Monthly Archives: December 2018

Paul, Photographer, Lima, Peru

photo by Kevin Truong

Paul, in his own words: “What does being gay mean to you?

No estoy muy seguro de esto, ósea sé que soy gay porque es la palabra que define mi atracción por los chicos pero más allá de eso me identifico como un ser humano en busca de la igualdad para todos

Uno de los problemas con el que lidio continuamente es la desaprobación de la sociedad que me rodea, vivo en un país represivo y con miedo al cambio que prefiere repetir una historia mil veces antes que intentar hacer algo distinto.
Podría decir que el desafío más fuerte que tengo ahora mismo es conmigo.  He dejado que muchxs hagan la lucha por mí, lucha por mis derechos, lucha por mi reconocimiento como persona. El año pasado sufrí un ataque de homofobia, fui golpeado solo por defenderme de una burla por usar pantalones apretados, en su momento lo deje pasar pensé que era algo que tenía que suceder de todas maneras solo por mostrarme como quiero.  Luego me di cuenta que es el pensamiento más tonto que pude haber tenido ¿cómo pensar que ser golpeado es natural, solo por ser homosexual? Cuando vi lo absurdo que era creer esto, decidí hacer un cambio.  Ahora cada vez que puedo trato de ayudar en algo con esta lucha, cuando alguien suelta un comentario tonto sobre la homosexualidad o hace algún chiste sobre ello, trato de hacer que entienda que no es un tema que se puede tomar a la ligera, la homosexualidad es parte importante de alguien más.

La comunidad gay es muy diversa como todo grupo, hay gente que es más activista, gente que lucha solo cuando les afecta de manera personal y gente que no se identifica con la comunidad. Imagino que todo eso está bien ya es muy personal como uno decide compartir con los demás. Lo que si aún me parece mala onda es cuando algunos homosexuales dan la espalda a otros solo por no compartir un mismo status o por no tener un parecido físico a ellos sean marrones o blancos.   ¿Si todos en el fondo sabemos que somos lo mismo porque no ayudarnos?

Siempre he sabido que soy homosexual, hasta cuando no sabía que existía una palabra con la que me pueda definir, sabía que soy gay.  Desde niño las personas han asociado mi feminidad con mi orientación sexual, por lo tanto nunca tuve que salir oficialmente del closet, hasta los 16 que fue cuando termine el colegio y se lo dije a mi mama, por que sentí que era algo que necesitaba decirlo con todas sus palabras. Fue algo complicado porque ella ya me había preguntado sobre mis gustos cuando tenía 14, yo conteste de manera muy general sin una afirmación o una negación. Mi papa no toca mucho el tema por temor a decir algo que me incomode pero cada vez que yo tengo la oportunidad de compartir algo con él lo hago, porque quiero enseñarle que no tener miedo de lo que su hijo es. Igual aun a veces se me complica cuando tengo que aclarar mi orientación sexual con ciertas personas, sobre todo con las mayores porque están cerrados en una sola idea del homosexualismo, entonces hacerles comprender algo nuevo es medio difícil pero ahí voy, haciendo lo que está en mis manos para ayudar con la causa.

El consejo que me daría a mí mismo, es que no existe una manera correcta de hacer las cosas, solo tú puedes hacer que el camino que estas tomando sea el mejor para ti. Que disfrute el momento porque no todos los años tendrá 22 para hacer las cosas que solo puedes hacer a los 22.”

In English:

“What does being gay mean to you?

I’m not sure about this, I know I’m gay because it is the word that defines my attraction to guys, but beyond that I identify myself as a human being in search of equality for all.

One of the problems is continually feeling the disapproval of the society around me, I live in a repressive country that is afraid of change and prefers to repeat a story a thousand times rather than trying to do something different.

I would say that the strongest challenge I have right now is me. I let many thing make me fight, fight for my rights and my struggle for recognition as a person. Last year I suffered a bout of homophobia, I was beaten and mocked and made to defend myself simply for wearing tight pants, at the time I thought it was something that would have had to happen anyway. Then I realized that’s the dumbest thing I could have been thinking, why should I be beaten naturally, just for being gay? When I saw how absurd it was to believe this, I decided to make a change. Now whenever I can I try to help in this fight, when someone drops a silly comment about homosexuality or makes a joke about it, I try to understand that it is not an issue that can be taken lightly, homosexuality is an important part of somebody else.

The gay community (in Lima) is as diverse as any group, there are people who are more activist, people who struggle only when it affects them personally and people who do not identify with the community. I guess being gay is very personal and one can decide whether or not to share it with others. What I think is not cool is when some gay individuals criticize others just for not sharing the same status or not having a physical resemblance to them, for being brown or white. Everyone deep down knows we are the same.

I’ve always knew I was gay, even before I knew there was a word that could define me I knew that I was gay. Since childhood people have associated my femininity with my sexual orientation, so I never had to officially come out until around 16 when I finished school and I told my mom that I felt it was something I needed to say. It was tricky because she had asked me about my interests when I was 14, I answered very generally without an affirmation or denial. My dad does not play much with the issue for fear of saying something that bothers me but whenever I have the opportunity I share something with him about what I do, because I want to teach him not to be afraid of what his child is. Sometimes it troubles me when I have to clear my sexual orientation with certain people, especially the elderly because they are stuck on one idea of homosexuality. I hope to make them understand something new is kind of hard, but there I go doing what is in my hands to help with the cause.

The advice I would give myself is that there is no right way to do things, only you can make the path you’re taking, and decide what is best for you. Enjoy the moment because not everyone has 22 years to do things as you have had.”

Henri and Maxime, Brussels, Belgium

photo by Kevin Truong, Maxime (left) and Henri (righ)

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong, Maxime (right) and Henri (left)

Henri, in his own words:“To me, being gay doesn’t mean anything per se, except considering my sexual orientation : I have always seen myself as an ordinary person, a human being like millions of past, present and future others, with the same potential, the same basic personality. Yet I am aware of belonging to a minority, a fact that has its positive and its negative sides. The positive side is that I got more sensitive to racial prejudice and to any form of discrimination, and that I am strongly against labeling : nobody should be reduced to a formula. The negative side is the awareness of being obliged to justify our being gay, to defend ourselves against fear and hostility.

The first challenge was to live in a happy couple, since I didn’t imagine myself remaining single. But living with someone proved not to be simple. I was not always prone to compromise, to change ideas or to accept my wrongs. Yet there we are, Maxime and I, happily together for nearly 45 years, glad to share everything that is essential to both of us, and to plan our future life.

Another challenge was to be successful in my professional life, and I was, thanks to personal endeavours but also to chance to a certain extent.

The third challenge, or was it just a wish, was to be surrounded by a web of close friends and sincere relationships. With the help of Maxime, it has been a success.

I never said bluntly “I am gay” to my parents, but they knew Maxime and understood how close to each other we were, so when I told them that we were going to live together, things were clear. At first, my father said he was concerned about the honourability of our family, but I knew that both he and my mother would never reject their son. Later, when after some years our couple turned out to be stable and happy, they showed their affection to both of us and my father supported our marriage quite willingly (my mother had unfortunately died in the 80’s). My sister and my brother-in-law were at first reluctant to accept homosexuality, but they soon overcame their reserve and have always been in very good terms with both of us. Their son has known Maxime since he was born and never questioned our relationship or our sexual orientation. Recently, during a family lunch, when he was about 10 y.o., one of his sons asked if Maxime and I were a couple, and when I answered yes, he said “then you are in love with each other ?”, and I said yes again, but he added “but isn’t that bizarre, two men together ?”. I told him that it wasn’t, the best proof being that nobody cared. He seemed satisfied, and never changed his attitude toward us.

In my professional life, I decided, without being necessarily explicit with everybody, not to conceal my private life. I think it gave me more strength to remain true to myself and proved to be the best attitude.

To my friends I decided to be completely open, and if I lost some (but none I cared most for) because I did, I decided not to have any regret.

We don’t know if Brussels is the liveliest place in Europe, but there are enough opportunities to meet people, enough cultural and sports activities for gays with all tastes, as well as bars, sauna’s or more. Some friends from abroad find people here less sophisticated than in big cities like Paris, but we can’t really judge. Belgian citizens are fairly open and being gay is widely accepted. Yet it might be a problem being gay in a very few neighbourhoods with a majority of migrants, especially Muslims. But there are certainly conservative Christian or Jewish circles where being gay is a real problem too.

(Advice to my younger self) Study hard, exploit your capacities, don’t be afraid nor naïve, act towards people like you would like them to act towards you, never fail to pay homage to liberty, equality and fraternity, be tolerant, open and respectful to anyone but be firm in your convictions, hold on to your critical sense and never let anybody nor any book tell you how you should think and what you should believe.”

Maxime, in his own words: “Being gay means being what I am and being honest about it. If some people don’t approve, sorry it’s their problem, not mine.

Of course we are lucky to live in a society where that is possible. I always think it’s so sad when we meet young people who can’t live freely, have a relationship or simply have sex because of the stupidity of the world around them.

Being gay was a tremendous opening on the world. You realize that being different can be OK and you yourself will think twice before judging other people. Practically, it gave me and my lover/now husband a life so much richer with friends from all colours and cultures. At 69, soon 70, I don’t regret a minute of my gay life. I must say I shared that life with someone I have loved for 45 years and whom I still love more every day. Some people say that love becomes affection when you get older. Maybe, but the love part hasn’t disappeared as far as I’m concerned.

I’d say the main challenge has been to build a happy relationship with Henri day after day, which is probably not always easy, although I sometimes think we were meant and programmed to go through life together. Even our differences and our errors have taught us so much. Where would be the fun if we were completely alike with no flaws ?

Another challenge in my life was of course my profession but that’s not the subject. I did a job I liked and I was well paid for it. I even had the luxury to work with people from all over Europe which was another source of enrichment.

What was important too was not to live centred on ourselves and to try to add our little stone to the temple of humanity ; we don’t belong to a particular religion, but we strongly believe that it is important to have values and to fight for them at every possible level. The French motto « Liberty, Equality, Fraternity » is an ideal that should at least be striven for even if we know it will never be attained. And of course we ourselves have always shown concern about that ideal applied to gays all over the world.

I must have felt I was gay around 14 or 15, that means at the end of the fifties and at the beginning of the sixties. Things were not so easy at that time. Homosexuality was still condemned by law in most European countries. Moreover my parents were no intellectuals and were not prepared to have a gay son. Although I myself accepted the fact quite easily -maybe I had no morals- I didn’t come out at school or at the university. At least I never pretended to have girlfriends. With the exception of two minor episodes when I was still in college, my sexual life started at the university but with boys I met in bars not in the class rooms. My stays abroad, especially in Holland and in Germany (I recommend Munich), to improve my language knowledge were also an excellent opportunity to let off steam.

As soon as I started working with people who on the whole were quite liberal, I became more and more open and came out to my parents very quickly after I met Henri. That was in 1970. I brought him for lunch to my father and mother (separately since they were divorced) without making great speeches. It probably didn’t take them long to understand. Luckily neither Henri nor me come from very religious families. And after let’s say three or four years we were more and more considered as a part of the family. Since then, nobody whether it be family or colleagues would ever have thought to invite one of us without the other. The whole world around us knew we were a couple and treated us as such. Maybe some people didn’t approve but we live in a world of political correctness be it in Belgium or at our workplace and nobody would have dared to express a direct disapproval.

(Advice to my younger self) Advice? Don’t follow any advice! Think things over honestly! Live your life! And let’s hope it turns out as well again. If I were cruised by Henri in another life, I think I’d fall for him again and would be ready to start all over.”

Thiago, Event Producer, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

photo by Kevin Truong

Thiago, in his own Portuguese words:“Ser gay para mim significa saber quem sou e o que quero. Significa assumir os meus sentimentos e não reprimi-los por causa dos outros. Ser feliz como eu sou dando importância a mim. É entender que o amor indefere do sexo, mas que sexo é um fato para se ter uma vida mais prazerosa, saudável e prolongada.

Meus maiores desafios foram quando eu ainda estava na infância e já sabia dos meus sentimentos, pois via uma sociedade opressora com relação a sexualidade. Sabia das minhas dificuldades perante a sociedade e minha família. Pra mim isso foi um desafio. Como me comportar perante a eles? Conforme o tempo foi passando, fui tendo mais conhecimento do mundo através de livros e da história da humanidade, fui compreendendo que o meu genuíno sentimento não era anormal. Que a concepção de certo não é única e verdadeira, que a imposição sempre foi impostas através da culpa pelo santificado e de quem obtinha o controlhe (rei, clero, ditadores, etc), pois eles não entendiam tais sentimentos, sempre alegando que o carnal é algo profano, impuro, errado, demoníaco. Vi que também não sou o único, que como eu existia, existiam milhares de outras pessoas. Com isso, ganhei uma autoconfiança sobre os meus sentimentos, que mesmo que não fosse como os outros esperavam como eu deveria ser, eu não era do mal e meus sentimentos de amor não poderia ser errados. Dessa forma, eu percebi que nem todo mundo está certo. Que para alguém ter certeza sobre o que esta dizendo, a pessoa tem que estar muito bem argumentada. Convencer-me que seu ponto de vista é o correto. Meu maior sucesso foi ter essa afirmação de quê, cada um sabe o que é o certo para a sua felicidade, por tanto quê, para atingir a sua felicidade, você não faça o mal ao próximo.

Acredito que a comunidade gay do Rio de Janeiro, por ser uma cidade que tem muitos estrangeiros (turistas ou moradores) não seja diferente das outras grandes cidades do mundo. Somos uma cidade litorânea de clima tropical. Isso acaba nos influenciando certos hábitos. O Carioca em si pode até não ir à praia, mas não vive sem ela. A praia causa uma certa pressão no culto ao corpo, dos corpos liso e depilados. Isso faz com que a comunidade bear no rio não seja muito grande, porém ela existe e se faz presente. A praia de Ipanema, por exemplo, é um point gay em frente à Rua Farme de Amoedo. Lá é uma excelente local aonde você pode ver exatamente como a comunidade gay carioca é.

Nos meus 30 anos de idade, eu vejo mudanças de comportamento nos mais jovens. Por se assumem mais cedo, achava que essa juventude seria mais liberal. Ao mesmo tempo em que eles se assumem mais cedo, sinto que eles são mais caretas com algumas questões. Eles não são tão sexuais como os mais velhos, parece que estão conectados de outra forma. Assim como eu também vejo a mudança dos mais velhos, que estão assumindo mais seus pelos, cultivando mais seus corpos pela questão da saúde do que pela questão estética. De uma forma geral, as pessoas mudam com o passar dos tempos e os padrões vão mudando consequentemente.

Como foi sair do armário?

Difícil no primeiro momento. Sabia o que era. Já namorava um garoto 4 anos mais velho do que eu (eu tinha 17 anos e ele tinha 21 anos) e quis me assumir, pois tive medo que minha mãe pudesse encrencar com ele. Decidi me abrir com a minha mãe. Ela reagiu da forma mais preconceituosa, mas verbalmente. Surpreendentemente, meu irmão, a qual eu temia a pior reação, me ligou justamente após ter contato a minha mãe e minha mãe acabou contou a ele pelo telefone. Ele em seguida quis falar comigo. Para a minha maior supressa, ao pegar o telefone, ele começou a gritar “ é isso ai! Você é muito homem pra se assumir, isso não é para qualquer um não, parabéns, você é o cara!!” . Para a minha total felicidade aonde acabei me debulhando em lágrimas de felicidade.

Se você pudesse dar um conselho para você mesmo antes de sair do armário, o que você diria?

Vai em frente! Você está certo de seu sentimento e sentiu que era a hora de falar. Vai em frente! Se assumir é se definir como um homem, assumir os seus defeitos e também suas qualidades, encara-los de frente. Vai, pois você será feliz!’

In English:

“Being gay means to me knowing who I am and what I want. It means taking my feelings and not suppressing them because of anything. Being happy as I am has importance to me. You understand that sex is important to having a more joyful, healthy and long life.

My biggest challenge was when I was still a child and knew of my feelings, because I saw an oppressive society regarding sexuality. I knew I would have difficulties with society and my family. For me it was a challenge. How should I behave towards them? As time went on, I had more knowledge of the world through books and the history of mankind, I realized that my genuine feelings were not abnormal. They were designed right, and it is true that the levy has always been imposed through guilt and sanctified by those who obtain control (king, clergy, dictators, etc.) because they did not understand such feelings, always claiming that the carnal is something profane, crude, wrong, demonic. I also saw that I am not alone, that I existed and there were thousands of other people. With that, I gained self-confidence about my feelings, even if it was not like what others wanted me to be, I was not evil and my feelings of love could not be wrong. Thus, I realized that not everyone is right. That for someone to be sure about what you’re saying , the person has to be very well read. Convince me that their view is correct. My biggest success was having the understanding about happiness, therefore, to achieve your happiness, you do not do evil to others.

I think the gay community of Rio de Janeiro, being a city with many foreigners ( tourists and locals) is no different from other major world cities. We are a seaside town with a tropical climate. This eventually influences us in certain ways. The Carioca itself might not even go to the beach, but can not live without it. The beach causes some pressure on the cult of the body–the hair and smooth bodies. This makes the bear community in Rio de Janeiro not very large, but it exists and is present. Ipanema beach, for example, is a gay point opposite the Rua Farme de Amoedo. There is a great spot where you can see exactly how the gay community is in Rio.

In my 30 years, I see behavior changes in young people. Why is it assumed that youth would be more liberal? I feel that they are old fashion. They are not as sexual as the older generation, they seem to be connected in other ways. I also see the changes in older people who are taking over their hair, their bodies, by cultivating more health issues than for aesthetic reasons. In general, people change with the passage of time and the patterns are changing accordingly.

(Coming out was) Difficult at first. I knew what it was. I was already dating a boy four years older than me (I was 17 and he was 21). I was afraid that my mother could get angry about it. I decided to be open with my mother. She reacted very prejudiced in a verbal way. Surprisingly, my brother, whom I feared would have the worst reaction, called me just after I told my mother and said he wanted to talk to me. To my great surprise, I picked up the phone and he started yelling “This is it! You are a man to be honest, it is not for anyone, congratulations, you’re the man!” I began crying in tears of happiness.

(If I could give myself advice before coming out, I’d say) Go ahead! If you are sure of your feelings it is time to talk. Go ahead! Take on your challenges and face them head on. You will be happy!”

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Monthly Archives: December 2018

Paul, Photographer, Lima, Peru

Henri and Maxime, Brussels, Belgium

Thiago, Event Producer, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil