Mark and I had an instant connection when we first met each other – almost 10 years ago now – and our bond is still growing by the day. We share many of the same interests and values, which makes us such a strong and happy couple. Our relationship has evolved naturally and smoothly. We met at university and started out as friends. We both were in love with each other, but didn’t talk about it, afraid to ruin our friendship. During a study trip to Paris, we finally kissed – the city of love indeed! We were past the dating stage immediately: we knew we were in for the long haul.

Early 2013, my younger brother died. It was a really tough time that really gets you thinking about life. Before my brother’s death, marriage was never on the table. We always felt it was an outdated concept, and what use is getting married really? But then we realized that we wanted and needed some official document saying we’re together, and as we can get married in the Netherlands we really should take advantage of that privilege.

We wanted to get married in our own way. So no big extravaganza, but a small ceremony with our family and closest friends. And no expensive tuxedos we’d never wear again, but both wearing vintage denim jackets, pug shirts, black skinny jeans and Converse All Stars – hey, if people stop us in the streets asking if we’re twins, why not play with that?

I came out to my parents shortly after Mark and I got together. I told them pretty casually in their kitchen during lunch – even though it by no means felt casual. They reacted well, accepting and supportive, like everyone hopes their parents will. They made very clear to me that they love me and that it’s not my problem if people have an issue with my sexuality – it’s their problem. Still, I found it hard to come out to the rest of my family.

Growing up in a small town, I wasn’t aware of any gay people around me. I only knew about gay jokes, village rumors and exaggerated portrayals of gay life in the media, which were all reasons for me to not come out. So for some years, I was out in my life in Amsterdam, but still in the closet when I visited my family. I felt bad about my dishonesty – towards Mark, my parents, my family and also myself. And when I finally did come out, it really was not an issue at all. I should’ve given them more credit!

In the end, I think I needed to work through all that, get over my insecurities and truly become at peace with myself before I could fully come out.

The Amsterdam gay community doesn’t play a huge role in my life, but I really enjoy going to gay bars, clubs and parties from time to time. Just like I enjoy visiting non-specifically gay bars, clubs and parties.

So far, I’ve had an easy life. I think my biggest challenge so far was coming to terms with my being gay. It was a slow process, and I can’t pinpoint a precise moment, but once I did, everything became easier. Some people say that my being together with Tom for 9 years is an accomplishment, but I disagree. Living with Tom (and staying together) is probably the easiest thing I have ever done.

I guess I have always known I was gay. Growing up in a small town, I never got in contact with other gay people. Gay people weren’t visible. Because of this, it took a while for me to get to terms with my being gay. Even though I knew I was gay, I still had problems with being myself. I tried not to be feminine (whatever that may be), since no one seemed to be in the town I grew up in. I was 17 when I came out to my best friend, and one by one I told my other friends. When I was 18, my sister found out by accident and in a panic she told my parents. They all were very supportive. I could talk to them about my struggles, but I never had the feeling that they saw me in another light after coming out.
I moved to Amsterdam a few months after coming out to my family. It took some time to come out to my friends in Amsterdam. It never seemed the right moment to tell someone. Tom also had a big part in this. I met Tom when I just moved to Amsterdam and even though I liked him from the start, we started out as friends. We became so close, that we both didn’t come out, too afraid to lose our friendship. We went on so many dates, without even knowing it. We danced around each other for 6 months, and we finally became a thing when we got drunk on a study-trip to Paris. After that, we came out to everyone in an instant. I think coming out together to our friends made us as close as we are. We have shared the experience and we have basically been together for all our ‘out’ lives.

Nowadays I have no problem with telling people I am gay. I truly can say that I am proud of who I am and if someone thinks otherwise, it’s their problem.

The gay community in Amsterdam is quite small. Everyone knows someone you know. There are a lot of gay cultural and sport activities. There are gay bars and gay clubs, but not that many. A lot of bars and clubs are gay-friendly and some host gay nights. I don’t have to go to a gay bar to feel accepted and have fun. That being said, Amsterdam isn’t as openminded as it is portrayed. You usually do not see two men or women walk down the street holding hands. It is not my experience, but most gay people I know have been called names for ‘acting gay’ in public.

When I eventually realized I was gay, I did what any kid would do: deny it. I denied it to my family, friends, and worst of all, myself. But I was caught between two places. On the one hand, my mom would ask if I was gay during my high school years, as if she was offering a chance for me to say out loud what she had known for years. But on the other hand, my faith said to suppress such feelings and pray harder for Jesus to heal my brokenness. But what I found through my struggles was the church was wrong in their teachings: I wasn’t broken. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

It wasn’t until I was a senior in high school that I was able to confide in my best friend and tell him I was gay. He, of course, already knew and gave me the words and strength I needed and couldn’t find in myself to tell others. Shortly into my freshman year at University my father passed away. It was a huge loss for my family and changed each of us. We all handled with the death in our own ways. When I finally worked up the courage to come out to my mom, she was upset. Just five years earlier she was asking if I was gay, so I felt confident that telling her would be fairly easy. But because of her lack of education on the LGBT community and her inability to seek advice from those who had been through similar situations, she struggled to come to terms with my sexuality. For almost a year it was an elephant in the room—no one wanted to speak about it. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I expressed what I needed, and asked for the same respect a straight son would receive.

From then on, things slowly began to get better and my mom (and brothers) eventually became fully accepting. Often times I look back at my youth and think about who I was and then I compare it with where I am now. Sometimes I think about how my father never truly knew who his son really was. I was a completely different person, trying to find my identity. More importantly, I used to think I had the best childhood, having grown up in such a loving environment-and I still think I did. But it is what my family has become which I am most thankful for. My father may not have known who I truly am, but I know what my brothers, my mother, and I have become. Not only have I changed into this mature, responsible, caring adult, but my family has been there with me every step of the way. I am forever grateful to see how each of them have grown into who they are today. Now, my life is filled with those who are supportive and appreciate me for who I am.

I currently reside in Seoul, South Korea. After completing my graduate work, I moved with the intent to teach, save money, and travel the world. I have been able to do all of this and have even met someone in the process. He’s patient, loving, gentle, and has the ability to stay level headed when I’m stressed. When my work gets intense and overwhelming, he takes a step back and does his best to bring calmness and composure. And I try to do the same for him. We’ve traveled across the world, met amazing people, and find fulfillment with the time spent with one another.

But it has also been difficult. I am continuing to learn how to be supportive to gay persons in what I find challenging in South Korea. Moreover, I come from the West where the culture is very different. It would be wrong for me to push my traditions and feelings on a culture which has their own set of values and opinions. I’ve lived in Korea for four years, so I am able (or at least I would like to believe I am) to understand the challenges the LGBT community experiences. The culture has traditions which stretch back generations, with homosexuality being taboo. Of all the Korean gay men and women I have met, only one is out to his family. Many of my gay friends have two Facebook accounts (one for their family and other for their gay friends). In addition, family pressure to marry is extremely high in Korea. Some marry into straight marriages in order to please the parents.

But change is happening here in Korea. Pride festivals continue each summer, along with the Mayor of Seoul recently openly acknowledging the LGBT community and the importance of equality.