I’ve had great success at finding a really amazing queer family, but within that I’ve learned to come to terms with the relative narrowness of my own experience and to respect other people more. I only know how to do me, but you know what? I love it. Tight jeans, big hair, and a mild obsession with Tonya Harding. The challenge I think is approaching this diverse community of queens and queers with enough compassion and respect to leave room for everyone to feel totally accepted.

Gay life in Portland is lively but small. I think after spending the last ten years here and being recently single, you realize how incestuous it can feel. For dating, that is. The community is fantastic. There are so many radical and wild people doing amazing performance art and throwing these really avant-garde parties and it’s mixed. Boys and girls. The lesbians and the gays in Portland get along really well and collaborate a lot. I think that’s rare to find in a lot of other cities and it lends itself to creating some really amazing artistic experiences.

When I was a little boy I was very effeminate. Before I even knew I was gay, people would call me a faggot and laugh at me and push me down. That stuck with me for a while and it made me feel ashamed to come out and really embrace myself. When I was a junior in high school though, I spent a year as an exchange student in Brazil. Being taken out of my own element like that really helped me grow. I came back thinking “You know what? Fuck this, I’m gay and I don’t care what you people think”. So I started coming out to people when I was 17. I told most of my family when I was 18, and they were all really cool about it. Actually I’ve never had a bad reaction to coming out to anyone, even as I continue to do so with new people I meet. Maybe part of that is living on the west coast, but people are always fine with it.

So far, I have been successful at being different from other (Korean) people and being somewhat independent. Koreans usually live with their parents and get allowance from their parents until they get married but I moved out in my early twenties. I know it doesn’t look like a big deal to a lot of westerners but here in Seoul – where being different is almost a sin – it was not so easy. Being independent is followed by responsibilities but I still try to keep my young and wild side as well as the sense of humour and the childlike quality. Challenges? Depression, anxiety and money!

I was out to my friends for a while and that happened naturally because most of my friends are very open minded Koreans who have experienced foreign cultures, artists, or non-Koreans. However, my mom was a Korean woman who have never really been outside Korea so I kept postponing coming out to her because I didn’t wanna deal with all the possible dramas that might have followed the coming out. One day, I just thought coming out to her would free me in many ways so I just did it. Though, I had to bring my gay best friend because I needed someone who would support me and encourage me, haha. I grew up with a lot of American TV series with my family so my mom was pretty open minded and there’s was no drama or anything. I’m lucky because a lot of Koreans struggle so much when they come out.

(With regards to the gay community in Seoul) There are two big categories. One is the category of people who are totally or somewhat out. They are usually also very open minded and well-experienced with foreign cultures. They usually hang out in Itaewon where the clubs are. The other is the category of people who are not out. They tend to be conservative and trapped in traditional/old values. They hang out with their tiny group of friends in Jongno where there are Korean style bars. I am supposed to understand and respect both people but I love clubbing so much so I don’t really know people from the latter category.

The biggest challenge I have ever faced for being gay was when the superintendent of schools where I worked tried to fire me on trumped up charges. It was very devastating to see the kind of bigotry expressed to me all hidden behind obvious lies. Fortunately I prevailed because no one was going to destroy my reputation as a top notch educator. My biggest success I think is an on-going story for it is the spiritual journey of coming to know my true self and trying to live life from that center and not from the false self of ego.

The gay community in Cleveland is like that, I think, in my mid-west cities. It is very diverse from those being very out to those being very closeted. I have felt a tremendous support for a great variety of gay organizations over the past 25 years since I came out including, but not limited to: The LGBT Community Services Center, the North Coast Men’s Chorus, the AIDS Task Force of Greater Cleveland, GLSEN Cleveland, inclusive churches of several denominations.

My coming out story is that it took a long time to acknowledge the person I am even though I knew I was different from the time I was 5. After two marriages to women and three children, I could no longer live pretending to be someone I was not. I was having difficulty with my children, with my work, with my wife at the time, and had to do something. After several months of very good therapy, I came out and have been grateful for the support I have had all along the way. Both of my wives and my children (all now adults) have been incredibly supportive.

One challenge I have had, is to fully and completely accept my gayness, Another was to deal with the guilt I felt about leaving my wife of 25 years, she is a wonderful person. I sometimes put myself down for being gay (sounds strange doesn’t it?) Successes are making many new friends, being less concerned about being myself, I was able to leave a toxic marriage.

Through my partner Rich, I have met many friends that are my age, and some younger ones. All of the men I have met are accepting, kind and generous.

I came out when I was 65. I had been living in the closet all my life. It caused me to hold myself back. Coming out finally removed a heavy burden from my back. I no longer had to pretend and hide. There is more to tell. I found love and acceptance that I never thought I could get.