Category Archives: Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Fabrice and Gilles, Phnom Penh, Cambodia

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Fabrice (left) and Gilles (right) photo by Kevin Truong

Fabrice, in his own words: “Basically, being gay means I am sexually attracted to men.

It also means I had to go through moments I hadn’t been prepared to live (I was born in 1980, did my coming out in France in 2001). I now really truly believe it has been a chance for me to be considered, or to consider myself at that time, as «different». It makes you think much more about who you are and what you want.

Being gay doesn’t make me different from other people. Nevertheless, all the questioning I went through because I am gay might make me different. I feel like I know myself pretty well. Which is a chance.

The biggest challenge I had to face was accepting to myself being gay. All that happened after that was a consequence of it. I actually didn’t choose to be gay. But I choose to assume it.

My coming-out was kind of very classic: I first told my friends (most of them accepted very well). I then told my family: reactions haven’t been easy to handle. I’ve been relieved, but I also put a lot of stress on people I love. It took a long time, a few years to be precise, for everybody to calm down. And finally, everybody understood that homosexuality isn’t bad. That I am happy the way I am. That my relationship with my husband (we married in 2013) is viable. And of course, the more acceptance I found, the more self-confident I was. I can now say «I live with a man, he is my husband» just as I would say «I am married to a woman». Being gay isn’t better or worse. It’s a way of life, among others.

The gay community in Phnom Penh is growing. It’s not dangerous to be gay here. But still, tradition is everywhere, and most of gays don’t trust themselves to get out of the closet. They don’t fear being rejected by society, but by their families. In Cambodia, the idea that a gay man is a «woman in a wrong body» is still very common. The next step is to make people understand that a man can love a man, and a woman can love a woman.

(Advice to my younger self) Go and visit http://thegaymenproject.com/. You’ll see how diverse gay people can be. And be yourself.”

Gilles, in his own words: “Je ne suis pas certain qu’être gay signifie quelque chose de particulier. C’est comme répondre à la question : “Qu’est-ce que ça signifie pour toi d’être hétérosexuel, arabe, chauve ? » Encore une fois l’homosexualité fait partie de moi sans que je ne l’aie choisi. Je suis très heureux comme ça maintenant, et c’est tout. Je ne me suis jamais interrogé sur la signification de cela. Par ailleurs, nous sommes ce que nous sommes par nos expériences, notre parcours, nos choix de vie, notre éducation, notre entourage, etc. Et non pas parce que nous sommes gay ou hétéro.

J’ai eu beaucoup de chance jusqu’à présent: à une exception près, je n’ai jamais rencontré la moindre hostilité à propos de mon homosexualité, où que ce soit, avec qui que ce soit. J’ai la chance d’être né dans un pays, la France, où les gens sont plutôt très ouverts sur la question et où l’on a désormais (presque) les mêmes droits que les hétérosexuels. Si l’on met de côté une minorité bruyante dont raffolent les médias, être gay en France, c’est devenu banal, à tel point que désormais, l’homosexualité n’est (presque) plus un sujet.

Par ailleurs, ici au Cambodge, les immigrés occidentaux, dont nous faisons partie, jouissent d’une grande tolérance sur la plupart des sujets. De façon générale, nous pouvons nous permettre de faire des choses que les Khmers eux-mêmes ne peuvent pas se permettre. Par exemple, dire ouvertement que l’on est gay, et même marié avec un homme, ne pose aucun problème. Au pire, les personnes vont s’interroger et nous poser quelques questions, dont la plus récurrente est: « Mais, lequel de vous deux joue le rôle de la femme ? » Ce n’est pas du tout une question agressive ou méchante. C’est simplement que beaucoup n’arrivent pas encore à conceptualiser le fait que deux hommes puissent s’aimer et faire l’amour ensemble. Il faut forcément que l’un des deux « fasse la femme ».

Lorsque nous avons décidé de nous marier (à l’ambassade de France à Phnom Penh), nous avons voulu un mariage le plus khmer possible. La plupart des invités à la cérémonie étaient khmers. Nos témoins aussi. Nous avons fait notre dîner de mariage dans notre famille khmère, qui habite un petit village dans la campagne à 1h de route de Phnom Penh. Nous la connaissons depuis longtemps et nous y allons régulièrement. Tous les voisins proches, et même éloignés, savaient que nous étions là pour célébrer notre mariage. Beaucoup se sont joints à nous. Ça n’a posé de problème à personne. Même si nous avons eu droit plusieurs fois à la même question dont je parlais plus haut (« Qui fait l’homme ? ” « Qui fait la femme ? » ). Nous avons même eu la surprise le lendemain matin de croiser le chef du village (et son éternel uniforme militaire) avec à la main, un des berlingots de mygales grillées (une spécialité locale dont raffolent les Khmers) que nous avions offerts aux invités durant la cérémonie à l’ambassade…

En réalité, mes challenges en tant que gay ont été d’accepter d’être gay, de le cacher au mieux tant que je ne l’assumais pas, puis de l’assumer.

Je me souviens parfaitement du moment où je l’ai dit à quelqu’un pour la première fois. J’avais une vingtaine d’année. J’étais avec l’une de mes meilleures amies (qui l’est toujours). Nous revenions d’Aix en Provence, la nuit. Elle conduisait. Je me souviens très bien de nous deux à l’intérieur de l’habitacle, de la lumière tamisée. J’ai cette image encore dans la tête. Je ne sais plus pourquoi je lui ai dit à ce moment là. Ça faisait un bon bout de temps que j’en avais envie. J’étais terrorisé. Le lui dire ne m’a pas soulagé sur le moment, je n’étais pas bien du tout. Elle s’est arrêtée sur le bord de la route. On est sortis de la voiture pour prendre l’air. Elle a été adorable. Je n’ai vu aucun jugement dans son regard, ses mots, sa voix. Ça m’a beaucoup rassuré et j’ai commencé à me sentir bien.

Mais ce n’est pas pour autant que ça a été plus facile de le dire à d’autres personnes plus tard. Comme pour beaucoup d’entre nous, c’est d’abord les amis qui ont été au courant. Tous. Puis la famille.
Ma mère d’abord, qui m’a beaucoup aidé à le lui dire en me tendant des perches énormes !
Puis ma grande soeur. Puis mon p’tit frère. Puis des années après, mon père. Je regrette maintenant de ne pas le lui avoir dit plus tôt. J’avais très peur de sa réaction, même si au fond de moi je savais que tout se passerait bien: il connaissait Fabrice depuis pas mal de temps, s’entendait très bien avec lui, l’appréciait beaucoup. Et en plus c’est quelqu’un de très généreux, qui ne ferait pas de mal à une mouche. Donc il n’y avait pas de raison de ne pas lui dire. Mais je ne sais pas pourquoi, j’avais un gros blocage.

Une fois mes amis et ma famille très proches au courant, j’ai encore mis beaucoup de temps à assumer pleinement mon homosexualité. Cette “chose” qui faisait partie de moi. Même si je m’étais rendu à l’évidence depuis longtemps que je ne pouvais plus lutter contre, je ne l’avais pas choisi et je n’en voulais pas. C’était comme si c’était un corps étranger à l’intérieur de moi, avec lequel je devais composer ma vie.

Mes amis, ma famille et Fabrice m’ont énormément aidé, chacun à leur tour, chacun à leur façon (la plupart du temps sans qu’ils ne s’en rendent compte), à des moments différents de ma vie. Leur amour, leur tolérance, leur absence totale de jugement m’ont été d’une aide précieuse. Et avec les années, sans m’en rendre compte, sans en avoir conscience, j’ai fini par me sentir à l’aise avec ça, à me sentir épanoui en tant que gay.

L’homosexualité n’est pas du tout réprimée ici. Si bien que les homosexuels ne sont jamais inquiétés. Nous pouvons donc vivre notre homosexualité librement.
Il y a une toute petite poignée de lieux gay ou gay friendly, qui ont pignon sur rue. Dans la plupart de ces endroits, les Khmers, les immigrés, les touristes, les hommes, les femmes, les gays, les hétéros s’y côtoient, ce qui me plaît.

Cette liberté n’est cependant le privilège que des immigrés. Elle n’est malheureusement pas accessible à la plupart des Khmers pour le moment. Très rares sont ceux qui ont le courage d’assumer ouvertement leur orientation sexuelle. Pour certains, au mieux les amis (voire exceptionnellement la famille proche) sont au courant, mais ils ne se sentent pas prêts à l’assumer en dehors de ce cercle privé. Pour l’immense majorité, ils cachent cet aspect de leur vie. En tout cas ils essayent tant bien que mal. Certains ont une double vie: ils sont mariés avec une femme et ont des enfants. Et parallèlement ils essayent de mener leur vie gay comme ils le peuvent, en allant dans certains clubs ou saunas (qui eux, restent très très discrets) ou via les réseaux sociaux. Il y a des histoires très tristes. Un jeune de 30 ans avec qui je suis allé boire un verre un jour m’a expliqué que personne dans son entourage n’est au courant de son homosexualité. Il ne veut surtout pas que ça se sache. Il a donc du mal à rencontrer des hommes et n’est absolument pas épanoui. Son rêve absolu est de partir vivre très loin du Cambodge et de sa famille afin de pouvoir vivre normalement son orientation sexuelle…
Dans un pays comme le Cambodge, où la tradition est encore très marquée et où l’homosexualité n’est pas encore acceptable pour beaucoup de gens, l’arrivée des réseaux sociaux et leur essor spectaculaire ont été une véritable bouée d’oxygène pour certains homosexuels khmers qui ont ainsi la possibilité de vivre leur homosexualité tout en restant discrets.

Trop facile de donner des conseils après coup ! Tout ce que j’ai fait, je l’ai fait dans un certain contexte, dans certaines situations particulières.”

In English:

I’m not sure that being gay means something special. It’s like answering the question, “What does it mean to you to be heterosexual, Arabic, bald”? Once again, homosexuality is a part of me that I’ve not chosen. I am very happy like that now, and that’s it. I’ve never wondered about the meaning of that. Moreover, we are what we are by our experiences, our journey, our choices in life, our education, our environment, etc. and not because we are gay or straight.

I have been very lucky so far: with one exception, I have never encountered any hostility about my homosexuality, anywhere, with anyone. I am lucky to be born in a country, France, where people are rather very open about this issue and where we get now (almost) the same rights as heterosexuals. If we’re putting aside a noisy minority that the media love, being gay in France has become banal to the point that now homosexuality is (almost) not a subject anymore.

Moreover, here in Cambodia, Western immigrants, including us, are enjoying a great tolerance on most subjects. In general, we can afford to do things that Khmer people can not afford themselves. For example, saying openly that we are gay, and even married to a man, is not a problem. At worst, people will wonder and ask questions. The most recurrent is: “But which of you plays the role of the woman? « It’s not an aggressive or a nasty question at all. It’s just that many people are unable to conceptualize the fact that two men can love each other and make love together. One of the two must « be the woman ».

When we decided to get married (at the French Embassy in Phnom Penh), we wanted a wedding as Khmer as possible. Most of the guests at the ceremony were Khmers. Witnesses too. We made our wedding dinner in our Khmer family, who lives in a small village in the countryside 1 hour drive from Phnom Penh. We have known this family since a long time and we visit it regularly. All neighbors knew we were there to celebrate our wedding. Many of them joined us. That has not been a problem to anyone. Even if we got several times the same question I mentioned above (“Who is the man?” “Who does the woman?”). We even had a surprise the next morning to meet the chief of the village (and his eternal military uniform) holding in his hand, a roasted tarantulas carton (a local specialty that Khmers are delighting) that we offered to the guests during the ceremony at the Embassy …

In fact, my challenges as gay were to accept being gay, to hide it the best as long as I didn’t assume. Then, to assume it.

I remember quite well the moment I said it to someone for the first time. I was twenty years old. I was with one of my best friends (who still is). We were returning from Aix en Provence at night. She was driving. I remember the two of us inside the car, dim light. I still have this image in my head. I do not know why I said that at that time. It’s been a long time that I wanted to. I was terrified. Telling her didn’t relieve me at the time, I didn’t feel good at all. She stopped on the roadside. We went out of the car to get some fresh air. She has been wonderful. I didn’t see any judgment in her eyes, her words, her voice. I was really reassured and I started to feel good.

But it doesn’t mean that it was easier to tell it to other people later. Like many of us, it is primarily the friends who have been aware of. All. Then the family.

My mother first, which really helped me many times to tell her that! Then my sister. Then my little brother. Then years after, my father. Now I regret not telling him earlier. I was very afraid of his reaction, though in my heart I knew that everything would be fine: he’s been knowing Fabrice since a long time, got along very well with him, liked him a lot. Plus, he is very generous and would not hurt anyone. So there was no reason not to tell him. But I do not know why, I was blocked.

Once my friends and very close family knew, I still took a long time to fully assume my homosexuality. This “thing” that was part of me. Although it has been obvious since a long time that I could not fight against it, I did not choose it and I did not want it. As if it were a foreign body inside of me, with whom I had to live my life.

My friends, my family and Fabrice helped me enormously, each in their turn, each in their own way (most of the time without knowing it), at different times of my life. Their love, tolerance, their total lack of judgment were a great help to me. And over the years, without realizing it, I finally felt comfortable with this, felt good being gay.

Homosexuality is not repressed here. So that homosexuals are never troubled. So we can live our homosexuality freely. There are a small handful of gay or gay friendly places, that are easy to find. In most of these places, Khmer, immigrants, tourists, men, women, gays and straights can meet all together, which I like.

This freedom is, however, the privilege of immigrants. It is unfortunately not accessible to most of the Khmer currently. Very few of them have the courage to openly accept their sexual orientation. For some, the best friends (or exceptionally close family) are aware, but they do not feel ready to assume outside this private circle. For the vast majority, they hide this aspect of their life (in any case, they try somehow). Some of them have a double life: married with a wife and have children. And in parallel they try to live their gay life as they can, by going to some clubs or saunas (which remain very very discrete) or through social networks. There are some very sad stories. A 30-year-old I got a drink with, told me that no one around him was aware of his homosexuality. He did not want anyone to know. So it’s hard for him to meet men and he is absolutely not fulfilled. His ultimate dream is to leave far from Cambodia and his family in order to live normally his sexual orientation …
In a country like Cambodia, where tradition is still very strong and where homosexuality is still not acceptable for many people, the arrival of social networks and their spectacular growth are a great opportunity to some gay Khmers who can now live their homosexuality while remaining discreet.

(Advice to my younger self) Too easy to give advice after the fact! Everything I did, I did it in a certain context, in particular situations.”

Destin, Fashion Designer, Phnom Penh, Cambodia

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Photo by Kevin Truong

Photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Photo by Kevin Truong

Photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

“(The gay community in Phnom Penh) is secret. But it is much better now because of social networks. Some (gay men) feel not so sure, but it’s much better than before. But it is still secret because they are afraid of parents or family.

(I knew I was gay) a long time. In my social life, for about ten years. For me, I feel I am ok. I’m 50/50. 50/50 means I don’t care about people talking about I’m gay or whatever, I know myself and whatever I like is whatever I want. But I don’t show off to my parents as well.

For me, I don’t require much. I like people who I like. The best things that I like are appearance or characteristics, morality as well, I don’t want to be with gangsters, it is not my type. Simple for me and easy going (is best).

(With regards to successes) I think my tailor business is going well because it is the fifth year. And now I have another business, it is a gay friendly coffee gallery. It is a new flavor in town, Strange Fruit, it is just opening but I hope it is going to be more and more successful.

(Advice to my younger self) Be good, be happy.”

Kenny, Travel Agent, Phnom Penh, Cambodia

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Kenny, in his own words: “(Being gay) just means instead of having a girlfriend, I’ll have a boyfriend. It’s that simple to me.

The last eighteen years and a half have been a challenge for me. I’m not the smartest kid so I have always had to double the effort in everything that I do just to barely catch up with people. This has been true for almost twenty years of my life, and has been more true ever since I came out. (Greatest success) Finishing college and finishing my masters degree.

(With regards to coming out) (my parents) didn’t yell. They were mad at for another reason at the time, because my grades in college weren’t as I had expected. And then I came out to them, and at the time they didn’t react as horribly as I thought they would. But over time, they went on to make clear their opinion on that matter, which is that they expect me to fulfill my duty, which is to get married and most importantly produce offspring. And I’m clear on their opinions, I’m not sure that I can meet it, and I’m sure that I cannot meet it.

In many ways (the gay community in Phnom Penh) bears some resemblance to the one in Thailand. It’s still a new one, and it’s vibrant, and they are searching for their own identity. All subcultures of gay men in Phnom Penh.

(With regards to advice to my younger self) Stop punishing yourself.”