I have some amazing people in my life and the only challenge that I feel that I have faced was not feeling like I could come out sooner. I have learned that you have to love yourself before anyone can love you. That is something that I’m learning everyday of my life because at times I’m allowing others to love me and return forget about self loving.

When it comes to the gay scene in Boston I often wonder myself what is it. I have not experience much of the gay scene here and I don’t think that I really want to. The New York scene is a scene that I think is very interesting. There are places that I have been that are just full of men who are on the down low to places were you meet gay men who are working in Education to Finance. I think the NY scene is one of the most amazing scenes I have witnessed and at the same time as I get old my scene continues to change.

Kevin was born as a beautiful boy in a refugee camp in Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur in a hot summer of 1982, after I had escaped Vietnam in a fishing boat with my two small daughters. We later were transported to a camp in the Philippines when he was a few months old. He was so cute and chubby looking, so every time I carried him outside, the neighbors in the refugee camp would ask me if they could hold him. He was such a precious boy to me and his young two sisters. In those days, I was a young woman with my three small children and lived peacefully in a refugee camp after beating the odds of survival in the open sea. Kevin was taken care of by his 10 year-old sister in the refugee camp while I attended daily a half day of classes about the new culture in our soon to be new country of America. This was a requirement by the US government, as a culture shock might occur to us if we did not prepare for that.

We arrived to the USA in Feb 19th 1983, and Kevin was only eight months old, along with his two sisters, each of them were separated by five years of age respectively. It was not easy for me as a single mom with three small children in a new country. Being busy with schedules of work, ESL school, school homework, shopping, driving classes etc. I did not pay attention or have much time for my children, because I was always tired or exhausted from work and chores. They very much grew up by themselves, and their behaviors were influenced by their peers. Kevin grew up surrounded by three woman, me and his two sisters. There was not a figure of a man as a father to him. No man there to teach him to play sport or teach him how to grow up to be a man. I always thought that my son would be normal like every one else when he grew up. Never in my mind did it occur that he would be different. He always came with friends who were beautiful teenage girls in the neighborhood or from his school. I always saw him with beautiful girl friends.

Until one fall day when he was at home after serving in the Americorp Volunteer program in Orange County, CA when he was twenty-five. He told me, “Mom I have something to tell you, but you have to be calm.” So I started to get nervous, and asked him what was it about. Then he told me that he was gay. I could not believe what I heard, had I heard wrong? Or maybe he tried to pull my leg. But he already spilled it out, and his face was serious. His words were clear, and I had never had a problem of hearing before. So my son stood tall because he did not want to hide from his mother. He wanted to come out of a closet. I did not recall what my feelings were at that moment. Yes, I was disappointed, and was in fear of him being different. I had read news one time of a guy named Matthew who was killed by a hatred group. I knew that the society was prejudiced towards the gay group, and religion condemned their sins.

For me my mind went blank. What is gay? Does it make any difference, as he is always my son, and he is still the same Kevin by look, his body did not shrink an inch, his mind is still smart, his talent is still there. I just tried to forget what he told me and went on with my daily routine. I thought to myself whatever made him happy, that’s what mattered.

He has only one life to live, as not many people would live past 100 years. So what Kevin is gay? To calm myself I theorized that at least he would not fuss around with women, then impregnate them and then have to pay child support, or get married then get a divorce, and have children that would suffer. That eased my mind a little, however, I still was disappointed. Who would not want their son to be normal, under the eyes of one’s society?

Sometimes when I lied in bed and thought about Kevin, I would blame myself for not raising him up right. The mystery of Kevin being a gay man was never solved in my mind. I still did not understand what element had made him gay. I remember when he was 15 years old and used to hang out with two pretty teen girls in my neighborhood, and went to the prom with a beautiful young Filipino girl, and had a picture taken with her that was in his room all the time. A few years later, sometimes I saw that girl at the church and she would always ask about Kevin. She liked him so much. I always wished that Kevin would marry that charming Filipino girl. God did not grant me that blessing. There must be a reason. I had many theories about why he became gay. The first one was maybe when I was two months pregnant with Kevin and escaping out of Vietnam in a fishing boat, I may not have had enough nutrients to feed the fetus. Or maybe because Kevin grew up without a man around him, or maybe he hung out with a wrong group. Or there was a curse in my family. So many theories, but I knew I would never find the answers as to the reason. Kevin being a gay man would always be a mystery and maybe it is God’s will.

Today, he asked me, “Mom tell me honestly how do you feel about me being gay.” So I told him, “Why do you want to stir that up, the surface of the lake was flat and smooth, now you want to throw a rock and make bubbles.” I told him that I did not want him to stand up for gay groups, in fear for my son being jeopardized. He said it was important to him, he had a blog site, and people discussed about that, but he is safe.

I told Kevin that if you want my honest opinion, I would tell him that if everyone in the planet was gay then it would be the end because no one would have children. However, God didn’t create it that way, because your group is a small group, and they are like a group of the same type of trees standing strong together under this universe, and they are no different than the other trees. All the trees need the same basic needs for survival. They need water to nutrient them and they want to be recognized by other groups because they were also creations from the same Lord and in the same planet.

I told Kevin that the gay group is harmless to other peoples. You want to live happiness among the same type, for me it should be acceptable. The Lord had his opinion to create this universe. I just hope that society should leave them alone, and not be prejudiced about your group or ever harm them. Like many times I have heard, all men are created equal, so should you be. You should be treated like others. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or not.