Monthly Archives: March 2016

Ben, Entrepreneur/Business Coach, New York City

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Ben, in his own words: “Some may think that being gay/queer only refers to same-sex attraction, and see just one singular “gay community,” when in fact there are MANY flavors, shapes, and expressions of what it means to be gay/queer. For me, it’s the intersection of attraction, culture, community, and connection. I was lucky enough to be born gay and I couldn’t be happier about it. It has helped shape and make me who I am today, well beyond just who I’m attracted to.

I’m enjoying adulthood far more than I did my adolescent years. High school in particular was an awkward and painful time of my life, and in fact I’ve completely forgotten much of it. Even though I came out at 18, it took me a long time to get over the shame of being gay. For years I overachieved to “make up for” being gay. I really wasn’t comfortable in my own skin until my late 20’s when I became more confident and capable of making a difference for others. One thing I’m extremely proud of is transforming the culture of a company I worked for, Oliver Wyman, to being fully LGBT inclusive, which it wasn’t when I got there. A few colleagues and I formed an LGBT employee group, voted me Chief Gay, and we hauled ass to make significant strides that continue to this day, eight years later.

After telling many of my friends, it was time to tell my family I was gay. On Christmas day of 2000, my sister and I were walking our dogs on a snowy golf course. I was so anxious, but promised myself that by the time we got to the sand trap on the 4th hole I’d tell her. She was great and three days later I sat mom and dad down. I read a 400 page book written by a psychologist on how to come out and I had planned it like a military operation. They both immediately told me they loved me, but it went opposite of what I expected. My mom, out of concern for my safety and happiness, was very sad for many months. My more macho and stoic father offered me a beer (after mom retreated to her room to cry) and toasted me saying “here’s to being yourself, the only thing I could ever ask for from my son.” It still makes me tear up. Within a short time mom got over hear fears for me and is now fiercely supportive. Heck, she’s even been to Fire Island with me!

People ask where the gay neighborhoods are in NYC and I quip back “Manhattan and Brooklyn.” Seriously. There must be more gay people here than anywhere else on earth. Moving from Denver to NYC I feared I wouldn’t measure up or be “cool enough.” I soon realized nobody is “cool enough” for NYC and I’ve never felt more at home, accepted, and like I belonged than I have since moving here eight and a half years ago. There is literally something for everyone here. When you hear someone complaining about the “gay life” in NYC, just know they are lazy and don’t get of out their bubble much.

I’d tell my younger self this … “Sleep more. Drink less. Workout more. Start meditating. Work your ass off. Save more. Explore the world.” Above all, “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” I feel very good about the man I’ve become and the choices I’ve made, but the thing I regret most is being so hard on myself.”

Calvin, Cancer Advocate, Alexandria, Virginia

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Calvin, in his own words:“Would love to be a part of this project. Why you may ask? I’m gay and about to be 54 years old and feel I haven’t accomplish much in life but now want to change that.

All my life I have been a victim of spiritual abuse. I say this because I was raised in a religious home but never felt like I was totally accepted. I knew something was different. I felt this at a very young age, and then I found out I was adopted. Nothing wrong with that. I had an amazing adopted mother who had no idea her son was being abused from a very young age and all that confused me. So much now later, in my years I have dealt with depression, shame, anxiety–all because I feel I’m doomed because I choose to be gay. I’m even in a relationship. It’s been 19 years and I love him very much, but my demons of hell haunts me everyday. But I hope there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel, as I’ve heard it said today.

I have been advocating for anal cancer, I was diagnosed a month after we lost Farrah Fawcett to the same cancer and I was blessed to survive this cancer, this rare cancer that many still don’t want to talk about–but I can’t do that. I have to advocate. I so much want to draw more awareness, it’s definitely needed and I do have some support. Now I made my own facebook page titled, Anal Cancer Is a Pain in the Butt Literally. It has 93 followers and I’m so excited about that. This is something I have to do, we must educate people that this cancer is very real and it’s even on the rise. Plus I know this wasn’t a curse from god, nor did I get it from being an “assf*cker” as one so called supporter told me because I used a ribbon for a profile pic that she felt was hers alone. It’s so much more than a ribbon to me. I would love to be featured here and at the same time get more word out about anal cancer.”

Barna, Artist, Budapest, Hungary

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Barna, in his own words: “It is hard to be gay in Hungary, but everything depends on your lifestyle. So if you have the right friends, if you have the right profession and workplace–if you have the right life for the gayness you can live in peace. The society isn’t open enough for the gayness. I think the reason is that we are really simple in the society. If you are walking down the street in Budapest you can see only Hungarians and whites and that’s it. We don’t have any other nationalities in our society, we don’t have immigrants, this is why in Budapest it is so strange to be black, Asian, or to be gay.

It’s not impossible to walk hand in hand on the street with your boyfriend, but it’s not safe. You cannot feel comfortable. You might not have to feel afraid about any violence, but for the girls it is easier. So if you are a lesbian, I think it is more OK to walk hand in hand. But if you are a gay guy, it’s not the best option and I would not recommend it.

It’s not possible to get married for gays. You can get a document about your relationship, but that’s not marriage. We are about halfway, but I think in the near future, this can be changed.

I’m recently after a separation, and I’m trying to organize my feelings. I would really like to survive my feelings and I would really like to rebuild my life and the things around me. I would feel successful if I could stay open in my heart for the future. I really don’t want to stay sorrowful and sad like I am now. I’m just trying to open up my heart and my mind.”

Diary: Barna, Budapest, Hungary from The Gay Men Project on Vimeo.