Monthly Archives: April 2015

Bobby, Waiter, Amsterdam, Netherlands

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Bobby, in his own words: “Being gay means to me being myself. Being gay is just part of me as being straight is what’s part of straight people.

My biggest challenge and also success was my 6 month trip to South Africa. It was my first trip all by myself. It was both exciting and scary. I had the most amazing time there and met some amazing people, but I also learned a lot about myself.

My coming out story is a bit different than others’. I was dating this guy and I told some friends. In a week the entire school knew I was dating a 6 year older guy. So I didn’t really come out by choice.

To my parents on the other hand: I came out during a fight. I had a date with that guy, but didn’t tell my parents anything, so they were waiting for me for dinner. Once I finally came home they just started and (of course) they were angry at me. So we were arguing about stuff and I just blurted out that I was on a date with a guy.

The gay community (in Amsterdam) is quite small actually. I’m not talking about numbers, but it’s almost like everyone knows each other. A colleague once told me about this guy I dated a year before. He didn’t know the guy and I only told a few friends about that guy and somehow he knew about us. I’m always surprised if I don’t have mutual friends with guys. Sometimes I think it isn’t even possible anymore.

I think we can learn a lot from Cape Town if it comes to acceptance. Amsterdam is placed as a place where everything is accepted and yes of course we can’t complain. However, if I’d walk through Amsterdam holding hands with a guy, people will call names or look back (in my experience). In my first two months in Cape Town I’ve seen more guys holding hands on the streets than in one or maybe two years in Amsterdam. Plus nobody seemed to care. In Cape Town there’s (just as in Amsterdam) a lot of diversity. Different religions, origins and so on and people seem to have respect for one another in the form of minding their own business.”

Adam, Student/Activist, Brisbane, Australia

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Adam, in his own words: “(Being gay has) never really been a huge part of my identity in terms of how I express myself in this world but I can’t deny that it is a big part of who I am. Being gay to me means more than just being attracted to men. For example being gay gives me the freedom to reject dominant constructions of masculinity which I feel is liberating, you know, to just genuinely be myself. Being gay feels almost like an act of resistance, sometimes I really love that I am different in a world full of conformity/sameness. But then again I am a contradiction, the difference bothers me sometimes too, I guess my feelings towards it are contextual depending on what physical and mental space I am in at the time and who is around me.
The difference unfortunately means a certain level of alienation from the wider community and this can often have some negative effects. In Australia I feel like there are still a lot of conservative homophobic spaces and it can be difficult living in a heteronormative society as a gay man. I also feel alienated within the gay community because I don’t feel like I express my sexuality in the same way as most gay men. I don’t identify with many of the gay stereotypes so I sometimes feel I am not gay enough to be included in the gay community.

On a more positive note, the experience of being in a minority group has made me a better person. To experience this kind of oppression has opened me up to empathise with other minority groups. I think in this regard it has actually influenced my career choice, to become a social worker, I think my passion for social justice has come from my experience of being different in society that normalises heterosexuality.

In terms of success, I think what I am most proud of is somewhat strangely my past relationship. It was a long term relationship of almost five years that ended last year. I loved the life we had created, what we achieved together, how we learnt from each other, the personal growth we both experienced and the dynamic of the partnership between us. Obviously it did not work out the way we both wanted it to in the end but I really admire that we loved each other enough to know that ultimately we had to separate in order to be happy. We did this in a very respectful and thoughtful way and again I am really proud of that. It was hard to give up on the comforts of such a strong connection but it has been the best decision for both of us and I feel like we are going to be great friends for life. The love will never really be lost, it has just transformed into something else. What I can know for sure is that I am a better person for having been in that relationship.

I think my greatest challenge has been to accept who I am and to learn to love myself, to find confidence and value in who I am. Up until recently I have struggled with a quite a low self-esteem, the genealogy of which is really quite sad. This coupled with an uncertainty about my place in this world. I am in a good space now. I am really proud of who I am and what I have to offer but it has been a long and treacherous journey to get here.

(With regards to coming out) I was in a relationship that was getting quite serious. My partner was already out so it wasn’t fair on him to have to keep our relationship a secret. We went travelling through Europe together and got married in the UK. We returned to Australia as husbands. We made a pact that I would tell my family within one month of being home. I couldn’t bring myself to actually tell them in person. The idea of that confrontation freaked me out too much so I wrote a letter. To my surprise my parents were really supportive and I consider myself very lucky. Since then I have always been able to be open with them. They not only accepted my relationship but they celebrated it and did many thoughtful things for us over the years. I love my family very much.

Sometimes I feel like (the LGBTIQ community in Brisbane) doesn’t really exist. I wonder if maybe the idea of a collective LGBTIQ community is actually a falsehood. There appears to be a lot of tensions between different members of the LGBTIQ* spectrum; it’s not necessarily a harmonious group. Some community events are not inclusive and they create new divisions in what is supposed to be a community that is bound by a sense of solidarity and a celebration of diversity. Even within one category, like gay men, there is a lot of pressure guys place on each other to conform to a particular ideal body image, as well as judgements around sexual activity. Rather than being united we are objectifying each other in sometimes harmful ways. People expect so much from an LGBTIQ community but community is not an independent fixed structure. My idea of community is more of a process characterised by individual participation acted out collectively. Your sense of belonging to it comes from your participation in it. Sadly I feel like there are not many people around my age actively contributing to building or maintaining an LGBTIQ community in Brisbane, at least not in sense of working together to achieve social justice aims. Perhaps there is more of a social community, collections of friends that party together and support each other through close friendships. I guess I am just not connected to that.

I wouldn’t want to say anything (to my younger self). My mistakes have been character building so I wouldn’t want to change anything. The times I have been hurt the most or have found myself in the darkest despair have made me who I am today. So I feel like I wouldn’t want to give myself any advice, I would rather let myself make mistakes, to find things out the hard way and grow from those experiences.”

Abhijit, Software Engineer/Consultant, Akleshwar, India

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Abhijit, in his own words: “To me being gay means just another trait about me. But being gay in today’s society has forced me to question myself and the social conventions and a sense of morality that people take for granted. I am grateful to be gay because, the process of coming to terms with my sexuality and then consecutively coming out to a repressed society has given me an unique unbiased perspective of society and human nature and forced me to have an open mind for everything else as well. I don’t know whether if I had not had the challenges in my life, would I have been the same person I am now.

To me the greatest challenges were not just coming to terms with my sexuality, but to coming to terms with having my own identity. I have always been the one in the shadows, the underdog. I never liked being in the spotlight. But anonymity was a privilege I could no longer afford when I decided to be honest about my sexuality. To be identified and talked about was something I was not used to. Neither was I used to taking decisions on my own. Choosing to come out in my college was the first decision I took on my own against the disapproval of everyone important in my life. And sticking to that decision took every ounce of my will power and the support of a few good friends. I have not regretted that decision even once and am grateful for the support that I got from people, even when they disapproved of my choice to come out. Other than my sexuality, coming to terms with losing two family members impacted a lot on my life and my outlook. The fact that lives are so fragile has made me more grateful for the things I have and encouraged me to make the most of my life with what I have and not compromise on the values I believe in.

I had spent most of my life in denial of my sexuality. I had concocted some of the most creative reasons to explain my ‘abnormality’ and had believed I would eventually grow out of it. But things changed when in college I fell in love with a straight guy. I tried my best to keep my feelings to myself and fooled myself into believing that I just loved his friendship. But I couldn’t hold the charade for long. Eventually I broke down and came out of denial. Once I had accepted who I was I knew staying in the closet was no longer an option. My father had brought me up to believe in myself and be an honest person. That day itself I first came out to my best friend. He was shocked at first but then he effortlessly accepted the fact and just started teasing me. I credit him for giving me the courage to come out to the rest of the people. When I decided to come out to my roommate, I was a nervous wreck. I was scared that he would freak out and tell on me or even throw me out of the room, that other boys in my hostel would come to know about it and maybe I would be beaten up or maybe the college authorities would come to know and I could get thrown out of college and then would probably get thrown out of home as well. Despite my fears I came out to him….the result was quite amusing.

He was laughing in shock, and I was laughing in nervousness. At the very moment one other friend came in and my roommate asked me to tell him the same thing which I did, and that guy ran away. He just ran away!! My roommate went up to him and confronted him, he explained that this was not an abnormality and that they needed to trust me and believe what I told them because I was not an idiot and we had been friends for so long. I was ashamed for thinking that he could ever have hurt me when he had been the most supportive guy. I came out on Facebook a few months after that. Partly I did it because I was tired of having to pointedly avoid conversations about girls and relationships. I didn’t want to lie to people and avoiding seemed like running away. I also wanted people to stop assuming stupid misconceptions about homosexuality and they could see a gay person amongst themselves and realize I was just as normal as anyone. And one other reason was that I knew I had to come out to my family one day and there was a chance that I would be emotionally blackmailed to go back into the closet. This was a way to make sure that would no longer be an option. After coming out I was pleasantly surprised when almost all the boys of my batch living in the hostel came to me one by one and told me they supported me no matter what my sexuality was and that they would back me up if ever I had to face aggressive people. I had few homophobic experiences but they were outnumbered by the instances of acceptance and faith I had.

Coming out to my dad was also nerve wrecking, but that’s a long story. In short he thinks its a perversion and believes I will change one day, but he didn’t change his behavior towards me even slightly. I still remain the apple of his eye and that’s more than I can ask for. Coming out is a lengthy process and continues throughout life, I still have to keep coming out to people as I go on with my life. But gradually it becomes easier.

I don’t think I have enough authority to comment on the entire LGBT scene in India. But basically there are two kinds of people, one who attend Pride marches and fight for LGBT rights and another that can only be seen on Grindr and other such apps. A majority of the community still believe in having a straight marriage to save their family’s image in society and they treat their own sexuality like a bad habit similar to drinking and smoking. But there are also many who are fighting the odds and trying to make the world a safer place for the community. The third gender or hijras as they are called constitute a completely separate community of their own in India and is as old as the ancient times. They have been key members in fighting for the social good, but they also have some issues regarding freedom in their own community which has developed a culture of their own separate from the rest of the society.

If I had to say anything to say to someone facing the same issues I did once I would say, ‘Don’t stop questioning. If you don’t find the answers keep looking for them. But never accept anything just at face value. No matter how many hardships you face don’t stop thinking rationally. And don’t deny yourself from having fun when you have the chance.'”