A Note from Cesar, in Germany…

“My parents discovered that I was gay when I was 14, at that same age I also realized that I was gay. They found some gay porn under my bed. They talked to me and took me with a therapist until I was “not gay” anymore.Everything was good at home because I kept hiding that I was gay. But it was so hard for me. There were some nights that I cried a lot because of who I am. Saying to the world, why? why me?

I hide my homosexuality for 5 years, at the age of 19 I got my first boyfriend, it was a distance love. One day my mother took my phone and saw a whatsapp message from my boyfriend where I told him that I love him. I didn’t know until my boyfriend told me someone called him saying that he is a fucking faggot, that should get away from me because if he doesn’t it would be the end of him, also I saw that my parents were so quite with me. One day my mother and I where seating out side the house and suddenly she started telling me that she have has lesbian friends that they were ruined but the they became straight had a husband and now they are living so happy and good bla bla bla… At this point I knew what she wanted. She told me about the message, and that I should stop dating this guy. She also told me that: because of me she was feeling so bad and that if I love her I should stop being gay. As if it easy like that. I didn’t, so my parents stopped talking to me for 4 months, by this time I was sheltering with my best friends. My boyfriend traveled to my city and I told my parents that I would be with some friends the whole weekend doing university’s projects. When I arrived to my house I thought my parents didn’t have a clue about it and I was so happy about it until the next day when they realized that I was with this guy the whole weekend.

My father started insulting me saying that I’m worthless, that I’m shit, that I’ll ruin my career, that it would be better to start looking another place to live, and then asked me to take my shirt of and started to hit me with a wet belt. By this I was completely destroyed I passed 3 weeks crying every single night. And my dad kept sending me e-mails with “information” of why being gay is bad, which aids you can have if you are gay and stuff like that and stopped calling me son. One day I was really tired of it so I wrote the next e-mail attaching the movie “prayers for Bobby” to him:

“Mom, dad:

I’m 19 years old and soon I’ll be 20. Time goes fast. If I take a look back, I can see I’ve lived a lot of experiences and you have been there with me all my life.

I know, everybody tell me, you have also tell me, since you know I’m homosexual it hasn’t been easy for you. Believe me, for me neither. It hasn’t been easy to experience break hearts and arrive into the house hiding my crying or crying softly to not bother you. It hurts me the silence that you put between us. You are putting the walls between us.

No, it hasn’t been easy and I’m really trying to understand you, but sometimes it’s hard for me to understand. I know, your education is different, because they put on you a lot of walls. They teach you that love must be just between men and women.

I know I broke your plan of me having a wife, visiting you on Sundays with the grandsons. I know it hurt you because nobody prepared you to face an unexpected situation where religion, people and family influence your fear. I understand all of this, but I don’t justify it.

I don’t justify that in front of something unknown you refuse and not search for alternatives to create new links between us. Nobody teach you how to be parents just like nobody teach us how to be sons. We learn that together. The sons learn from the parents never the less the parents must learn from and for the sons. Mom, dad, I am here. I’m still here and soon I’ll start my life. It’s me. I haven’t changed. I’m still intense, the same that cries with movies and books, the same that laugh loud, the same that hugs, the same that has goals and doesn’t keep quiet, the same that make you some drawing in kinder garden, the same that danced in the elementary school festivals, the same that keep telling you ‘I love you’. THE SAME that doesn’t hurt anyone for loving or sleeping with someone of the same sex. IT’S JUST LOVE and love doesn’t have a gender.

I cried a lot because I have had this feeling that we’re losing time that will not come back, time that we could use to re-meet us, approach and share without masks our life.

Fortunately I have learned to live with your presence and absence, I’ve learned to make another family with my friends and share a lot of things with them. Things that I would like to share with you but you are missing out.

I wish you could realize that the present time goes away and it goes so fast that we don’t even realize, tomorrow maybe one of us will not be here and we will know, too late, that we were wrong.

I have the peace of mind to recognize that I tried, but I cannot do anything.

I keep on, my life continues and it’s fine. But it would be amazing if you are here sharing this path called life. Sharing experiences, talks, moments, laughs and cries.

I know this is not easy. Moms and dads experience assimilation processes that are not always easy nor fast. It’s not easy for anybody to experience a situation that breaks the established and where because of the silence, fear and absurdities unquestioned, nobody does anything and things get more complicated. Taboos that get over the existent love and move away the people.

I understand you, but I ask you to understand me. This is not a war; let’s not make trenches or sides. There are not victims or victimizers, just, ignorance, silence and barriers.

Probably everything is already lose between us but it could be that in the future it changes, shame that future is so insecure and there’s no way for us to know it there’s going to be a future or time. There’s still love to fight for.

I LOVE YOU,

Your son César”

I sent this e-mail early in the morning. During the afternoon of the same day I was in a lecture at university when suddenly my phone rang, it was my dad. I answered and he was crying telling me how much he regrets everything he told to me that he would never do that again and that he was very proud his son and that he will always support me.

Since that day everything has been amazing between me and my parents. They accept me by who I am and I feel that support, that I think Latins want always to have, the family support. Now I’m finishing my university and working as an engineer in Germany.

I would just like to say, everything gets better, keep strong, and never give up.”

photo by Cesar
photo by Cesar

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