Stephen, Retired Actor, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

Stephen, in his own words: ” Being Gay to me has always felt like I have the best qualities of understanding men and women and being empathetic toward everyone.

Coming out was exceedingly easy though the phrase “coming out” did not exist when I did it…I was a kid actor doing summer stock, and realized that I was more like a lot of the men I was meeting rather than like my Pop and his pals…I had an easy time of assimilating it as all the older actors were exceedingly supportive; I never felt compelled to hide who I was, but just existed in my comfy world.

My challenges have been to make a living, to continue in happiness, when so many friends in my generation died when AIDS arrived, and to try to be a positive presence on the planet…. I miss so many people no longer on Earth, yet do honor them daily in how I choose to exist here. I adore kids and have helped raise 9 god children over the years, and have always shared life with animals who are constant blessings.”

Diary: Stephen, New York City from The Gay Men Project on Vimeo.

Rafael, Comparative Literature Researcher, Lisbon, Portugal

photo by Kevin Truong

Rafael, in his own words: “I would start with the very idea of being “something”. I seldom perceive me, myself, as being part of a static and defined category that is imposed on me a priori, regardless what I have to say about that. There are social expectations preceding the self, in this case the sexual self, against which I must struggle if I want to preserve my “voice” and therefore my self-respect. In what concerns my agency as human being, these expectations, in the end, might virtually not belong to me, thus contaminating the multiple relations that the Other establishes with me.

That being said, I consider that being gay means that I have an erotic predisposition, either real or imagined, towards the male of my species, regarding its sexual and gender realms.

I would intertwine my challenges and successes with my coming out experience. My biggest challenge was the fulfilling of a sentence built on what was an utterly complicated standpoint: “I am something that is not expected from others”. My process of coming out as a person who has a non normative sexual orientation was firstly an individual struggle. Usually we tend to think that coming out is a process of revealing, which with no doubt is a political understanding of coming out; but one does not come out, actually comes in. My closet was a hidden and nameless face which I had to describe with words untaught. Thus the symbolic act of naming was at the same time my biggest challenge and success. In the end, we are always our worst enemies. Other than that, I was very fortunate to have a lot of disinterested love around me, which indeed played a great part in all this process.

A community is born out of a survival principle. And a gay community is born out of a marginalization phenomenon that originates several spaces of belonging for and/or from those who are put aside, from a cruising spot to an institutionalized NGO. In Lisbon, today, the gay community, and the sense of community, is rather refracted due to the fact that we are no longer facing a survival situation, without taking into consideration the multiple power relations and structures that still affect our citizenship, nationally, such as the adoption rights or the pathologization of transsexual/gender citizens. There are different social organizations with several aims that are vital to the LGBTQ+ visibility and that work fiercely for a voice and a better future for everyone. Lisbon also has an intense nightlife, in which the gay community is diverging from the “gay nightlife” paradigm to a more diversified notion of it. Some venues still preserve a very stereotyped idea of what a gay “place” is, starting from the very idea of “a gay place”. Although I must say that these places have an incomparable aura of safeness for those who might need a place to be. At least what was, and in a way is, Lisbon’s gay neighborhood lost the ghetto frame that usually materializes geographically a gay community.

I think, therefore I deconstruct.
P.S.: Fall in love with yourself if you want to fall in love with other self(ves).”

Romano, Art Director, Rome, Italy

photo by Kevin Truong

Romano, in his own words: “(Being gay is) just I who am (we all gay are) different. And this difference is not something I really feel as a human being. I mean I am just like anybody else, I’ve got two legs, two arms and so on. I’ve got feelings and needs like anybody else, I live my everyday life without thinking “Gosh, I am gay so I am different”. Being gay is a natural condition like being blond or brunette… It’s this social taboo that makes me feel different. When I was a child there was nothing worst than say to somebody “frocio” (fag in Italian). Nowadays nothing has really changed. That’s it! I think it’s time to get over this taboo in my country. I do hope the next homosexual generations won’t have to suffer for discrimination and social exclusion. I dream about a better Italy in a better world.

Talking about my gay condition, the most important challenge has been the self acceptance. I mean, I felt really so guilty and scared about this. Firstly I even hid to myself my real sexual instincts. So the first challenge was to come up with myself. This process has taken many years but finally I slowly ended feeling so guilty and I began to live my real life.

Well, once I began to feel comfortable with my gay condition, then I did not care much if somebody knew about it. I’ve never talked about this with my parents, friends and relatives. It just happened that slowly everybody realized I was gay. And I’ve never experienced problems with any of them.

The one who surprised me a lot is my father. He never felt comfortable with gays, and I heard him over the years revile gays. Well, one day he came to my place and said “Look son, I just came to say to you that I think everybody has the right to be straight, gay or whatever he wants!” Suddenly I blushed and he hugged me so strong. Tears on our faces and this made me feel so proud of him as a son and as a gay man!

The advice I’d give to the younger myself is: Do not care about the others; opinion, do not care about yours and others sexual orientation. Just care about feelings. Respect everybody and claim for the same respect!”

THE GAY MEN PROJECT

The visual catalog of gay and queer men around the world.

Stephen, Retired Actor, New York City

Rafael, Comparative Literature Researcher, Lisbon, Portugal

Romano, Art Director, Rome, Italy