Each life born to live this world have a dream of its own, have a childhood of its dreams, to have a life they want to live for and the person they want to love and live and spent lifelong, but in my life I am not sure what is right and what is wrong..what is truth and what is reality.

I am Szhakti born on Dec 27th 1982 to Mr. and Mrs. Kasavan at Penang mainland on Monday morning 7.26am. The first male born to the only male heir in the family. As all the childrens in their childhood I’m very much active, hyperactive to say, climbing trees , playing with the animals around my granny village and to all kind of kiddy hanky pansy things….but as all child I also hope to be love by my parents, but it never happen. My mum and dad always see me as though I’m something else. Never treat me like a child…. There’s once my father cage me with a dog and bath me with it until I chocked just because I play with my neighbors’ children, and each time anything happen at home I will be the victim in every case. As for my mummy remember she beat with dog chain because I ask food that she is eating at that time, even when I’m sick no one cares about it, except my granny she is my savior every time.. She always being the shield in my life, when I’m hungry she feed me, when I’m sick she run me to the clinic or hospital. When my parents neglected me she gave both the love I want..

Years went on I grow with the despair without my parents love. When I’m 9 year old my mum just walked out from the house and never turn back since that, when I went to the court on my parents’ divorce case I’m stuck in a situation I don’t understand. The judge call me in to his room and ask who side I want to choose. I choose my granny as my others siblings they choose my father. It’s something I can’t forget.

After years passed I studied away from my granny at my aunt’s house, when I’m there I learn something about myself. That my feelings are different and the way I see things is different, little by little I discover about myself and what I found out is that I’m a gay. It did shock me for a while. A question raise am I the only one with this kind of feeling’s felt weird, scared and confuse. But somehow I did manage to calm myself down. When I finish my form 3 I went home to mainland to stay with my granny, cause years without her beside to pamper is like hell.

So I change my school back to my home town, a small yet quite town at the end of Penang border. After I’m back in my hometown realize a sharper truth than a blade in my life. I’m nothing for my father, I’m just an it…My father married 2nd n had childrens from there.. The way he treat them is far more love than how he treat me. A trash. The wounds of my childhood bleed again. He still beat me if anything happen in the family or work. And he has a bunch of friends who always like to u know cucuk people. He actually believe them, can always came back n beat me, even though I’m grown up I haven had the heart to raise my voice or my hand as I do love him a lot, its crucial when through my years of higher studies with more nightmares at home..Everything I get good result there is no praise only scolding and all green words.

At that time, I found a bunch of friends ,friends who really love me who gave me love more than anyone can give, not one not two but ten of them, angels I called them..They always address me with sweet names. kanna,kunjumani,kannukutty..All with full heart they called me..paari,navina,satyam,pravin,thulasi,sethu,sree,gopalakrishna,pughal,manigandan,ahthikesavan and the most I missed arun kumar the person who showered with true love…

Yup I did fall in love when I’m doing my lower six, with arun kumar a doctor from Penang. He love me more than anyone can as his life n soul. And we never meet before, our love only through letter and by words of friends. Because he is transfer to Sabah by the time we can meet up. We r in love for a year when he decide to take me totally into his life to be married to, it’s weird but it’s the truth, he arrange it, a place, rings and all kinds of things…but destiny is a crucial being..

In year 2002 thing which I never imagine happen. On July 2002 02th my granny, passed away. The only place I had shelter is taken from me. My shield I felt as though I lost myself without directions never cried never went to the place where she is burn or dissolve…I can’t see or accept it, but she is not the only one I lost on the next day 3th July I lost Pughal in an accident he died on spot, and later one by one of my angels passed away cause by vehicle accident or error at the training camp, because most of them are police trainers. Each of them died a death I cannot even imagine a funeral I can’t even faced and a lost that I can’t bear till today. Cause on the same year I also lost arun he meet with an accident in Sabah and admitted in ICU,doctor lost hope a month before our marriage plan which is 24 Sept he passed away, leaving me last word note, “never give up and no matter what goes on never close my heart for love”……..

I cried more than anything cried out of my heart .The next day I can’t sit for my trial STPM and I flung all the paper’s became like something never talk to anyone, never eat, never knew I’m breathing or not. I live my life as though I’m a body without a soul, a person which never knew when the heart beat. In the year 2003 my parents force me to go over sea to study. To do medic, which I never wanted. But I went because I can’t take the pain in my heart can’t go through the depression I went when to Russia.

When I’m there, the loneliness in me kill me more than anything I cry for months in myself I can’t speak out I cried in me .I cant bear the pain. No one will understand even though I told anyone. So I keep in me…I did tried suicide few time and save by my friend but they don’t know the real reason..I drink everyday till I put a full stop to it and than I fall sick and bed ridden so the university send me back home.

When I arrive in Malaysia I don’t dare to step back home as my father threaten to break my legs and hand. So I stay at “so called a friend’s house “.after a week a pull up a courage and when home. The moment I step in my parents are sitting at home. I went in and talk, my father as usually being arrogant. He ask why I came back I say I fall sick. He never believe me he kicked me on my chest and nose till I bleed. My step mum didn’t stop him she is just sitting there. If just granny is still alive….

After that I decide not to stay there knowing what my father capable of doing, so I went to kl and stay with my cousin and seek for job, as anyone knew it’s hard to get a job in kl .So I walk up and down every day for interview from kl to Serdang…things didn’t work out much for me. And on that moment my step mum called me back home, she said my father is ok and want me to continue my studies’ went back to discover a more painful truth.

In the morning when I woke up by a big bang on my door, my father trying to break in. Even though in fear I open and let him in. He came in with a tape recorder and a cane. He blackmail me to say that I am the one who wanted to go to Russia to study I am the one who wanted medicine so much, even though its not truth I told to save myself. Then he told me if from that day onward I don’t wake up in the morning 3am and drive van for his company and then work as foremen at his office he will break my hand. He will do he is not a human in any way to me..so I did all the work, every morning I woke up at 3am take the van drive company people to work place till 9am to different companies than back to his office to be foremen . Work till the day fall than drive the van again. Every day when he see me he bit me, throw all kinds of green word at me, nor my step mum or my bro helped me. Till he cursed me with my mum. than I stopped eating at home..come home when all sleep and eat outside when i feel hungry..I went through hell for 6 months, even my brother treat me the way I never accepted to…..at one point I remember arun’s words.

So somehow someway I apply to do pharmacy in kl at master skill college I got, and than I used his own friends so that I can go away for studies and relieve myself from this hell….I did manage to, I use my working money which only rm2000 and paid my entry fees and apply for loan. As he never gave me money to study. Even the first pocket money I got from him rm300, he gave with the words that I must live with it no matter what n if i call for money he will harm me. For my studies my dream i try to live with it, with my loan money sometimes ask my step mum to help me.. in the time in kl n even before that i did try to fall in love I did tried to love, but my heart is too hard to love.

But one point I did manage to love but it’s just a mere dream again, the person I love n trust treat me like trash use me to max and just dump me. My heart even crushed to more piece than I can put it back together…..I learn to many things bout trust, relationship and love in this place..but i have never give up believing one day I will find the love I desire… I finish my college in Dec last year..and got an interview with a private hospital now I’m there….working as a pharmacy assistant. Far from my home my grannies’ memories, my friends memories my arun’s memories… I write this blog in despaired as I cant take the pain n myself anymore..

I’m not sure about others but I’m in a shoe and life that I always pray no one else will be..I pray that there won’t be a birth as unwanted like me…I didn’t ask for this life didn’t ask to be what I am now..but am here writing this part of my life to give me a breath to move on….I hope I have the strength to continue my journey as I’m very much tired with my life, I’m tired with the pain in me I’m exhausted I can’t take it anymore..I have contain it for 12 years….everyday it bleed and hurt more than ever that I can even breath..I lost my love, heart beat and life.

Love isnt easy to find, but once you found it treasue it cause once you lost it the pain if unbearable…

This is my life story.

photo by Szhakti