Monthly Archives: September 2013

A Note From Alex, in Mexico…

“For the past four years I’ve learned that there are (at least for me) two kinds of ‘education’, the one your parents give to you when you are growing up, and the one the life shows you, your own experiences, good and bad ones; both which have allowed me to really define myself as a person, as a friend, as a human being, and as a gay man.

Being a gay man in Mexico is hard; we have big stigma and racism about homosexuality. Of course there’s people who just don’t care about people being gay, people who accept the gay community and people who believes this is all wrong and we are doomed to hell. Being such a catholic country, were man has to be a ‘macho’ to be a ‘real’ man; we have more people of the former kind. With time you learn to ignore this kind.

Growing up in a little town was not easy, most of my classmates from elementary and middle school referred to me as faggot or queer. Those comments hurt, and made me realize there was something different about myself, and I really wanted to change that. Then for high school I moved to another city for a better education, which meant a new school, a new city, and new people… But it was all the same, or even worst. I made really good friends, but the boys were meaner and the girls overprotective. It was here where I felt for the first time for a guy, a really handsome one, even stunning. I knew this wasn’t normal for the social standards I had been raised, and I began to understand I wasn’t the same as the others.

So, for college I moved out as far away as possible to one of the major cities in Mexico: Monterrey. Far from everyone I had met, thinking I could start all over again. Here I understood that it wasn’t about changing everything around you, but changing your disposition to evolve mentally and emotionally. I began to accept myself, made some new friends and realized I liked man really hard. Exactly a year later, in 2008, I came out to myself and it was the biggest relief. But then I faced another issue, coming out to everyone else, friends and family. I was scared about their reactions and how they were going to take it and I even made up a story about me meeting some guy, I don’t really know why, I guess I thought it was going to be easier to accept the fact that I was gay if I was dating someone (dumb logic, I know), and I told this story to a friend who was very comprehensive and nice, and with time she became my best friend, always supportive and there for me.

After I told my friend, coming out to other friends was easier, but my family was a big issue. My parents are a little open-minded but I wasn’t sure about their son being gay. So I started with a cousin, I was really close to her and luckily everything went well. Next my sister, she just told me ‘whatever, do anything you want’, so I knew it was fine. The most difficult one was my mom, since it was never the right time I just spit it out one day ‘‘Mom, I’m homosexual’’, it wasn’t easy I freaked out before telling her and cried for so long. She told me that nothing was going to change because she was my mother and she will always love me, but she needed some time to understand. About my dad, mom told me it was a delicate issue and that she will tell him. My sister told me that dad already knew, but we haven’t talked about it, it’s like taboo at home. I know he needs to hear it from me. It’s sad because I can’t go home and be myself, talk openly about my life. Every time I mention a male friend, my mom looks at me all freaked out thinking I’m dating this guy and that I’m going to say something ‘gay’. But I have confidence all of this are going to be better.

Right now I’m in grad school, moved out again to a small city named Irapuato, where I’m learning so many things that I want in my life and future, and also a lot of good things about being gay.

About the LGBT community in Mexico, I’ll say I’m not so in touch with it. From the little contact that I’ve had I’ll say I don’t like it, maybe it’s because the concept I got is that being gay meant wild and loud parties, which I’m not really into. I prefer to go out with friends for a drink or coffee, a good talk or book.

At the beginning of my transition of acceptance I believed that being gay was going to define me, but after all this years I understood that it’s only a part of who I am, there are many things that distinguish my personality and being gay is just one of them. After a retrospective analysis of my own, I now realize that I was always gay, I remember being little and asking my mom why I couldn’t wear the hairpins my sister did and learning all the dialogues of The Wizard of Oz.

I would like to finish, this big open letter, with a quote (because I’m a quote lover). “You are free, so choose; in other words, invent. No general code of ethics can tell you what you ought to do; there are no signs in this world.” (Jean-Paul Sartre).”

photo provided by Alex

Renaud, Architecture Student, Montreal

photo by Kevin Truong

Renaud, in his own French words: “If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.”
– Harvey Milk

Être gay, c’est pouvoir creuser jusqu’au plus profond de soi-même et être capable de s’accepter, peu importe ce qu’on y trouve et découvre. Y faire face, l’assumer, et essayer d’en tirer tout ce qu’il y a de mieux. Le plus difficile pour moi fût de reconnaître et d’apprendre à vivre avec cette identité sexuelle qui m’est propre, que l’on qualifie de “différente”, mais qui m’est plutôt individuelle. Difficile de faire le deuil d’une vie normale, le deuil de fonder une famille; difficile de faire face à l’inconnu et de voir l’avenir comme une vertigineuse falaise. Toutefois, peu à peu, on apprend à grimper cette paroie qui nous apporte finalement sérénité, puis on contemple tout le chemin accompli en se disant que la route fût ardue, avec son lot d’embûches, mais que le sommet en vaut largement la chandelle.

Nous sommes tous humains, nous devons tous aimer et être aimés. Nous avons tous nos propres batailles et être gay, c’est d’avoir vaincu. C’est avoir vaincu sa crainte du rejet, sa crainte de la solitude, sa crainte des préjugés. Être gay, c’est ne pas avoir peur du regard des autres, c’est ne pas avoir peur du jugement, c’est de se tenir debout pour ses convictions. C’est d’enlever son masque et se montrer à nu. C’est de se battre pour ses droits. C’est de se rallier et s’unir pour montrer l’absurdité d’un fossé qui n’aurait jamais dû exister.

“Cause baby, you are born this way.” – Lady Gaga”

Twaun, Counsel, Washington D.C.

photo by Kevin Truong

Twaun, in his own words: “I came out to my parents early in 2011. I was 26 years old and four years in to only the second serious relationship I’ve had in my adult life; second to the years I spent with the mother of my, now, 7-year-old daughter. When I came out to my parents, I don’t recall feeling a great deal of anxiety or pressure to do so. I had just returned home, a day or so earlier, from a funeral I attended in Jackson, MS. In a tragic turn of events, my daughter’s older sister lost her life in a horrific murder-suicide. The event profoundly affected my family and I think we were all struggling to come to terms with how something like this could happen. The days after were pretty quiet though on this particular one, I couldn’t help but think about my daughter and the fragility of life. Then the phone rang; it was my father. He expressed concerns that he and my mother shared about what they perceived as my dejected demeanor, our strained relationship, and their general lack of knowledge about my life in Washington, DC. He said that “if anything ever happened” to me that they would be completely “in the dark” and not know what to tell anyone about where I spent time, what I did for leisure, or who comprised my inner circle and professional network. In that moment, I actually remember looking out the window of the apartment I shared with my male partner and very calmly decided that it was time to discuss my sexual orientation with both of my parents. My partner and I were considering a life together, and in my mind, it was important for my family to know that and hopefully establish a relationship with him. Although my father didn’t anticipate that I — his only son — was about to tell him and my mother I was gay, his general reasoning resonated with me and I believed he was right – my parents deserved to know for both our sakes. They deserved to know fully who I was so that we could begin what I knew would be the difficult task of rebuilding our relationship. And although I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to tell them, I realized that to be emotionally mature, I needed to be straightforward. I didn’t have anything to be ashamed of and in not telling them, I was implicitly conceding that my sexuality was a source of shame.

At first, my parents took the news calmly. They were jilted but said that they still loved me. Of course, I never believed that my parents would ever abandon or disown me. As it had been with so many other issues, our dynamic on difficult situations was always a battle of wills. Since that day, they have and continue to go through different stages of grief. It is a type of grieving process when parents have to surrender their vision of the life they thought their child would have and accept the reality of the adult in front of them. In the initial conversation, I had to assure them that my sexual orientation did not really define or dictate my entire existence and that I was still the person they’ve always known. I’m very hardworking, passionate, and dedicated to public service. I’m a loving father. I’m a loyal friend. I’m my own man, trying the very best I can to build the best life on a solid foundation. I told them that I was not a wild caricature of a gay man they may have seen on television or encountered in life. I had to discuss with them the varying ranges of sexual expression and identity. I told them that I did not have HIV, that I was not promiscuous, and that I still, continue to “just say no” (being the Reagan-era child of the 80s D.A.R.E. Program).

My relationship with my parents continues to be a work in progress. But I think this is common, especially for young gay men. You endure difficult times, but it is in those trials that your relationship can be strengthened and evolve. As much as we drive each other crazy at times, we can’t help but love one another – that is our legacy and tradition.

As it turns out, my relationship, my first with a man and one of the reasons I initially wanted to come out to my parents, ended last year. While the circumstances surrounding the situation were deeply painful, I’ve concluded that it was really the necessary ending to what has been the full arc of my twenties. Today, I’m 29 and I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I am 100 percent present in my existence. I know what I want and I know what I have to contribute. And most importantly, I honor my worth and trust myself more than ever before. The last 10 years taught me how to be serious about “who I am,” and it changed how I perceived others. I’m simply “me,” authentic in my truth and honoring the 10 commitments I made to myself on my birthday last April (in no particular order):

1. Live life on your own terms, do not move in reverse, stay hopeful
2. Trust your instincts, trust yourself, and never settle
3. Do not fear love, vulnerability is the greatest act of courage
4. Know your worth, respect your value
5. Take vacations, travel more
6. Continue to follow your dreams, they led you here
7. Pay it forward, be a mentor
8. Mind your associations, you become the company you keep
9. You are a good father, don’t question it
10. I’m keeping this one to myself J

Gay men experience so much in life. And oftentimes, those experiences are further shaped by societal attitudes about race and gender. I believe many gay men around the world endure a type of tragedy and hardship, but we also experience a certain kind of beauty and love. And I think, when we set aside the ways in which we divide ourselves, especially as LGBTs, we can recognize this beauty in one another – a shared and common existence. For me, being gay is about living life on my own terms and “coming out” was the conduit to this reality. I fully accept and love myself, feel great about my relationships and am ready to embrace all of life’s possibilities.”

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Monthly Archives: September 2013

A Note From Alex, in Mexico…

Renaud, Architecture Student, Montreal

Twaun, Counsel, Washington D.C.