This is the story of when I first came out to my sixty-year-old Vietnamese mom, five years ago. I originally posted this on September 10, 2007, but I thought it’d be fitting to repost it for the Gay Men Project. I’d love to hear your story coming out too…
Mom, I’m gay.
She looks at me. Lets it register. I honestly don’t remember what she said next, even though I just told her. Maybe something to the effect, “Are you sure?” Ha. Something about my uncle, when he was thirteen he went to an all boys school and thought he was gay, yada yada yada, she read it all in his diary, and she’s telling me now, because now he’s attracted to women, so the point is, maybe I’ll wake up and be attracted to women. I dunno. Don’t remember. How do you feel I ask. Are you ok? Yes, it’s how God made you. God still loves you. I still love you. Just go to church and pray. Live here. Don’t tell anyone. They beat up gay people, society isn’t accepting of certain groups of people. It’s not like that, I assure her. I laugh a little. But what about that guy, in Texas, she says, they murdered him. I’m thinking she’s thinking Matthew Shepherd? I dunno. Don’t go to gay bars, she continues. Those guys sleep around with other guys. You don’t want to get a disease. I do case loads for men, they come in, they’re gay and have HIV. You don’t know that, I tell her. It almost sounds absurd, the presumption. I don’t know, she continues, maybe you were supposed to be a girl. You have a girl face. Ha. She just told me I have a girl face. Ha. Then she goes off about taking birth control, or not taking birth control, I really had no clue what she was talking about, but somehow taking birth control or not taking birth control contributed to my gayness? Dunno. Or the water. She talks about the water, drinking the water in the ocean when she was pregnant with me, fleeing Vietnam in a fishing boat. God made you gay, she continues, point being, then questions herself, mentions a lifestyle, choosing to live it. Nurture vs. nature? Free will vs. predetermination? It doesn’t matter to me, she says, you’re still my son, I still love you. God still loves you. Go to church and pray. I ask, Are you upset? Do you wish you didn’t know? No, I’m glad I know, she says, now I know who you are. Are you embarrassed, ashamed? No, she assures. But she keeps saying it’s abnormal. Finally, I say, it’s not abnormal. It is abnormal, she says, women should like men. Men should like women. It’s how God wants it. But then, in question of herself, God made you gay. God made me gay. You can’t control who you love, I tell her. I love men. It’s a feeling. You can’t control it. You can’t stop it. You can’t turn it off, tell yourself no. You love who you love.
It’s funny, an hour conversation and I can literally see her process it all for the first forty five minutes. You know, see her thinking until she’s finally able to wrap herself around the idea that I’m gay.
Other stuff was said, bottom line, she doesn’t want me to suffer. When I suffer she suffers. I’m still her son and nothings changed.
And an unspoken agreement that we are never to talk of gay sex. she doesn’t understand it, how it works, because she doesn’t watch movies 🙂
kisses from New York. ~ kt
What a great story! I’m glad your mom accepts you for who you are, no matter how long it took her to wrap her mind around it 🙂 I know people who are out to all their friends and some of their family but are too afraid to tell their parents because they think they’ll be excommunicated. It’s really sad. I’m glad your story didn’t end that way!
Here’s my coming out story, hope you like it. It also has a happy ending! http://myfreakingawesomelife.com/2011/08/08/trimmin-down-and-gayin-out/
Hey Mac, thanks for stopping by and thanks for the message. Yeah, I started coming out to my friends when I was twenty-two, but didn’t come out to my mom until I was 25. Parents are always the hardest! 😉 Though, it’s funny, I was pretty sure she’d be OK with it, because she had asked me jokingly if I was gay a year earlier, I had of course said no, but as a side note she said, “Well you know, if you were gay, I would still love you.” So I took that as a sign that she already knew, but when I officially came out to her, she said she had no clue! ha.
I’ll definitely check out your story..
What a great story! I’m glad your mom was accepting of who you are, no matter how long it took her to comprehend it 🙂 I have friends who are out to everyone but their parents because they’re afraid they’ll be excommunicated. It’s sad that fear like that exists within families. Glad your story ended positively!
Here’s my coming out story. Hope you enjoy 🙂 http://myfreakingawesomelife.com/2011/08/08/trimmin-down-and-gayin-out/
That’s beautiful. ‘No, I’m glad I know… now I know who you are,’ is the most important thing your mother said. I wish my mother had said something like that to me. I’m very happy for you, sounds like you have a wonderful mother 😀
hey mark, thanks for writing. yeah, i was lucky, although i will say it was a year before my mom even mentioned anything again regarding me being gay. and even then it was to say maybe it was only a phase 😉 ha. but now, i would say she is completely supportive. i’d be interested in hearing your story if you wanted to share it, but if it’s private i of course understand. kev…p.s. how was your trip to san francisco? it’s such a beautiful city…
I loved SF so much that I want to go back there, maybe to live. My story is a bit of an adventure spread over 25 years. Quite sad, but I don’t mind sharing. I might write it down…
How open-minded your mother is,how lovely your fate is.
I can even express nothing to my parents and friends. From HK to Australia, disclose to no one.
Thank you for your project, you let me reflect how can I do more. Thank you mate,keep walking,keep shining!
Hey there, thanks for writing! Yes, I think I’ve been pretty lucky in that my friends and family were pretty supportive when I came out. Honestly, I do know it’s taken awhile for my mom to fully embrace the idea of me being gay, to the point where she would feel comfortable if I brought home a boyfriend or partner, but I think she’s at that place..(for the longest time she thought me being gay was a phase.) I can definitely remember the loneliness I felt when I had to hide this part of me from the people I cared about, so if you ever need someone to talk to definitely get in contact. Thanks for your support and encouragement,this blog is really a passion/dream project of mine, so it means a lot that it’s connecting. Keep on coming back! kisses. kt
Pingback: Cataloging the Gay Gamut | DUMPLING Magazine