends, and kids that don’t otherwise have a resource to see that.

Junot Diaz has this great quote from a talk he gave in Jersey. “You guys know about vampires?” He asks. “You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? There’s this idea that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror. And what I’ve always thought isn’t that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror. It’s that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didn’t see myself reflected at all. I was like, ‘Yo, is something wrong with me? That the whole society seems to think that people like me don’t exist?’ And part of what inspired me, was this deep desire that before I died, I would make a couple of mirrors. That I would make some mirrors so that kids like me might seem themselves reflected back and might not feel so monstrous for it.”

Growing up in white bread Chicago suburbia, I felt like a vampire. I never saw gay parents, or dudes wearing short shorts, or action TV series with queer protagonists. The greatest challenge was, and still is, finding everyday gay heroes to learn from or aspire to. And so I guess I’ve made it my mantra as a writer and as a person to seek out those heroes and to create the reflections I never saw when I was 10, sitting in my room peeling through Greek Mythology books, praying that I’d find a gay romance, a dude rescuing a dude in distress, any fleck of something that proved to me that one day I could save the day or conquer something. I wanted the gay guy to pick up the sword, I guess.

The day I came out to my parents (I was 18?) I had packed a bag. I’d brought my escape kit to the Art Institute where I would spend the day and thereafter, run away forever and live in my boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s guest bedroom for as long as possible until I figured out where to go from there. And I mean, yeah, wow, I was a manic and dumb kid in high school. But I think part of what I was feeling was unprepared and ill-equipped. I had no weapon.

The year I moved to New York was the best year of my life, and so much of that has to do with the gay companionship I’ve found here and will continue to find here. I’ve built some pretty terrible relationships in my day and escaping those ghosts had everything to do with knowing new gay men who scarcely accept less than they deserve. I work for a gay magazine called Hello Mr. that creates this kinda ineffable bond between gay men. It’s been a commonplace for key friendships, and I guess put up those mirrors I’d been aching for as a kid—the reflections of everyday heroes I could one day know or love or become.

Kinda wish I could send a tweet from the future into the past saying “@fransquishco! You’re going to be okay! You have gay friends! Parts of your heart are growing back!” But I guess since I can’t do that, the next best thing is writing for kids like me, little reassurances and mirrors. Or at least that’s the goal.

And I’m still looking for gay friends! Be friends with me! I’m big on picnics and any place where they serve you coffee in a ceramic mug.”

Follow Francisco on Twitter, @fransquishco, and Instagram, fransquishco.

Ryan, Musician/Writer, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Ryan, in his own words: “I came out a little shy of a year ago. I’m 26 now. It took me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality. I knew that I was gay since I was a child but could never accept it. My upbringing in a traditional Samoan and Christian household instilled a lot of shame and self-hatred in me because I knew that ‘being gay’ was not acceptable. If anyone knew that I was gay, I would not be accepted.

I believed that if I hoped and worked hard enough and denied my sexuality that I could force myself to be straight–to be normal. I dated women and even got into serious relationships as a means of forcing myself straight. I fooled myself into believing I wanted a traditional life. I believed that if I could pretend long enough that this one little thing didn’t exist I’d be okay. I’d have a wedding, get a wife, and kids and I’d be happy. But inside I knew it wasn’t right. I knew that I was lying to everyone and most importantly myself.

As I grew older I realized more and more that there was nothing that could change who I was. No amount of prayer or work or denial could change the fact that I was supposed to be this way. I was born gay, there is a reason for it and I have to accept it as a part of my story. A year ago I decided to be brave and take the leap and I found my joy. I found the acceptance from friends and family that I thought I would be denied.

If I could communicate anything to my younger self I’d tell him that he is loved. He is fine just the way he is. There’s nothing to be afraid of. We are exactly who we are meant to be, we are perfect. Denying who we are is only denying us the happiness that we deserve.”

A Note from Harry, in London…

“We’ve always known” , “Well I could’ve told you that” and “Well DUH! What a surprise!” were just some of the reactions that I received when I finally decided to come out.

I grew up not far from London Gatwick airport, in a small village called Copthorne. It’s about 30-40 minutes drive away from Brighton (which later became my local watering hole, but enough on that for now). My mum and dad were together throughout my childhood and together, with my two brothers one older and one younger, we lived in a fairly decently sized family home. We were very privileged growing up so early childhood, from what I remember, was never something that was a struggle for me.

Apparently as a young child, I was extremely flamboyant. My mum regularly describes the same story to me and to most people who ask about me being gay.

“I remember Harry was outside playing with his best friend Hollie” (Who still to this day remains to be my soulmate….just not the right gender) “And my friend Jane was round the house for a cup of tea and chit chat. We were looking outside of the kitchen window, just keeping an eye on the two of them playing together and Jane turned to me and said, ‘If that boy isn’t gay, i’ll eat my hat’ ”

So it was always something that, I guess was, kind of…expected of me. Which sounds strange because it usually isn’t that way. More often than not it comes as surprise to some parents…but not me…it was almost like a birthright.

Like I’ve said, my childhood was relatively easy. I sailed through pre-school from years 1-6 carefree. Spending my time after school cutting the heads off of Barbie dolls and flushing their heads down the toilet with Hollie. A pastime that wasn’t the most favoured by her parents, but was entertaining none-the-less.

High school is where life became more of a challenge. I started high school in 2004, a round faced, plump child with long curly hair. I was not the most elegant of swans in the pond…let’s just put it that way. Anyways by then, I had realised I was different. I had grown up knowing deep inside that I liked boys, but as it is, I was terrified to admit it.

I was never bullied in high school, in fact I was probably one of the most outspoken people in our year group. Looking back now, it was probably because I had such a burning secret inside me tearing me apart, that I just projected it on to being loudmouthed and outspoken. But the only difficulty I had was trying to hide my true self. For readers of this blog who don’t understand what it is like to hide that, imagine you are a werewolf in full exposure of the moonlight and you’re fighting the inevitable urge to change into your inner beast. It’s tiring, soul destroying, scary and at times physically painful.

I’ve spent all of my life interested in the performing arts and it is my greatest passion in life. Throughout high-school I spent most of my life in and out of relationships with girls, trying to constantly perform to everyone that I was straight…that I was “normal”. But even this type of performance eventually became tiresome. Of course, people would constantly make comments about me “Of course Harry is gay” but my greatest comeback would always be “But i’ve had sex with girls, so I can’t be”. How ridiculous was I ?!

It was made easier by having people fighting your corner of course. I made friends there that I wish to be in contact with for the rest of my life, simply because their constant support towards me, no matter what I was claiming to be was never ending. And to this day, after coming out, it still has never been faulted. Hollie, Katie, Barny and Paul. I love you all.

Eventually I left high school and proceeded on to study at a college that was closer to Brighton for two years. By now I was 16/17, still a rather plump individual, but in my head I felt a little bit more free. I don’t know to this day what it was about that place that helped me, but something did. I decided to give up bread for lent one year. I’m not particularly religious, I just fancied the challenge. This sparked a huge change in my life, and I managed to drop a hell of a lot of weight extremely quickly and this in turn helped me hugely with my self-confidence. I think looking back now, this was a huge turning point in terms of getting the courage to come out. I was becoming more sexually attractive and was just gaining more and more self confidence with each pound of weight that dropped. Eventually when I came round to my second year of college and had turned 18, I started to go out clubbing and when you’re so close to Brighton, where else is there to go!? I started going out more and ,as i’m sure most people are aware, when an excessive amount of alcohol is in your system, the firm hold you think you have on your inhibitions becomes looser and looser with each shot of tequila until eventually, you’re topless in a gay bar with your tongue so far down a guys throat begging for air.

Now, once you have been spotted by a few of your friends making out with several guys on several occurrences, the old “I was so drunk, it was a dare, it was a bit of fun” excuses become tiresome and eventually something has to give. So i accepted defeat. I admitted it.

“YEAH….OKAY!!!! I’M BISEXUAL”

Like hell was I bisexual. I had tasted the forbidden fruit and it unlocked something inside me that had been longing to be unlocked since birth. But, I couldn’t let anyone known that. I pretended to be bisexual because I thought it was more socially acceptable. I was a fool.

Anyways I managed to keep this charade up until I finished college. I must have either been one hell of a fine actor, or I was completely delusional and was ludicrously unconvincing. Either way, in my head, It was a secret.

I left college to study at The University Of Winchester to study Contemporary Performance, which is were I am about to graduate from. Now this is where my life finally began.

I started university in September of 2011. A new person. I was slim, I was more confident and I could leave my past of lies and performing as someone I wasn’t… behind. A new start.

Everyone during freshers week would ask me “Are you gay?” and finally, finally I just said it. “Yeah…erm…Yeah I am”. I remember telling the truth for the first time. It was the most nerve-wracking, exhilarating, uplifting and heart-warming thing I have ever done. Finally, I had done it.

And do you know what? Nobody cared. Nobody batted an eyelid at me. Nobody looked at me differently….I was completely…well….normal. I had shed the old me, quite literally, and almost like a caterpillar emerging out of it’s cocoon, I had blossomed into the true butterfly version of me.

I was me. I was Harry Casella. The human version of Harry Casella. I was no longer performing, no longer acting, no longer being the actor. I was being human Harry.

Shortly after embracing human Harry, I met someone. Literally, shortly after, in October I met someone.

Someone who I happily would say, is the love of my life.

I’m 21 now. I know some people might think i’m young. But when you know. You know.

It’ll be three years November 18th 2014.

I love him.

And no words, no discrimination, nothing….absolutely nothing….will change the fact that I am in love with a man. That I became human Harry. That I am proud to be gay.”

Follow Harry on Twitter, @HarryCasella

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