Monthly Archives: February 2014

Aldo, Photographer, Los Angeles

photo by Kevin Truong

Aldo, in his own words: “Kevin, I have been out for such a long time and feel so comfortable with being gay that thinking about what being gay means to me is as strange as asking a straight man what being straight means to him. There was a point early in my life where I spent a lot of time and energy struggling to accept my attraction to men. It was not an easy process – coming from a Catholic background and all. But with the help of gay organizations and good friends, I finally got to a point where I could say that I truly love being gay and would not change it if there was a pill to make me straight.

I have learned to accept my gayness as a true gift and blessing. It has allowed me to weed out those people in my life who should not have been there in the first place and has attracted friends who can truly accept me for who and what I am. What does being gay mean to me? It means living my life with honesty and integrity. It means loving myself enough and having the inner strength to overcome anything the world throws at me. It means expanding my worldview to realize that we are all in this together.”

Guillermo and Alvaro, Dancer and Artist/Psychotherapist, Panama City

photo by Kevin Truong

Alvaro, in his own words: “I was always a different kind of kid, uncomfortable with big crowds and loud noises, I didn’t like people smoking around me or establishing physical contact with me when there was no need. Being in large groups with other kids wasn’t my thing. I used to play alone and I always tried to maintain some personal space since I felt overwhelmed with the stimuli. While I grew up I noticed the stimuli could not only be physical but emotional. I didn’t have a word for it but looking back I can see I was a very empathic kid, picking up on emotional signs in people from a very young age. I got overwhelmed sometimes so my first attempt at controlling the stimuli was to get away from it… from people, that is. I still need to do that sometimes.

Drawing was always there for me when I was alone and I could spend hours filling the pages of drawing pads and sketchbooks, I used to doodle everywhere, the walls, books, any piece of paper I could find, etc. I wasn’t really a noisy kid, I developed a whole universe in my head that nobody else knew about. But I remember I couldn’t decide whether my favorite color was green or blue, then I added red and I got completely confused. Back then I thought I was defective because I couldn’t make up my mind about such small things. I felt as if I was left behind somehow. Eventually I discovered my “defect” granted me the chance to appreciate all colors, switch between one or the other and mix them all together whenever I wanted to, while people around me could only see beauty in one or two things at once. I noticed I didn’t have to choose (or I chose not to choose) and I never thought of myself as “defective” again.

That’s until I hit puberty, my sexuality kicked in and I realized I was different to my peers in yet another aspect. I wasn’t attracted to girls in the same way my friends were. Even my drawings reflected my sexual orientation. I didn’t have a word for what I was feeling except the derogatory ones I had learned at school, on TV or even at home when some family members referred to non-straight people. I was lost, I thought I wouldn’t be able to control this new difference and turn it into something good. I fought my homosexuality for years, I tried to erase it, hide it, forget about it. I graduated high school and went to the University to become a Psychologist, there I tried to analyze my sexuality, interpret it, I cried a lot and got angry at myself for being like that. I feared rejection and got depressed. I rejected myself and I stopped producing any type of art for a couple of years.

I dated women, I slept with them and had a good time. I remember my dad caught me a couple of times with a girlfriend and he would only smile with pride. I was so happy he approved, I felt so validated. But one day I had to face it: I had been lying to myself and sex with women wasn’t going to work for me forever. I had sex with another man for the first time when I was 21 (I know it sounds late but that’s how it was). When I was finally building up the courage to talk to my parents about my sexuality, my dad got in a car accident. I wanted to tell him about me if only to be honest with him and because I was desperate to know if he’d still love me if I was gay, but he died before I had the chance to find out, so my question will remain unanswered forever. A month after his passing I began drawing men again, I haven’t stopped since then and now my art is one of the things that define me as a human being, as a man, as a gay man.

Eventually I “came out” to my mother and she cried and stopped talking to me. She had a whole lot of misguided ideas and I had to clarify a lot of things for her. It was a growing up experience for both of us. Now she and the rest of my family know about me and they respect me. Anonymity is no longer my primary defense and I even disagree with the expression “coming out of the closet” since I think the closet is where you keep the things you’re not using at any given time and the truth is sexuality permeates our every move, our every thought, our every emotion. We interpret life and the world around us based on who we are and our sexuality is a big part of that.

I’m a Doctor in Clinical Psychology and a Psychotherapist, I work with all kinds of people but always keep a big part of my practice dedicated to gay or bisexual men and women, same sex couples or even parents that get scared because their kids are “different”. I’m also a self taught drawing artist, which is my true passion and my subjects are mostly men, these days I use multiple colors and don’t feel defective for it, and I try to challenge myself every time. I’ve had a few partners and I must admit I’m a long term relationship kind of guy, though I’ve had my share of short and casual encounters, if you must know. I workout, eat well and try to be as honest to myself and others as I can consciously be. I recently started doing theater and for years I’ve run a blog on Psychology and Sexual Diversity. I still resonate with other people emotionally but I use it now to try and help them in my practice or to feed my artistic side.”

Alvaro’s art.

Alvaro’s blog.

Twitter: @algomprado

Facebook: Facebook.com/algomprado

Guillermo, in his own words: “I was fortunate to be able to develop my career and alongside my real passion which is dancing. I always say that I studied to be a Communicator (PR, Advertising, Marketing, etc.), but I was born to be a dancer. Since I can remember I have danced, even when my mom tells stories from my childhood, most of them describe me dancing. Choreographing with my cousins and neighbors for parties was something I used to do while growing up. My first dance partner was my sister who supported me in all my follies, and still does!

I remember my dad telling me when I was still very young: “My dear son, be whatever you want to be, but always be the best.” To this day, that was my North Star, be the best PR and Communications Advisor, be the best dancer, be the best son, the best brother, the best boyfriend, in short, be a better person every day.

Obviously there were many obstacles, being gay in a country like Panama isn’t easy. First off, in a country the size of a lentil, everyone knows you or your family (which means that being in the closet 100% is virtually impossible). Secondly, the religious and macho culture ingrained in my family has made it more difficult. It was not easy trying to figure out who I was, especially while going through my parents divorce, which was very traumatic for our family.

It has been an extensive process of assimilation, acceptance and growth for both me and the people close to me. Doubts, insecurities and fears have slowly dissipated. I feel proud of each and every one of these experiences and feelings, good and bad, because they have made me the man I am today.”

A Note from Cesar, in Germany…

“My parents discovered that I was gay when I was 14, at that same age I also realized that I was gay. They found some gay porn under my bed. They talked to me and took me with a therapist until I was “not gay” anymore.Everything was good at home because I kept hiding that I was gay. But it was so hard for me. There were some nights that I cried a lot because of who I am. Saying to the world, why? why me?

I hide my homosexuality for 5 years, at the age of 19 I got my first boyfriend, it was a distance love. One day my mother took my phone and saw a whatsapp message from my boyfriend where I told him that I love him. I didn’t know until my boyfriend told me someone called him saying that he is a fucking faggot, that should get away from me because if he doesn’t it would be the end of him, also I saw that my parents were so quite with me. One day my mother and I where seating out side the house and suddenly she started telling me that she have has lesbian friends that they were ruined but the they became straight had a husband and now they are living so happy and good bla bla bla… At this point I knew what she wanted. She told me about the message, and that I should stop dating this guy. She also told me that: because of me she was feeling so bad and that if I love her I should stop being gay. As if it easy like that. I didn’t, so my parents stopped talking to me for 4 months, by this time I was sheltering with my best friends. My boyfriend traveled to my city and I told my parents that I would be with some friends the whole weekend doing university’s projects. When I arrived to my house I thought my parents didn’t have a clue about it and I was so happy about it until the next day when they realized that I was with this guy the whole weekend.

My father started insulting me saying that I’m worthless, that I’m shit, that I’ll ruin my career, that it would be better to start looking another place to live, and then asked me to take my shirt of and started to hit me with a wet belt. By this I was completely destroyed I passed 3 weeks crying every single night. And my dad kept sending me e-mails with “information” of why being gay is bad, which aids you can have if you are gay and stuff like that and stopped calling me son. One day I was really tired of it so I wrote the next e-mail attaching the movie “prayers for Bobby” to him:

“Mom, dad:

I’m 19 years old and soon I’ll be 20. Time goes fast. If I take a look back, I can see I’ve lived a lot of experiences and you have been there with me all my life.

I know, everybody tell me, you have also tell me, since you know I’m homosexual it hasn’t been easy for you. Believe me, for me neither. It hasn’t been easy to experience break hearts and arrive into the house hiding my crying or crying softly to not bother you. It hurts me the silence that you put between us. You are putting the walls between us.

No, it hasn’t been easy and I’m really trying to understand you, but sometimes it’s hard for me to understand. I know, your education is different, because they put on you a lot of walls. They teach you that love must be just between men and women.

I know I broke your plan of me having a wife, visiting you on Sundays with the grandsons. I know it hurt you because nobody prepared you to face an unexpected situation where religion, people and family influence your fear. I understand all of this, but I don’t justify it.

I don’t justify that in front of something unknown you refuse and not search for alternatives to create new links between us. Nobody teach you how to be parents just like nobody teach us how to be sons. We learn that together. The sons learn from the parents never the less the parents must learn from and for the sons. Mom, dad, I am here. I’m still here and soon I’ll start my life. It’s me. I haven’t changed. I’m still intense, the same that cries with movies and books, the same that laugh loud, the same that hugs, the same that has goals and doesn’t keep quiet, the same that make you some drawing in kinder garden, the same that danced in the elementary school festivals, the same that keep telling you ‘I love you’. THE SAME that doesn’t hurt anyone for loving or sleeping with someone of the same sex. IT’S JUST LOVE and love doesn’t have a gender.

I cried a lot because I have had this feeling that we’re losing time that will not come back, time that we could use to re-meet us, approach and share without masks our life.

Fortunately I have learned to live with your presence and absence, I’ve learned to make another family with my friends and share a lot of things with them. Things that I would like to share with you but you are missing out.

I wish you could realize that the present time goes away and it goes so fast that we don’t even realize, tomorrow maybe one of us will not be here and we will know, too late, that we were wrong.

I have the peace of mind to recognize that I tried, but I cannot do anything.

I keep on, my life continues and it’s fine. But it would be amazing if you are here sharing this path called life. Sharing experiences, talks, moments, laughs and cries.

I know this is not easy. Moms and dads experience assimilation processes that are not always easy nor fast. It’s not easy for anybody to experience a situation that breaks the established and where because of the silence, fear and absurdities unquestioned, nobody does anything and things get more complicated. Taboos that get over the existent love and move away the people.

I understand you, but I ask you to understand me. This is not a war; let’s not make trenches or sides. There are not victims or victimizers, just, ignorance, silence and barriers.

Probably everything is already lose between us but it could be that in the future it changes, shame that future is so insecure and there’s no way for us to know it there’s going to be a future or time. There’s still love to fight for.

I LOVE YOU,

Your son César”

I sent this e-mail early in the morning. During the afternoon of the same day I was in a lecture at university when suddenly my phone rang, it was my dad. I answered and he was crying telling me how much he regrets everything he told to me that he would never do that again and that he was very proud his son and that he will always support me.

Since that day everything has been amazing between me and my parents. They accept me by who I am and I feel that support, that I think Latins want always to have, the family support. Now I’m finishing my university and working as an engineer in Germany.

I would just like to say, everything gets better, keep strong, and never give up.”

photo by Cesar

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Monthly Archives: February 2014

Aldo, Photographer, Los Angeles

Guillermo and Alvaro, Dancer and Artist/Psychotherapist, Panama City

A Note from Cesar, in Germany…