Author Archives: thegaymenproject

About thegaymenproject

The Gay Men Project is a photo project by New York based photographer Kevin Truong. Truong received his BFA in from photography from the Pratt Institute in Brooklyn, NY, and has been the recipient of numerous awards, and his photo credits include the New York Times.

Lancelot, Poet, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Lancelot, in his own words: “When I was younger, I had these specific aversions to other’s masculine femininity, drag queens, and gay pride. I remember thinking as a young kid that I didn’t want to be seen as “gay” just as much as I didn’t want to be seen as “straight”. I didn’t want my gender or sexuality to be policed, monitored or critiqued in any way. However, I wore eyeliner and “girls” clothes for three out of four years of high school, and was attracted to men long before that. I was exploring sex with both guys and gals when I lost my virginity as a teenager. But then, it was just sex and I loved all different kinds of people. I partied a lot, painted, did a little writing, moved around every couple of years; I was aloof. I was overly susceptible to constantly living between two worlds or two states of being- my parents’ separate houses, sober and intoxicated, art and writing, awake and dreaming, and ultimately sexuality.

I think I came to understand the words “gay” and “queer” through performance media and my process of developing as an artist and poet. It probably wasn’t until I was living in New York and starting college that I realized how establishing and identifying myself with sexuality could inform my gender, create new aesthetic stakes in my art making, and invert the negative attitudes of people who thought what I desired was inherently flawed. I didn’t want to choose sides, but instead draw attention to my specific, gender duality and see where it landed me. I ultimately reached a deeper sense of compassion and understanding toward myself. I finally wanted to be someone who lived vivaciously and honestly, abrasively if it meant inciting others to be impassioned and stronger.

I took a class once where I had to do a drag performance on the spot. This really freaked me out. But when I took what I learned and filtered it through my own sensibility, there I stood in front of my class wearing nothing but a towel, my whole head masked in a thick layer of white, acrylic paint, dancing Butoh style under spotlight. I’ve never experienced anything so satisfying. After that, I think pushing sexuality and asking what it means in relation to gender, or being “queer”, is to be otherworldly…a strange monster . . . and I find that pretty cool.

I am constantly mediating crippling depression and anxiety. I would like to overcome this daily preoccupation with less paranoia about whether people might react negatively toward me; I already give myself a hard enough time. There were times I felt conflicted or embarrassed about my feelings toward some of my male friends, but they never judged me for it, and being honest always made bonds stronger. I got made fun of for how I dressed in school, even for keeping diaries, but that was pretty short-lived. With the assumption that many people experience self-hatred or violence against who they are, I consciously do not relate my sexual identity with doubt and shame. Sexuality is maybe the one part of my life that I love to celebrate. I am thankful for my own ability to not allow it to breed internal guilt so severe that I’m harmful to myself, or allow myself to be a victim.

“Coming Out” was not a proclamation for me. My sexuality progressed and developed naturally in various and unpredictable ways. Anyone who was in close proximity to me witnessed it happening and accepted what I was doing. On separate occasions, my parents discovered I was dating a guy when I was 16. I talked to them separately about my wonderful girlfriend freshman year of college, and then how another boyfriend took me out for my 21st birthday, and so on. My mother tends to worry and my father is skeptical, but regardless of how they really feel, I can now talk openly with them. I guess in some ways, I still haven’t “come out” to distant relatives but if they were to ever find an interest in my sex life, I would have no problem telling them about it. More importantly, my friends and family can see who/what I am through my actions and physical presence, allowing me the freedom and encouragement to say and do whatever I want. I still have a lot of breaking out to do; my image and energy are too internal for my new tastes.

I recently moved to Philly from Brooklyn. I heard that if you’re not gay here, you’re a minority and I thought that was funny.”

Pride in New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Simon, Montreal, Canada

photo by Kevin Truong

Simon, in his own words: “Être homosexuel, bon ou mauvais ou les deux ? Le plus difficile est de l’accepter pour soi-même. Après l’acception il reste à l’intégrer, une fois intégré on y trouve du bon, on grandit et on se dit qu’il y a pire que ça dans la vie !

Ça débute par faire le deuil de notre idéal de vie que l’on c’était imaginé dès le jeune âge, d’un modèle de famille qu’on croyait facilement réalisable. La frustration et la colère s’emparent de nous et nous fait regarder en l’air pour envoyer chier le bon dieu de nous imposer un tel défi. On voudrait négocier avec lui un cancer, voir même une amputation en remplacement de ce mal étrange et intense qui nous habite. On cherche à qui s’identifier dans ce nouvel univers d’hyper sexualisation auquel on n’a pas envie d’adhérer malgré la pression qui nous y pousse. On est confronté à nos propres préjugés, on se déconstruit pour retrouver une nouvelle identité, on tente de se trouver de nouveaux repères, non sans peur, angoisse ni vertige.

Puis on se dévoile au grand jour, on cesse de se mentir et de mentir aux autres, sauf à sa grand-mère trop vieille pour comprendre, on fait face aux préjugés, les nôtres et ceux des autres, on a peur d’aimer, de s’ouvrir, on se le reproche et on renvoie chier le bon dieu, on s’achète un pantalon trop serré et on le rapporte au magasin. L’ambiguïté s’installe entre ce qui est normal et malsain, on avance et on revient sur nos pas.

Et puis un jour on aperçoit la lumière au bout du tunnel, on respire une bonne bouffée d’air. On se regarde dans le miroir et enfin on aime assez ce qu’on y voit. On regarde derrière sans avoir envie d’y retourner. Finalement on se reconstruit dans une authenticité qui nous réjouit et on se rend compte qu’on ne le déteste pas tant que ça ce Christ. On prend conscience que ce détour obligatoire nous a fait voyager à travers nous-même, nous a permis de s’ouvrir aux autres, de s’ouvrir à la différence, on se sent entier et enfin libre. Alors on desserre les poings et on trouve que tout ça en valait la peine.”

In English:

“Being gay, is it good, bad, or both? The hardest part of being gay is accepting yourself. Once that’s done, you can integrate your sexuality into your daily life, you grow, and you realize that there are worst things in life than being gay!

As a child we have this ideal of what a family is, and we assume that we’ll easily attain that dream, but the realization that you’re gay turns that notion on its head – in the beginning. We lose ourselves to anger and frustration, cursing a god that would impose such a harsh life on us. We try to negotiate with him, maybe a cancer, or an amputation, anything to rid ourselves of these strange feelings that have taken hold. We search for someone to identify with in this new hyper-sexualized world, a world we want no part of, despite the pressure we feel to conform to it. We face our own prejudices, and in the process we deconstruct ourselves to find a new identity, and new support systems, without fear or anxiety.

Then the big day comes, we stop lying to ourselves and to everyone else, well, maybe not grandma, she’s too old to understand; we face prejudice, both our own and those of others, we’re afraid to love, or to open up, and we blame ourselves, and again, we curse god, we buy those skinny jeans that are much too tight, only to return them. Ambiguity settles in between what is right and wrong, we take one step forward and two steps back.

Then one day, we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we can finally breathe. Our reflection in the mirror is finally one that we can tolerate, more than that, we see someone that we finally like. We look back on the past without longing to return to it. Eventually we find happiness being our authentic self, and acknowledge that maybe we were a little hard on God earlier. We realize that this detour was necessary and forced us to examine ourselves, it let us open ourselves to others, it helped us to accept our differences, and we finally feel free. We can now let go of all that tension we held, and we find that it was all worth it.”